Can you buy a burka in Chicago?

Burka Woman
Susan Williams
Available at PicassoMio

I woke up the other morning to find that my sitemeter was spinning with all the hits that were coming to my site. This was kinda of bizarre as I have generally perceived myself as the writer of the least popular blog on the web. So naturally, I had to check out what was causing all the excitement.

It turns out someone had picked up my blog. And I was getting the excess traffic as a result.

The traffic was coming from two separate sources.

One was from something called the Beauty Bash Forum or the Original Beauty Bash Forum. I don’t understand what the heck is going on there but the first page is full of complaints and explanations and frankly, I don’t really care what the deal is.

As the name would suggest, I was posted on the site to be bashed. And I was. I am hideously fat and should know better than to think that I should be allowed the same rights as everyone else. Simply by virtue of my appearance.

My blog got posted there by someone who claims to have been reading me here for a while. Someone so horrified by my fatness, ugliness and stupidity that they kept coming back. Oh and researched me enough to link this blog to my family blog. Which means that they had to really search because they weren’t linked. At. All. Until I noticed that the beauty minions were visiting my other site and looking at my children.

And that is where I get angry. Because this git has posted pictures of my children claiming that I play fast and loose with their identities. Even though I use pseudonyms on both blogs. It seems to me that the only one being reckless with my children was this person. Who naturally remains anonymous. As do all the people who commented about me.

The next set of links came from some group called mywomancave on yuku.com. I went to Yuku to explore the group. Naturally it is a closed group that you must be approved to join. Surprisingly enough, my membership has yet to be approved.

So. I guess I am left with the conclusion that someone out there dislikes me. And the person is probably someone that I know.

Frankly, these anonymous stealth attacks are cowardly and I am disgusted that anyone would go to such an effort to hurt me.

So, Thanks!

I guess I will be buying my burka to protect you from having to see my hideousness. Or you could stop visiting my blog. And leave my kids the fuck alone.

Inadequate me

Well I fucked up again.

I worked my ass off today, but I still got it wrong.

But it turns out that that everything is wrong, or that I am self involved.

I reached out for love and discovered I am still not living up to my potential and no one can stand me when I am struggling.

I rejected sex, not because I have no physical need, but because I demand more for myself and found myself berated as thinking "everything should be about you" or me in that case.

I reached for friendship and found myself labelled as overly involved in my children's lives because I care whether they excel and try to support them.

I tried to be a good daughter and found that it is lovely that I make my inadequate efforts, but they are not enough to make up for what my mother has lost.

Rejected all around. Why can't I be loved for myself? My idiosyncracies and inadequacies. Isn't that what love is supposed to be? I thought so. Hope for someone to overcome, encouragement, but love and understanding when they are human.

Am I not a human and no one told me? it must be so... since I fail so many people so often and they feel compelled to tell me.

After a lovely day

Comes the crappy one....

Yesterday was Thera's birthday. We had a lovely time... took her to the village, bought her presents, had lunch out... time in the pool, out to dinner... it was all lovely

So naturally today everyone is irritated... and largely with me.

I won't take Thera to the previously scheduled trip to the wineries.. why? Gee, I don't know... maybe because she is 11 and will get bored.

And PK?

Well even though I am not interrupting any scheduled events, he is irritated that I am going to see friends tonight. Why? Probably because I have friends here. And he isn't invited... because I want something for myself.

Naturally, he has pronounced the entire event as dodgy...

Gosh, I hope so then!

What does a mom have to do?

Since I am clearly not doing it

I gave up my career for my family.. my kids needed my time and effort. I gave it.

Money was tight? I managed it. I paid off debt faster than we did when I was working... I made the effort.

I have had issues dealing with Asha going through puberty. I assumed that so many of the difficulties that we were having were her were hormonally driven.

Now I am not so sure.

Asha took a handful of aspirin Thursday night. Why? she can't or won't tell us. She is medically fine but mentally? Well that is to be seen. I just know that this has nothing to do with me. I have done nothing to fuck this kid up this much.

So until I can get her into treatment. I have locked up the knives, hidden the meds and follow her everywhere... even the bathroom.

She is feeling better. She is pissed off at me again. Telling me how I am destroying her life by keeping her safe from herself.

can someone explain this to me?

I did everthing everyone said that I should. I am involved at school, she is involved in activities. We care. How did we get a child who behaves suicidally, even if she claims that she isn't?

I hate losing track of time...

but I missed HNT this week. In all fairness, I wasn't prepared for it.

In fact, I was consumed with the kids school projects. Lately it has been one major report after another. This is (for the most part) the family tree that Thera put together for her class... I did add some additional foliage to fill in the family names.

In other news, I have been informed that I need to have additional test related to my mammogram. A friend of mine tells me that there is probably no reason to worry.. that they did the same thing when she went for her first mammogram.. but I can't help but worry... While they are reporting no observed calcifications tget apparently observed multiple masses in both breasts. Lets hope that I am just lumpy.

Renewal

Do you know what sucks the life out of me?

Travelling 500 miles with PK, kids and parents to attend grandmother's 99th birthday. This entails, yelling griping kids, criticizing parents, irritated husbands, fighting cousins, grasping, greedy aunts, and assortment of 1st, 2nd and 3rd cousins removed and unremoved.

Do you know what gives it back to me?

Being taken to bed by a lover whose only interest our mutual total satisfaction... A man who sinks into my soft body and sighs his delight, sucking on my nipples while pounding my hot wet pussy until I scream... and I hardly ever orgasm from intercourse, so you know that it will have to be incredible... Oh and we would take our time to explore each other's bodies... He would bury his long, hard cock deep in my tight ass and whisper his secret desires in my ear... I would explore his ass, sucking his cullions, while I explore his fundament with my fingers. I love the sound of his groan as he guides me into his body and spends his passion for me...

Yup, that would do it!

Sex and the Pre-teen Daughter

or,

How to feel like a vital woman while standing next to your gorgeous, nubile and very young daughter.

I have been trying to find a way to handle it without feeling old and colorless and drab. But, alas that is exactly how I am feeling. I suppose it doesn't hurt that at her stage of puberty she is required to reject every aspect of me. And take emotional pot shots. Apparently, I am funny (not in a ha ha kind of way... more like weird), stupid, embarassing and over all useless. Oh, and I forgot... a lazy, disappointing slob.

I thought life with the PK was sucking me dry emotionally. This is now draining my soul.

Is this my fate? To become a non-entity?