My Bad

When I started this blog, it was my intention to explore my inner goddess...

I was thinking the goddess would be Aphrodite.

It turns out it my inner goddess is more like Kali.

Everything I touch is destroyed.


More and more I think that she should be bricked into some cave... so she causes no more trouble.

Screwed Over Again

Today was supposed to be my day to myself.

I wouldn't be able to go anywhere because they were taking the car... but I could have a quiet day, to putter... find some release from the tensions of my life... I am being literal there.. I am too stressed for metaphor.

But then. The Teen wouldn't go.

She didn't feel good.

She never feels good. She is always starving herself so she doesn't have to be fat like me. I pointed out that she would not be allowed to pester me, ask to go places, beg about her newly broken phone or otherwise for money. Also, she would not be able to use my or PKs computers because where she types? Viruses and trojan horses follow.

So what did I get?

She stayed home.

She begged for money to buy things.
She whined about her newly broken phone.
She bitched about not being able to use her father's computer.
She interrupted as I tried to write spec pieces for my new "car

Losing it

My FIL is here for the holidays. And it is stressful.. In fact extra stressful. Since PK is out of work and we are near a breaking point.

Having someone who insists that his schedule is the only one that counts is irritating.

He puts the news paper on the floor in front of the garbage can because that is what he does at home. It doesn't matter that I have a recycling bin.

He talks about the quantity and quality of the food that I make. He doesn't eat these things.

He wants the fruit out on the counter... I am tired of watching it go bad.

He brought his laptop that he can't manage to use and complains that nothing works the way it does at home.

He double checks every single thing that I do. If I tell him how to sort dry beans.... he has to look it up to verify it. VERIFY IT! or he is trying to assure me that I am correct. either way it isn't good.

It is driving me crazy.

I feel bad because he is a widower, but this crap has been going on for 20 years... so my patience is running thin.

Oh, and I haven't had sex with an actual person in about three months. sigh. and have no prospect. sigh again.

At least I get the day almost alone tomorrow. If you count the always irritated teenager who will bitch because she has broken yet another phone.... Another day of silent masturbation for me. Yeah. meh.

An Update

I know that I haven't been posting. I am trying to decide what I am going to do with my life.... but in the meantime, I have going to marriage counseling, trying not to panic about the PK being out of work and having intense and strange dreams.

Today after the same themes emerged three days in a row in my dreams I thought I would double check their meanings:

Being Chased: An indication of overall anxiety

Riding a Horse: Horse itself represents strength, power, virility and sexual prowess. Riding it indicates a position of power.

Being betrayed by a lover: Suspicion about a relationship or just plain feeling sorry for myself

Seeing the Dead Horse: Something that offered me strength is gone.

Being attacked: Feeling vulnerable.

Being injured by swords or knives: Being the victim of masculine control

Having sex: (A long lost dream?) Repressed sexuality...

So basically, things are still crazy here...

But I hope you have a Merry Christmas.

Out of Sorts

A friend has pointed out that I have been lax posting here.

And in fact, to a certain extent I have been. The other part of me has been incredibly restrained.

I am restraining myself because I am sad. I am working hard to do the right thing... and I have no satisfaction from it.

I miss feeling loved. I know that there are different kinds of love.

Some of them I know.. some.. I have experienced.. some I am just missing

Philia: a dispassionate virtuous love, was a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality, and familiarity. Philia is motivated by practical reasons; one or both of the parties benefit from the relationship. It can also mean "love of the mind." I have that with friends.. some family... Hell... With PK.

Storge: is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring. I feel that for my girls. Sometimes, I think that my parents feel it for me. When they are not trying to show me how much more they are then me.

Xenia (ξενία xenía), hospitality, was an extremely important practice in Ancient Greece. It was an almost ritualized friendship formed between a host and his guest, who could previously have been strangers. The host fed and provided quarters for the guest, who was expected to repay only with gratitude. The importance of this can be seen throughout Greek mythology—in particular, Homer's Iliad and Odyssey. I am supremely familiar with this...something about reading the Odyssey.

Of the ancient forms of love, what I am missing is Agape and Eros. Agape is the platonic love of others... and important to any relationships. Eros? Passionate love with sensual love and longing...

Oh how I miss that... the feeling of arms wrapped around me. Support. desire. Love... Actually while I have always wished that support accompanied love, I have found myself unsure. I have no experience with it.

Desire. Oh god. How I miss it.

Looking in my eyes... holding my hands... Being with me.. Part of me....

Oh god... how I miss it.

No matter the noise around me? I am lonely. I miss you.

HNT-108

Yeah, it has been one of those weeks.

I keep plugging away to get stuff down and just when I am not looking BAM!

Today I was washing dishes. Being really thorough. Cleaned out the dishwasher filter (because the girls never scrape of rinse their plates because they can't be bothered) and then ran a dishwasher cleaning product to melt away whatever hidden gunk still resided in the machine. Then I started reloading the dirty dishes and was scrubbing one of the bowls that didn't get cleaned... when it slipped out of my hand and broke. Naturally, my hand followed the shards and got cut.

It is a bendy place on the body so a weird place to put a bandaid... and a weird size for a regular bandaid about an inch long and the depth? Well, I could see the dermis and into the muscle, not deeply but deep enough. I spent quite a bit of time pinching the sides together... and by this photo, it was fine so long as I didn't move. I needed to immobilize the area. So This is how I fixed it up: Paper toweling and Pre-wrap.

For those of you have never been a or are the parentls of junior highschool girls or played volleyball or a gymnast, you have NO FUCKING IDEA what I am talking about. Pre-wrap is a thin foam athletic tape used to reinforce wrists and ankles. Mostly though girls use it for disposable headbands.

Finally! This crap has done some good.

(not that it stays put very long) ugh.

And why was I self-wrapping? Cuz nothing bad ever befalls me when PK is home. But if I need help... if I am sick or hurt you can absolutely guarantee he is out of town. Although the girls did go to Walgreens after school and get me a decent box of bandaird and an ace bandage to hold it in place. That is good news, right?

By the way? How long should I watch this thing ooze blood before I go to the hospital?

Yup. it has been a great week.

Therapy

I am getting so tired of first therapy sessions.

Where you have to lay out the problems as you seem them and listen to your snivling husband tell his version which is based in some distorted fantasy that he want the therapist to believe.

Apparently, I am excessively negative and down on myself. That is a theory.

Or I am completely realistic and see life as it comes at me...

Tomato/Tomahtoe

I don't have time to fuck around with the pussyfooting. I have established where my mind is in this relationship. I am here for maybe a decade. I have no sense that anything will improve. But I will go to the therapy to show that I will keep trying. But I guarantee you give up first. You always do. I have married to you for almost 20 years. TRUST me. I have some observational skills.

You quit when someone suggests you might have to change your behavior.
You quit when your schedule get busy
You quit when you get irritated for any reason.

If you make it to five sessions I will eat my hat! Or better yet. I will start my escape fund. Fuck this shit.

Should be interesting

11 weeks and one day ago it happened.

I was pushed down and called a whore.

The next day PK said he wanted to go to therapy. And I said, "You need to set it up by yourself". Why? Because I have set up every other marriage counseling appointment. He then got to complain about the therapist. and how he didn't need fixing. Because? He is good. I am the problem. Except that wasn't what the counselors said. Not that they said that I was perfect. But they agreed that my concerns were warranted. Shocking, eh?

No, I wasn't either. In the meantime, PK has been an earthly delight. Hell! He even posted on our mutual website, which he hasn't done almost EVER, but bitches about almost constantly. He has been kind, considerate, sweet. Just to be ready for this appointment.

Naturally, we are heading to hell financially. All the money from the sale of the company is gone. Put into the house, which is still underwater and the rest frittered away by him on his need to live large. blech.

In the meantime, I guess I should be ready this appointment. Naturally, this time, I will be told how un-spouse-like I am. How I should be more supportive. and stop blogging. because relieving my stress by expressing it won't help anyone.

Really not looking forward to this.....

And if it goes the way that the other appointments have? Then PK will attend 1 or 2 before he becomes too busy, doesn't need improving, or is fine just the way his is.. and pull your ass together bitch!

In the meantime. I am afraid. and tired to being alone. and sad that I am going to have to ride this out for 6-10 more years. What if I don't have more time than that left.

Could this be true?

Is it true that the wildest thing that you do for a man sexually is the thing that he expects from every woman for ever and ever?

And if so? What was that thing that you MUST have?

(you may list whether I met your needs at will..)

HNT-107

I am participating in Boobie-thon again this year.

Why? Well, breast cancer affects everyone with breasts. So, let's take a look at my family.... I have boobs. My daughters have boobs, albeit small ones... Hell, my husband is a has boobs. (m..us..t repress... natural..inclination to make...bad...joke...)

Anywho!

So I am giving you a sneak preview of what I am offering over there... and I have noticed a bunch of HNTers over at the site!

Come by and make a donation and take a look at the goodies on display!

The blind leading the blind

The Porn King has only two close friends. One is his best friend from high school who is also coincidently Asha's godfather. The other is his best friend from college.

Now, BFFC was married almost two years ago. He married a single, never married mom who at one time was a close friend of mine. Hence the reason that I introduced them. Well, I guess that wasn't the only reason.... Once BFFC kissed me too.. but that is a story for another day. Shortly after the love connection was made, the new girlfriend turned on me and went fucking whacko. I immediately realized the enormity of my mistake. Unfortunately BFFC did not and went on to marry the turd.

That however is water under the bridge.

Except for now BFFC is experiencing marital discord. shocking! Oh and did I mention that the new wife brings a very highly strung and overly intelligent/sensitive teenage daughter? I guess I just alluded to it... Just for extra fun.

So now BFFC is in town tonight seeking marital advice from the Porn King.

No, really. That wasn't a joke.

Yes, I see the irony in this too.

HNT-106

I kind of like this... I think it says...

Snuggle up behind me and kiss my shoulder...

When I feel you there I relax back against you.. rubbing my derriere against your body...

Do you want me? I can hear the catch in your breath and the spring in your jeans... I guess so..

Sigh. I wish you were here.

Blatant disregard

It is a familiar refrain about my house,

"Daddy come here!"

Inevitably it involves one of my daughters calling her father to a distant part of the house. One where I can't hear the conversation. Five minutes later a girl flounces out of the house with a smirk to me, her purse and no doubt a fresh crisp $20 in her wallet.

Does it matter that I asked her to do a chore that she didn't do?

Heavens no. Daddy said it was ok.

Well, fuck him.

HNT-105

Just a snippet of video this week...

I don't mean to be bad about posting..

but I tend not want to write when things are depressing... It has been 6 weeks since I was called a whore and knocked down.. and I was promised that he would contact a marriage counselor...

I am thinking that it this point that he has no intention of following through.

And the stupid part is that I knew he would never do it... but ironically when he got ticked at me I questioned him about it over a week ago. In a "How dare you!" kind of way. Like being semi-nice to me for a couple of weeks makes up the years of problems that he won't address. sigh.

Well, I suppose he will have no excuse when I eventually do what I must.

In the meantime, I am trying to find some happiness for myself. Wish me luck.

HNT-104

god help us all!

I have spent the week watching the conventions and my head is ready to explode!

This is my view of the convention tonight.

HNT-103

Well, it has been a week of pretending to be Ernest Borgnine, getting ready for girls to go back to school and neighbor crap but I have managed to take some time for me. And by that, I mean, I have come to realize that while I must exercise, I loathe virtually anything that grownups do.. I don't like to run, or do aerobics or taking spinning classes. But I DO like to swim.

Surprisingly enough I swim a good distance. Over the summer, when I was out east, I was swimming a mile or so a day. No, I am not making that up. I really can. And today... after the girls left for school, I left for the pool at the YMCA. As I swam my laps, I kept smiling. even giggling.. I felt free.

And to fit my new discipline, I got a swimmer's suit... I haven't worn a Speed since I was in highschool... but I like the way the racing stripes look on me.

My hero

I love to see someone who can admit what he needs to make himself happy.

The week in review

Well my peeps, if I may use that term without seeming totally ridiculous, it has been a week. From hell in fact.

To cover matters, I have been called a whore by my husband, my mother told me that I ahve nothing to complain about because she suffered more, my baby turned 12 and we had air raid sirens sending us to the basement for nearby tornadoes... even though we live in the third largest city in the country.

Sigh.

I am exhausted.

So I hope that you will accept this older photo from an earlier series... I haven't posted it before... but you know... it isn't new either.

Have a good week

And go visit Os!

Go back to him, you whore.

That is what I was told last night before he pushed me to the floor.

Sigh

I picked up your email and cried the rest of the afternoon.

I am so sorry that you are so alone.

I thought about rushing to you but figured that there would be too much Angst. You don't need anymore on your plate right now.

Just know that I am thinking about you and am so sorry.

HNT-102

I didn't get a lot of photos taken this week because I have been heading home!

YEAH!

The end of vacation was spent in a fury of masturbation and the reading of bad erotica but a girl does what she has to to survive.

So I will be submitting this picture which I thought looked like what happens to the St. Pauli Girl after too many years walking the Bierpalasts of München.

Do I want too much?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

HNT-101

Whew!

Now the pressure of my 100th HNT post is behind me... I can finally get to bigger fish.

Except of course, I ran into this particular image this week. Well, I ran into the melon, itself, earlier this week. And as luck would have it, I had the camera in the kitchen tonight.

I have to honestly say that when I first looked at this melon I didn't see anything untoward. PK congratulated my father in law for getting twice the melon for the dollar. (They were being sold by the piece, not by the pound).

It was only after I took the first photo that I realized what I was looking at...

An ass?

A scrotum?

I think ass, myself. What do you see?

Summer Loving.. Had Me A Blast!

Catch the Sun
ecstaticist
August 4, 2007
Via Flick'r

I don't know why sun and water make me wax poetic... but here are some summer haiku

Skin tinged reddish
Blue water cool to the touch
Summer day, relax

Secret smile appears
Happiness bubbles within
My heart for you

Floating adrift
Sun calling me to heaven
You hold me back safe

HNT-100

Oh, I know this is late, but there was no help for it.

Trying to get computer technology to work consistently out here is a nightmare. And my FIL's 12 CPU isn't really helping.

I was asked to do something special for my 100th HNT. I hope this qualifies....

HNT-99

My whole day has been half nekkid as I wrapped myself in a sarong this morning and never went upstairs to change.

So saronged I remain.

Feeling sorry for myself

I think that I have made sacrifices for my family. For my marriage. For my children.

I am getting to the point that I am frustrated that these choices have not been recognized as difficult or that they even happened.

So, here I am. Sitting with PK this weekend, with the girls at camp. He wants to play around... ok. That sounds like fun. But as I lay there I realize that he has no idea what pleases me in bed. He uses the same approach every time. 45 seconds of foreplay downstairs to get me to go up to bed. 90 seconds of kissing... and then one dry finger to my clit that he then rubs too hard. No matter how often I have said, make it wet. Make it wetter. Make it sloppy wet. He never remembers.

My body betrays me off course, I am so starved for any touch that I cum... and hard. So I guess I don't need anything more. Don't deserve the extra attention. But it makes me think of other times... other men... They didn't all care about me, per say. But it was worth it to them to try to please me. So I would try in return. A mutual exchange of the joy of being alive. Because we don't all have that.

Of course, I know how he likes it.

He wants to see my feet. And if they are dirty all the better. He wants me between his legs, kissing, licking and sucking him. Using my hands, mouth and tongue to please him and I do. Just the way he likes it. Even if the position is awkward. Because it makes him happy. 19 years of marriage and he doesn't even try to remember what I like.

And that is our relationship at this point.

We do things that he prefers as he prefers them. If we talk about exercise... well I can use his very expensive treadmill. I don't need anyone to help me move the shelves that keep me from getting my bike down. I can't even get it down without help. I don't need to swim in the sunshine. I can go to the YMCA with its second class ladies locker room. I don't need a kayak so I can explore the river to distract me while I am exercising.

I can do things his way.

We watch movies that he wants. Tv shows that he wants. When he wants them. If I mention that I want to see something... well I can. alone. I am his companion when he wants it. And if I want something else? I should just go take care of it myself. Alone. Always alone. Because I made vows to forsake all others. And he hasn't broken his vow as he knows that I have. And of course, that makes him morally superior to me.

So here we are this afternoon. He wants to go out again for margaritas. We just went on Thursday. I don't want to go again. and said so. I am getting the pout. It is part of my job to give him what he wants.

He can't even be bothered to save the information about the therapist we were referred to. He isn't interested in saving the marriage. It is just exactly the way he wants it. except that I won't go for margaritas this afternoon. Can I put the information in my desk. So the next time someone goes scavaging through the desk looking for something that doesn't belong to them they can toss it back onto the dining room table and become MY clutter.

Not ours.

My problem.

Fluttering around like a charred ash...a reminder of the destruction that continues.

HNT-98

Well, it has been quite a week.

I have worked this week as photographer, referree, teacher, cook, chauffeur and the skullery help.

For my efforts I have been labelled mean, partial and vicious. That was from the kids and totally expected. What I didn't expect to be labelled disgusting, a whore and reckless.

Luckily, I have good friends here on the internet who have halped me feel better. Even PK came around, although his first assumption is that I should cease and desist anything that brings negative reactions from anyone at anytime.

An impossibility when you consider that I am a mother of a teenager. So, I endure. It is all that I can do.

With all that has been going on, I have not gotten to taking any new photos of a HNT variety so I am selecting something that I took this week. I think it represents my mood and it is pretty.

Can you buy a burka in Chicago?

Burka Woman
Susan Williams
Available at PicassoMio

I woke up the other morning to find that my sitemeter was spinning with all the hits that were coming to my site. This was kinda of bizarre as I have generally perceived myself as the writer of the least popular blog on the web. So naturally, I had to check out what was causing all the excitement.

It turns out someone had picked up my blog. And I was getting the excess traffic as a result.

The traffic was coming from two separate sources.

One was from something called the Beauty Bash Forum or the Original Beauty Bash Forum. I don’t understand what the heck is going on there but the first page is full of complaints and explanations and frankly, I don’t really care what the deal is.

As the name would suggest, I was posted on the site to be bashed. And I was. I am hideously fat and should know better than to think that I should be allowed the same rights as everyone else. Simply by virtue of my appearance.

My blog got posted there by someone who claims to have been reading me here for a while. Someone so horrified by my fatness, ugliness and stupidity that they kept coming back. Oh and researched me enough to link this blog to my family blog. Which means that they had to really search because they weren’t linked. At. All. Until I noticed that the beauty minions were visiting my other site and looking at my children.

And that is where I get angry. Because this git has posted pictures of my children claiming that I play fast and loose with their identities. Even though I use pseudonyms on both blogs. It seems to me that the only one being reckless with my children was this person. Who naturally remains anonymous. As do all the people who commented about me.

The next set of links came from some group called mywomancave on yuku.com. I went to Yuku to explore the group. Naturally it is a closed group that you must be approved to join. Surprisingly enough, my membership has yet to be approved.

So. I guess I am left with the conclusion that someone out there dislikes me. And the person is probably someone that I know.

Frankly, these anonymous stealth attacks are cowardly and I am disgusted that anyone would go to such an effort to hurt me.

So, Thanks!

I guess I will be buying my burka to protect you from having to see my hideousness. Or you could stop visiting my blog. And leave my kids the fuck alone.

HNT-97

Summer Vacation has begun.

but it is still wet, grey and chilly. or as today brings us humid.

So I offer you another selection from my flower series

My body is twitching and shaking.

I feel more attached to my body and indeed the world than I have in a week.

Energy flows through my body and exiting my fingertips and toes. Not disappearing as it leaves me but invigorating me as it connects me to the universe.

Even my clothes touching my skin makes shiver. Like I am jumping out of my skin. Every twitch re-ignites the fire.



Why do I forget that I can create these connections for myself and don't need anyone else. Yes, it is sweeter when shared but can also be lonely when it is used selfishly. I need this elation to reinvigorate my heart.

HNT-96

Gee, I can't believe it is Thursday already.

And late afternoon and that... I have forgotten to post...

Here is another from my flower series...

HNT-95

I don't think that Spring is ever coming to Chicago. It is still chilly here. Very chilly.

At least some days the sun shines and there are flowers blooming.

They give me ideas....

Does this ever happen to you

Have you ever been in a room so cold that your nipples get so hard that they hurt?

And by hurt I mean burning in the middle of my chest.

Sigh.

HNT-94

Hmmm, why do I think of coconuts?

The problem for me, is that the coconut is one of the food items that you either love or hate....

Like cilantro.

As this is HNT's 3rd anniversary, I would like to point out that this is my 94th post (duh) and I have been participating in one way or another since January 19, 2006.

Hope you all have a good HNT!

Go so Os for more info!

Shower dreams

I was so excited to be seeing you. It has been so long since we touched.

I jumped into the shower to be ready for you, letting the hot water run down my body sluicing through the soapy foam. I washed my hair and took a few minutes to rinse it, leaning my arms agains the pebbled wall as the water poured over my head and shoulders.

The sound and heat of the water was pounding around my ears as I felt your warm breath on my neck. Nibbling your way up my neck, I shivered as your arms reached around and cupped my full breasts. And then I felt your hardness rubbing against me, searching for entry.

I arched my back and moaned begging you to find a warm entrance into my body. And you did. Sliding deeply into me, slowly and steadily, until you were buried deep within me. Your groan of satisfaction made me wild and I bucked against you, begging you to find a way deeper and deeper inside of me.

The water felt cold against my skin as you explode into me filling me with your intense heat.

I lean into the pebbles, weeping in happiness and relief as the water re-warms my skin.

Until I come to myself again.

I am alone. Still. Needing. Wanting you.

Why won't you come to me. Why must it be this hard?

Life is hard, but we are making it harder.

HNT 93

It has been another week of fun around my house, but generally calmer. And so I have been able to take a couple of minutes with my camera alone in my room. (not totally alone... the dog is lying there at the end of the bed... but she is generally just ignoring me so I might as well be alone).

I am working around the house trying to get my gardening in order. I have a series of window boxes that I am filling with herbs and lettuces. It should be a pretty clean operation but as I have very little coordination, I still manage to spill topsoil all over which includes into my crocs.

Here is the result.

PK would be so excited if he paid the slightest bit of attention to me as a women. Dirty feet have always been a favorite of his.

HNT - 92

Ok... t he last couple of weeks have sucked. Beside being in a technology nightmare (I am trying to create an actual website and I am a tech moron) I still have to deal with this walking hormone that I call a daughter. To say that I came close to a stroke yesterday would be an understatement...

That is why I am posting this picture.

From more innocent days.

My high school yearbook in fact.

I thought Os might enjoy it.

Is it supposed to be this hard?

This mothering of teen age daughter crap is for the birds. Is it normal for you 13 year old daughter supposed to be picked up by the police for graffittiing a public park?

I didn't think so.


Of course your average 13 year old girl isn't supposed to have a shrink, call her mother a whore or come close to flunking out of the 7th grade.

I am horrified.

Luckily the shrink seems as mystified as I am. Otherwise I would think I was insane.

HNT-91

I saw this over at Poppy Cede's... Obviously, I can't restrain myself... But then it is perfect HNT! Obviously, you should follow the bouncing boobs!

Please go see Os for much classier submissions than mine.

Ranting again.

Am I crazy?

Am I living in an ivory tower (a favorite excuse from my family as I am the only one of the four year college degree and a Masters! be still my beating heart) because I think that I deserve to be cuddled and romanced for longer than 5 minutes more than five minutes before you want to stick your penis into my mouth?

Could it hurt to say something nice to me? I make you excited? You like me? You aren't planning on vomiting on me?

And by wanting this, NAY, needing it... does that really make me self-involved? or having a basic level of standards.

Oh and I just saw that PK was on his secret yahoo account. I sent him an IM and he ignored me. So clearly, he is on the prowl for more porn. I guess I can't blame him. I told him that I don't want to have sex with him although I still want to have sex. Like that will happen. But still, I am he considered it a blow that I have decided not to follow his every instruction.


blah... I am out of vodka. I am gong to bed.

Inadequate me

Well I fucked up again.

I worked my ass off today, but I still got it wrong.

But it turns out that that everything is wrong, or that I am self involved.

I reached out for love and discovered I am still not living up to my potential and no one can stand me when I am struggling.

I rejected sex, not because I have no physical need, but because I demand more for myself and found myself berated as thinking "everything should be about you" or me in that case.

I reached for friendship and found myself labelled as overly involved in my children's lives because I care whether they excel and try to support them.

I tried to be a good daughter and found that it is lovely that I make my inadequate efforts, but they are not enough to make up for what my mother has lost.

Rejected all around. Why can't I be loved for myself? My idiosyncracies and inadequacies. Isn't that what love is supposed to be? I thought so. Hope for someone to overcome, encouragement, but love and understanding when they are human.

Am I not a human and no one told me? it must be so... since I fail so many people so often and they feel compelled to tell me.

HNT-90

Yes, I have been off for a while.. I didn't quit HNT or even blogging (although I loved Os's post about that subject). I was sick. again.

I think I have been sick all winter. And I am tired of it.

I also realized that I am relying far too much on my nipples to get me through the HNT process. Now, I realize you are saying to yourself, "Come on! We love the nipples" I understand. I love the nipples too. And they are still here. Hell, I even took a shot of them this evening. And really? it was a lovely shot. I just thought I would go with something a little different.

So here it is...

The lips.

I think they look kind of kissable. I like kissing. I have even been told that I am pretty good at it. Sigh.

What is wrong with my brain?

Why does this look like a giant wad of jizz on the floor of my shower?

I really need to get some..

really.

When will I ever feel better?

I don't know what is wrong with me.

I am sick again/still...

I don't know. I thought I was better. But here I am again... coughing up my lung.

And why?

Damned if I know. But I know that I am feeling depressed again. I am not entirely certain if it is because I am sick or I am sick because I am depressed. I just know there is a strong correlation in me between health and happiness.

Maybe it is the lack of sex that is making me sick. or love. or touch. That is certainly harder for me to calculate. I have had all three... sometimes together sometimes apart. They always made me feel better than I feel currently.

The question is how can you go out into the world and seek those things that you are missing when you have teenagers and preteens that you trying to set an example for. You certainly can't have a lover and try to explain to your child why she shouldn't have sex. Or explain that her father isn't part of a satisfying sex life for me. But then, how did I get to the point that I have children at this age and not sex, love, touch or respect.

Blah... time for more Niquil.

Maybe the answers will come in my fevered dreams.

Or at least soothe me with memories of desire glowing in your eyes as you gave me that little smile/smirk at still makes my heart catch when I think of it. I will dream of falling asleep in your arms and you laughing at me me because I chatter (in my sleep) and drool all night long.

I wish so much everything could be different and i could be in your arms again.

HNT-89

Ok.

Here is the deal. I more John Hodgeman and less Justin Long.

I don't even use an iPod... it doesn't work with my Rhapsody service.


So this is what I have to offer for this weeks HNT.

I am sure that Os has more exciting offerings than this

In other news

I seem to have turned some kind of corner.

Suddenly this week I am not crying or considering every other moment about what I lost... gave up. I wouldn't say that I am hopeful, per say, but at least I am not dreading tomorrow. So that is progress.

I don't know why, but I woke up one morning and it was just better... The night before I had dreamed of my messed up life and those that I hurt... and they were better, no longer angry with me... and me, not sorry the choices that I felt that I had to make.

In the meantime, I have had a series of frank conversations with the Porn King. I layed a lot of my anger at him out for him to review. I even got down to the small stuff.... Yes, as much as things suck, I had to tell him that he has become lazy and selfish in bed.

But really, it felt good. Not that I believe that it matters to anyone besides me.

And I can't even give it away...

Powered By Adult Toys


Well, I guess it is good to think I have career options.... Yeah, RIGHT.

HNT-88

I feel like I am constantly running late this week, and today is no exception. It happens when the PK is out of town, which is increasingly rare. I guess that I have lost my edge.

It may be more work, but for some reason it ends up being more peaceful. I guess the kids know that there is no point raising a fuss.

For those of you who asked after her, Asha has had a considerably better week this week. Other than her on again/off again crush flaking off again. She handled it well. Thanking me for my support as she knew that I did not approve of this boy/girl foolishness. I wasn't sure whether to hug her or look for the chip imbedded in her brain. Ahhh, the teenage years.

On the other hand I am impressed with her maturity and ability to let go. I am still having issues with that.

Moony HNT

I got absorbed looking at the sky tonight...

Trying to explain to Thera how a lunar eclipse happens. It was a welcome diversion from Asha's troubles this week. Her MySpace page was hacked by "friends" who spent the remainder of the week harassing her.

Sound familiar? Yeah.. to me too... They tormented her last year at the same time. Of course, last year, Asha ended up hospitalized...

I am SO on top of it this time...they have been turned into teachers, ISPs and parents.

Now I can concentrate on la bella luna.....

Ahhhh....

lonely

Lips
Warm Soft
Nibbling Sucking Teasing
Breathing Life into Me
Heavenly

Valentines HNT

The theme was red. I am not sure what I feel about my effort. To me it seems like a clown nose (with no disrespect to Rainy Pete). What do you think?






















The plus side was I got to eat the entire container of raspberries myself... and this is the utmost of decadence as raspberries are expensive and seem to have a half-life when it comes to refrigeration.

HNT-85

Still in bed sick....

Took a moment after a quick shower to wrap up in my favorite shawl... I take it to the kids sporting events with me... I think I always will... it will always work. It has every color in it.

Birthday in Bed

Yup, that is me today....

Don't get the wrong idea though...

I'm sick.

Oh, and I did it! I cut off all my hair and went back to my original color.

Just what I needed to hear.

Another reason to anticipate trouble from my breasts.

When I was in 5th grade, I was a 36C.

Fuck.

And I am not even getting to enjoy them. This isn't fair.

HNT-84

Running late tonight, but pleased to see that my HNT picture doesn't seem to be suffering.

I snapped this baby with my new cell phone.

Shheesh

Do you know how hard it is to consider getting yourself off after a call from your grandmother? DAMN IT!

I could have really used it.

I am having one of those days

Learn To Love Fat
Richard Wilkinson


Ever wake up aroused wishing that you could spend the day in bed your skin covered in sweat, lube and semen? I am having one today. Even sneezes feel orgasmic. Naturally, I am alone. I guess it is back to solitary masturbation for me.

I hope I don't get to the point where I associate sexual ecstasy with lonely weeping. This is getting depressing.

HNT-83

Holy Sweet Mother of God!

Is it possible? Where has all the time gone?

My sweet Asha is 13 today.

That means that I am the mother of a teenager. Oh crap.

I still remember when this picture was taken. That is me at the same age. eating sugar. Yeah, I was sophisticated from an early age.

HNT-82

A special video edition....

Yes, today sucked...

but yesterday I did play in my bath a little... Like the twit that I am, I forgot to turn on the audio... that not you would have heard much but the sound of pouring water...

So... I screwed around with the video a bit and edited (poorly) music into the video..

I know... 8 year olds can do this... but for myself, I consider this mad, hot tech skills....

Ugh

Well, it has been a swell day today.

Asha is feigning illness again... and she is good at it... It turns out that she can wretch like a pro. Well, she has been practicing for a number of weeks... so I guess that accounts for that.

She has done this so much, that today I took her to the doctor. Luckily our regular pediatrician was not there as Asha would have died at the questions that had to be asked of her. Since she has been allegedly vomiting...(I hear wretching, but have not seen the vomit).

And what questions was my girl asked? Hmmm, well apparently when they sent me out of the room (for the first time, I might add) for her exam, she was asked if there was a possibility that she was pregnant. She said no.

Afterwards, the doctor asked me for permission to run a pregnancy test and though in my heart of hearts I believe that there was no cause for this, given that this is Asha and not Thera, I agreed. See, Asha is more likely to do something stupid without thinking ahead and then thinking that she can make it go away by ignoring it. Also she tends to try to get away with things... a bad combination under the circumstances.... The test was negative.

On the car ride home, Asha railed at being asked that question. "Why would they think that?" she asked me. I pointed out that the doctor has to ask as she does not know Asha. That there are other pregnant 13 year old girls in the city... That the doctor would have been remiss for NOT asking the question.

But I am now feeling infinitely sad that I had to even consider the possibility that my not quite 13 year old could be pregnant.

It makes me want to vomit.

Did you feel it?

Is there still a connection?

When I whispered your name while I touched myself I still felt a bond. The rush of euphoria that I came to associate with you.

Did you shiver as I called for you?

Or did you shudder with scorn at my weakness and inconstancy?

Reading List

I should prolly read this book....

Of course, by reading it will get me into more trouble...

There is no winning....

A Different Kind of HNT

Well... for me anyway...

I thought that this was a great photo. That blur is a friend of my daughters as she was doing back handsprings across the gym floor.

This was Thera's first outing as a cheerleader... so I had to include her in the shot as well....

Isn't she adorable?