You Must Be Joking

I have been working hard on trying to let go of anger when dealing with PK.

Marriage counseling is helping... After initially being irritated that the therapist seemed to take everything PK said at face value, I have since noted that she is essentially directing him to behave better... which so far he does. Will I be able to let go all my anger? Who knows. But not being at each other's throats makes life more pleasant around here.

On the other hand he shouldn't be so stupid as to suggest I talk dirty to him while we are playing around... When I express that part of me, he uses it against me. and frankly, I can't figure out the lines between good naughty wife and bad naughty wife and you whore.

So don't even go there, asshat.

Clearly, I have more work to do...

Should be interesting

11 weeks and one day ago it happened.

I was pushed down and called a whore.

The next day PK said he wanted to go to therapy. And I said, "You need to set it up by yourself". Why? Because I have set up every other marriage counseling appointment. He then got to complain about the therapist. and how he didn't need fixing. Because? He is good. I am the problem. Except that wasn't what the counselors said. Not that they said that I was perfect. But they agreed that my concerns were warranted. Shocking, eh?

No, I wasn't either. In the meantime, PK has been an earthly delight. Hell! He even posted on our mutual website, which he hasn't done almost EVER, but bitches about almost constantly. He has been kind, considerate, sweet. Just to be ready for this appointment.

Naturally, we are heading to hell financially. All the money from the sale of the company is gone. Put into the house, which is still underwater and the rest frittered away by him on his need to live large. blech.

In the meantime, I guess I should be ready this appointment. Naturally, this time, I will be told how un-spouse-like I am. How I should be more supportive. and stop blogging. because relieving my stress by expressing it won't help anyone.

Really not looking forward to this.....

And if it goes the way that the other appointments have? Then PK will attend 1 or 2 before he becomes too busy, doesn't need improving, or is fine just the way his is.. and pull your ass together bitch!

In the meantime. I am afraid. and tired to being alone. and sad that I am going to have to ride this out for 6-10 more years. What if I don't have more time than that left.

The blind leading the blind

The Porn King has only two close friends. One is his best friend from high school who is also coincidently Asha's godfather. The other is his best friend from college.

Now, BFFC was married almost two years ago. He married a single, never married mom who at one time was a close friend of mine. Hence the reason that I introduced them. Well, I guess that wasn't the only reason.... Once BFFC kissed me too.. but that is a story for another day. Shortly after the love connection was made, the new girlfriend turned on me and went fucking whacko. I immediately realized the enormity of my mistake. Unfortunately BFFC did not and went on to marry the turd.

That however is water under the bridge.

Except for now BFFC is experiencing marital discord. shocking! Oh and did I mention that the new wife brings a very highly strung and overly intelligent/sensitive teenage daughter? I guess I just alluded to it... Just for extra fun.

So now BFFC is in town tonight seeking marital advice from the Porn King.

No, really. That wasn't a joke.

Yes, I see the irony in this too.

Something is going to hit the fan

Maybe I just that a second sense when bad things are going to happen, or maybe it was inevitable.

My MIL is sick.

Really sick. Like they found lung cancer and are still looking at her liver sick and getting her a new mammogram. I did some research. Which is the way I deal with anticipated trouble. I don't like to be taken by surprise any more than I have to.... but it turns out that lung cancer can be secondary to liver cancer... and they are sure that there is something wrong with her liver given the blood work that they have drawn already. Which means advanced cancer...

Before I did this checking, PK was sitting at the breakfast bar and telling me about what he had learned about the test results that day... "A lot of this is going to fall on me," he told me, "Because you know what emotional cripples my folks are... and they are already scared".

And that scares the living shit out of me.... because if he is the emotional tower of strength in that family... this is going to be really, REALLY bad. He has closed me out of his emotional life and stopped communicating with me when he started the business... what the HELL is going to happen when having to deal with his mother dying.

I have offered to help in anyway that I can... I am not going to say anything about what I found out, because really, we won't know for sure until the tests of complete... Maybe it is just lung cancer and cirrhosis or fatty liver syndrome (because that is the best option here) but one way or another this could very well be the final slowly hammered in nail on the coffin of this marriage... I can't be closed out further.

But I am glad that before the shit hit the fan, my girls at least a short period of peace.

What do I need?

I don't know anymore. PK has been very sweet. He took me on a date for the first time in years and later we laughed over one of the kids social studies projects. A good weekend, over all, but I am still unhappy.

I don' t know if it is our sex life, which I still am finding unsatisfying, or it is me feeling controlled. The sex part is simple. Within two minutes of waking up, before I can go to the bathroom and splash water in my face or pee, I get the request, "Can I have a blow job?". There is not kiss, no caress, no sweet words. This is typical. I run to the bathroom. Brush my teeth. Wash up a bit in case he is interested in more than my mouth then climb between his legs from the foot of the bed and service him. He loves my blowjobs. So much, he prefers them to any other kind of sex. Of course, after he cums he isn't ready to return the favor. Now it is time to get up and get ready for the day.

As he gets up up and starts to dress, I rub my fingers over my hardened nipples, enjoying the feeling of the softness of the cashmere from my nightgown against my heated nubbins. I then reach lower for the wetness between my legs and rub my clit. I close my eyes and imagine a lover whispering in my ear. He tells me how much he wants me, that he finds me beautiful and sexy and how he will show me with his hands, mouth.... his entire body. This is what I need. What I crave.

The desire for this is so strong, that it makes my body blossom with a beauty of the intensity of a jubilee of cerise florescence....after the explosive glory, and the petals scattered on the wind until the tree was bare until the next vernal season....

Is this normal? Will this pass? Is this a natural part of a marriage?

HNT-42

I am getting excited.. Tomorrow I am off to a holiday party...

Then Friday I will be celebrating a weekend sans famille...Friday I will be alone... I have done this before, I go to a hotel spend some time at the bar where I am ignored then retire to my room. There I masturbate, dreaming of a tongue and teeth gently pulling on my nipple and a voice hoarsely instructing me to lift my hips higher as I roll my swollen, wet clit between my middle and index fingers. I will keep those fingers wet, not damp, as I swirl around and around my sensitive nub until I cry out... as the electricity jolting my body fades, I will rewet my fingers and reapply them to my body.. bringing me to the edge, then plummetting over again and again.

Is this as good as sharing with another human? God, no. But it is what I can depend on. Myself.

Well, that is interesting

Last week, I told PK that things sucked here on the home front. And that extended beyond the preteen bullshit that we have been dealing with. I told him that I needed some improvements. That I was tire of feeling alone in this marriage. That I was tired of watching him drink the way he has been and that I would have to find something for myself if things didn't change soon.

And off to work he went.

Well, I felt like an idiot. Find something for myself? Could I possible be more obtuse or euphemistic? Frankly, I probably could in all fairness. I do have a dramatic flair....What a dope. So later when he called from the office I clarified matters. Asked if knew what I was talking about... Yes, he did, according to him. I pointed out that I wouldn't be discussing this again and that I would not pre-warn him when I took a lover. Again, he stated that he understood.

And that was the last it has been discussed.

Today he took the preteen to the office with him. I was glad. I had dreaded spending the day with her. She was only going to complain about how cruel I was to her and of course, she would tell me what whore I was... since that seems to a constant refrain these days.

The tween, on the other hand had a volleyball clinic from 10:30 - 2.... so I had a lot of time to myself. What did I do with this time? Would you believe that I moved furniture around? Well, sadly it is true. By the time he got home I was exhausted. He was irritated with me. Because I was still in a bad mood. "What did you think I was going to do with my time," I asked. "I don't know... taken a bath or something" was the reply I got.

Or something?

Is that code for get laid?

Well it is official

At least according to Dr. Gail Saltz and Dr. Drew Pinsky...

They have designated my marriage as sexless...

Luckily I am in really good company as according to them, up to 20% of marriages are like mine. The good news is that there is a solution. It is called communication.

Oops. There is the problem. When I communicate my feelings, I am accused of dumping on him. So I stopped. And I wait. But nothing improves.