Alone

Nude - 4
Diana Ong








With my family

I am alone.

I exist only as an image, an ideal

The real me

a disappointment

to be scoffed at and belittled.


Where are you?

Explanation please....

Can someone explain to me....

Why after I put on the same outfit that drew heads in London to go out with my beloved PK this evening...

Before we step into the restaurant..

He waits until I have primped, and pressed and walked passed him, the kids, his parents...

got into the car drove 6 miles

AND THEN he tells me that my blouse needs to be re-adjusted and I am hanging out of it?

For some reason, this crap never fails to upset me.

I felt confident. Sexy even.

All to be destroyed in an instant.

Hope you get a good nights sleep

Ever have a conversation with someone and have them fall asleep?

I would like to say no, but sadly it happens alot.

Last night I had the urge (which I supressed) to smother the sleeper/ignorer with a pillow...

Is that wrong?

Sex and the Pre-teen Daughter

or,

How to feel like a vital woman while standing next to your gorgeous, nubile and very young daughter.

I have been trying to find a way to handle it without feeling old and colorless and drab. But, alas that is exactly how I am feeling. I suppose it doesn't hurt that at her stage of puberty she is required to reject every aspect of me. And take emotional pot shots. Apparently, I am funny (not in a ha ha kind of way... more like weird), stupid, embarassing and over all useless. Oh, and I forgot... a lazy, disappointing slob.

I thought life with the PK was sucking me dry emotionally. This is now draining my soul.

Is this my fate? To become a non-entity?

A card for every occassion?

I think not, or I would be able to find the one that I am looking for...

The anniversary card that says, "I am not sure I would do it again".

After years of trying to read his mind and figure out what thing I failed to do for him that he expected even though he didn't mention it I am pretty much at my wits end.

The oldest daughter, who is sensitive to moods going on around here is suffering from this crap trying to "manage" her father's tempers. I am on anti-anxiety meds as a result of them. The younger one seems fairly happy go lucky . May be she will remain uneffected. Maybe she will be the most fucked up of all of us.

But here I am on the cusp of 17 years of wedded "bliss" and I find we know each less than we did before. Well that is not entirely true. I know him. He either doesn't care to know me or doesn't like it and is pretending that he doesn't notice what is going.

I know that my anniversary festivities will include:

dinner out at a fancy restaurant
a ride in a limo downtown (so he can drink without fearing legal reprisals)
No sex that night, but will wait until Sunday morning which is the day and time he has set aside for that duty. It will be the first time in 3 weeks he will express any interest and the time prior to that was the day that I got my period last (which means he got a blowjob but nothing for me since he finds my period icky)
Flowers
Breakfast in bed (which will not be in bed but I will probably have to help cook... it is Father's Day after all)
I will slide on my engagement, wedding and anniversary rings for the occassion. I don't really wear these anymore. I don't feel connected to them. He doesn't notice or at least rarely comments on it. I suppose that is a sign of how bad things are...

Over all I am unspeakable depressed and really not looking forward to anything