Can you buy a burka in Chicago?

Burka Woman
Susan Williams
Available at PicassoMio

I woke up the other morning to find that my sitemeter was spinning with all the hits that were coming to my site. This was kinda of bizarre as I have generally perceived myself as the writer of the least popular blog on the web. So naturally, I had to check out what was causing all the excitement.

It turns out someone had picked up my blog. And I was getting the excess traffic as a result.

The traffic was coming from two separate sources.

One was from something called the Beauty Bash Forum or the Original Beauty Bash Forum. I don’t understand what the heck is going on there but the first page is full of complaints and explanations and frankly, I don’t really care what the deal is.

As the name would suggest, I was posted on the site to be bashed. And I was. I am hideously fat and should know better than to think that I should be allowed the same rights as everyone else. Simply by virtue of my appearance.

My blog got posted there by someone who claims to have been reading me here for a while. Someone so horrified by my fatness, ugliness and stupidity that they kept coming back. Oh and researched me enough to link this blog to my family blog. Which means that they had to really search because they weren’t linked. At. All. Until I noticed that the beauty minions were visiting my other site and looking at my children.

And that is where I get angry. Because this git has posted pictures of my children claiming that I play fast and loose with their identities. Even though I use pseudonyms on both blogs. It seems to me that the only one being reckless with my children was this person. Who naturally remains anonymous. As do all the people who commented about me.

The next set of links came from some group called mywomancave on yuku.com. I went to Yuku to explore the group. Naturally it is a closed group that you must be approved to join. Surprisingly enough, my membership has yet to be approved.

So. I guess I am left with the conclusion that someone out there dislikes me. And the person is probably someone that I know.

Frankly, these anonymous stealth attacks are cowardly and I am disgusted that anyone would go to such an effort to hurt me.

So, Thanks!

I guess I will be buying my burka to protect you from having to see my hideousness. Or you could stop visiting my blog. And leave my kids the fuck alone.

I know what I am and what I want

No body has every accused me of having a sweet personality.

I am fat. I am opinionated. I swear like a sailor or any Brit that I have ever met. I can ocassionally drink like a fish. I admit to and relish in my baser needs and desires and indulge in them when I can. If you need help and I can give it to you, I will. I will put up with your bad moods because I figure you have had a bad day, or week, or month.

But

I am a woman who is tired of criticism from the people who claim to love me about how I don't live up to THEIR expectations of me.

If I say that I am staying with PK believe that is a decision that I have considered long and hard and it was made because my children have had too much tumult in their lives. I maybe occassionally miserable about it. But that is an absolute in my life. At least for the foreseeable future and by that I mean nearly a decade.

I don't want to be saved.

I don't want to be fixed.

I want to be appreciated for the flawed person that I am.

Not my perfected ideal.

My life is full of people who want to fix me so live up to their expectations of me. I don't need more.

I will take you at face value and accept you for the flawed person that you are... I want no less in return.

A blissful hour

Yes, I took an hour to myself on Sunday. I got away from the noise. I got away from the arguments.

I went to the house.. even though it is not quite finished, my master bedroom porch is.

I have dreamed of this porch for two years now.

So I took a blanket, some water and a book and I enjoyed it. In the way I hoped to enjoy it most.

Did I get any color?

Hovering

Why can PK suddenly not leave me alone?

A desire for my company? 90% of the time we are alone together we are silent. The other 9.9999% we are talking about household issues or the kids. Our lives together, what we hope or want... these are topics that can not be discussed. Or at least I can't discuss them.

Yet here we are.. spending all this time together... Is it bringing us together in a more emotional level? No. Are we together more physically? No I am still on my twice a month plan. Why is he with me?

Because I told him I would be taking lovers... He is spending time with me to prevent me from having time to seek out or meet with a new lover. I am not sure that I shouldn't be pleased. But the fact remains that he still doesn't want me.

And the physical wanting is as important as the emotional. Does he think that I would leave him? Maybe a young woman would confuse sex and love, but I don't. This is not to say, I want a sexual relationship complete devoid of feelings, just an occasional interlude to remind me that I am something more than a cog in the works of this family.. I understand that I am the central cog, the one that keeps the family moving. But this position keeps me from interacting with the world on my own.

I am seen only as his wife or their mother.

Not me.

Just a woman.