Should be interesting

11 weeks and one day ago it happened.

I was pushed down and called a whore.

The next day PK said he wanted to go to therapy. And I said, "You need to set it up by yourself". Why? Because I have set up every other marriage counseling appointment. He then got to complain about the therapist. and how he didn't need fixing. Because? He is good. I am the problem. Except that wasn't what the counselors said. Not that they said that I was perfect. But they agreed that my concerns were warranted. Shocking, eh?

No, I wasn't either. In the meantime, PK has been an earthly delight. Hell! He even posted on our mutual website, which he hasn't done almost EVER, but bitches about almost constantly. He has been kind, considerate, sweet. Just to be ready for this appointment.

Naturally, we are heading to hell financially. All the money from the sale of the company is gone. Put into the house, which is still underwater and the rest frittered away by him on his need to live large. blech.

In the meantime, I guess I should be ready this appointment. Naturally, this time, I will be told how un-spouse-like I am. How I should be more supportive. and stop blogging. because relieving my stress by expressing it won't help anyone.

Really not looking forward to this.....

And if it goes the way that the other appointments have? Then PK will attend 1 or 2 before he becomes too busy, doesn't need improving, or is fine just the way his is.. and pull your ass together bitch!

In the meantime. I am afraid. and tired to being alone. and sad that I am going to have to ride this out for 6-10 more years. What if I don't have more time than that left.

The blind leading the blind

The Porn King has only two close friends. One is his best friend from high school who is also coincidently Asha's godfather. The other is his best friend from college.

Now, BFFC was married almost two years ago. He married a single, never married mom who at one time was a close friend of mine. Hence the reason that I introduced them. Well, I guess that wasn't the only reason.... Once BFFC kissed me too.. but that is a story for another day. Shortly after the love connection was made, the new girlfriend turned on me and went fucking whacko. I immediately realized the enormity of my mistake. Unfortunately BFFC did not and went on to marry the turd.

That however is water under the bridge.

Except for now BFFC is experiencing marital discord. shocking! Oh and did I mention that the new wife brings a very highly strung and overly intelligent/sensitive teenage daughter? I guess I just alluded to it... Just for extra fun.

So now BFFC is in town tonight seeking marital advice from the Porn King.

No, really. That wasn't a joke.

Yes, I see the irony in this too.

In other news

I seem to have turned some kind of corner.

Suddenly this week I am not crying or considering every other moment about what I lost... gave up. I wouldn't say that I am hopeful, per say, but at least I am not dreading tomorrow. So that is progress.

I don't know why, but I woke up one morning and it was just better... The night before I had dreamed of my messed up life and those that I hurt... and they were better, no longer angry with me... and me, not sorry the choices that I felt that I had to make.

In the meantime, I have had a series of frank conversations with the Porn King. I layed a lot of my anger at him out for him to review. I even got down to the small stuff.... Yes, as much as things suck, I had to tell him that he has become lazy and selfish in bed.

But really, it felt good. Not that I believe that it matters to anyone besides me.

Too much sadness

As we listened to news about Benazir Bhutto over the last couple of days, my general sadness over my broken heart, my mother-in-laws death, and now the death of a columnist that we loved and respected at the Chicago Tribune, Terry Armour.... PK has broken... his sadness is overwhelming him.

The problem is that he is looking for re-assurance.

And I have none to give.

For the last week, all that could enter my mind was one phrase.

"I used to love you"

and I did.

desperately. But it has been a long time...

Tonight though, in his sadness, he asked the question.

Do you still love me?

Do I?

I do.

Do I love him as I did when we were young and enthusiastic and untried by the ravages of the world. Before I was abandonned to his ambition, his career, his family, his friends. More sad affection and shared experience, a sad shadow of my past feelings.

Do I still love him the way that I did?

No.

That is gone.

The eye of the storm

The shit storm that is.

My last post mentioned that my MIL was sick.

Well it turned out she was sicker than we all thought.

Last Friday she went to the doctor to finally figure out what was going on. PK and I had been guessing from the various tests that they were running. I won.

Small cell lung cancer that spread to her liver (and breast too, but that seemed insignificant). They called us Friday evening to tell us and to let us know the established protocol... which turned out to be chemo beginning Monday. So we had a plan, which is my FIL's favorite thing in the world. Plans give him a sense of security and peace.

What is it that they say about the best laid plans?

In this case it should say that they are subject to whims of fate and luck.

Saturday she was back in the hospital having lost a great deal of blood from an unknown source. FIL called to report she was admitted. I told PK he should plan to head out there... he demurred, waiting for this father's call. The next day we got a call saying she seemed somewhat better.... Three hours later we got another call... COME NOW was the word.

Swell... except we have had snow in Chicago and now rain, sleet, snain, oh and wind. So within 3 hours we piled the girls into the car, boarded the dog and headed out. We drove all night long and made it to Long Island around 10am on Monday.. we were directed to head straight to the hospital. When we got there? She was on a ventilator, ECG, O2 saturation monitors, automatic blood pressure cuff... the works.

But still she seemed good. responding to questions.... trying to talk despite the vent. We went back and forth that day. Because while she seemed alert, her test results got worse and worse. She was still bleeding. The girls were horrified by the bruising on her and the blood on her bed. No matter how often they cleaned her up.. the bleeding continued. They gave her blood. Near as we could tell about 4 units. They gave her 4 units of platelets in order to jump start her bodies natural clotting ability. None of it mattered. It turns out that the cancer in the liver was interfering with her bodies ability to produce fibrinogen which interacts with the platelets and allows clotting. No fibrinogen, no clotting... just continuous hemorrhaging.

We called a priest. We told her that it was anointing of the sick (which it is, technically) but more commonly that is known as Last Rites. She was given absolution (asked to think the Act of Contrition). The priest was kind and sweet. I hope she got some comfort from that. We went home for the night after that... The girls kissed her hands... the only place they could reach with all the tubes and all.... and told her that they loved her.

The call came at 4 am. Come NOW.

And we went.

She was less responsive although was still squeezing hands and nodding a bit. The girls came in and said their goodbyes and again kissed her hands. I took them back to the ICU waiting room, where they fell asleep. But not before Thera asked me why Granny's hands were cold and blue. I explained that this was part of the normal part of dying if one was not dying suddenly. Luckily she didn't ask me about the tear in Granny's eye. because it appeared there as I led the girls from the room. I saw it and said nothing. But clearly she was still with us and that disturbed me.

But still she hung on...her blood pressure was virtually non existent and for about 5 hours they kept the cuff on... searching for the non existent pressure. Finally, I asked the nurses to remove it. They were not expecting to find one and it made no sense to squeeze her for no good reason. The nurse agreed then looked at me shrewdly.

"Would you like us to give her some morphine to help with the pain?" she asked. I thought for a split second before telling her "yes". PK and FIL said nothing. PK knew what I was agreeing to. Hopefully he will not hold it against me in the future. I have no great sense of hope in that though....

Withing 20 minutes of receiving the morphine my MILs pulse and O2 sats started dropping quickly. It was awful listening to the alarms going off and knowing that no one would be rushing in to help. A couple of times, she rallied for a few minutes. The quiet would then be cut with the sound of the alarms. and then she flatlined. her heart restarted three times on its own. It was horrible to watch. At the end she moved a bit voluntarily. I like to think it was to say goodbye... and then there was no other motion except from the ventilator. The nurse came in and pronounced her dead. Tuesday morning, December 4, 2007, 9:49. She was diagnosed with cancer 5 days earlier.

We left the room a moment and they cleaned her up for us, removing the vents and leads, the tubes and monitors. We brought the girls in and said our goodbyes. The vent had left her mouth a little askew and this freaked the girls out a bit. Plus she got cold so fast. it was horrible.

I never want to do that again, but sadly I know I will likely have to at some other point.

Her funeral will be Friday. One week after her diagnosis.

Something is going to hit the fan

Maybe I just that a second sense when bad things are going to happen, or maybe it was inevitable.

My MIL is sick.

Really sick. Like they found lung cancer and are still looking at her liver sick and getting her a new mammogram. I did some research. Which is the way I deal with anticipated trouble. I don't like to be taken by surprise any more than I have to.... but it turns out that lung cancer can be secondary to liver cancer... and they are sure that there is something wrong with her liver given the blood work that they have drawn already. Which means advanced cancer...

Before I did this checking, PK was sitting at the breakfast bar and telling me about what he had learned about the test results that day... "A lot of this is going to fall on me," he told me, "Because you know what emotional cripples my folks are... and they are already scared".

And that scares the living shit out of me.... because if he is the emotional tower of strength in that family... this is going to be really, REALLY bad. He has closed me out of his emotional life and stopped communicating with me when he started the business... what the HELL is going to happen when having to deal with his mother dying.

I have offered to help in anyway that I can... I am not going to say anything about what I found out, because really, we won't know for sure until the tests of complete... Maybe it is just lung cancer and cirrhosis or fatty liver syndrome (because that is the best option here) but one way or another this could very well be the final slowly hammered in nail on the coffin of this marriage... I can't be closed out further.

But I am glad that before the shit hit the fan, my girls at least a short period of peace.

It is that time of the month

He walked the dog with me.

Playfully grabbed my ass.

Yup.

It is that time of the month.

He wants head.

sigh.

Here is a bizarre question

What do you do when you think that your daughter (age 12) has been exposing some of your most private possessions to her early/preteen friends?

That was in your bathroom drawer...

Where she should never be.

Do you confront her? Or just suck it up as curiousity by the young'uns?

Frankly, I am not embarrassed to have sex toys... on the contrary, I celebrate having them. But she is 12. And her friends are close to the same age. And not all of their parents share my values. (i.e. they may be good Catholic prudes, or even aetheist prudes)

and most important...

IT IS A VIOLATION OF MY PRIVACY and I am at of the food chain in this house!

--Added Note--

Well, that was a tremendous waste of my time.

Sure, confront the girl and what will she do? Well besides lie through her teeth, she will create a fuss to get her father pissed off at me. Not a mean feat, but an annoying one.

See, without me around, they all had a lovely weekend. And now that I was home... well, the Porn King didn't have to say it, but it was clear that I had ruined all of that.

Never mind that I was not responsible for this difficulty. That I wasn't yelling. That it was my privacy that was violated and I was being lied to (apparently she was lingering in my bathroom with her smirking friend because she was getting a brush that she stuck down the back of her pants even though my brush was about eight inches long and two inches wide... a piece of cake to hide in a size 2's shorts).

It is all my fault that there was screaming right before dinner.

Sun burn, my ass!

Or why I should be allowed to sunbathe in the nude.

Like I am hurting anyone? Please.

But there I was up on my private porch taking a nap. Naked.

Oh ok the loser neighbors did come outside. But they can't see me. I am on the wrong side of the dinette roof. The only way anyone else can see me is if their vision is incredible. They are looking up and squinting to see the slats on the porch.

I am being careful. Staying low to the floor. Not attracting a lot of attention.. Not making any noise.

But out he comes. The Porn King. To inform me that I am getting sunburned. That my face is red. Ironically, my face is the part of my body that I cover! So I don't get it too sunburned. It is exposed to the sun more than the rest of my body.

I know when he is just embarrassed of me. and I am getting sick of it.

Wish I had seen it...

The Porn King took Thera with him as he ran errands this morning. This allowed me to vegetate enough to come to a waking state without having to scream, which is pretty rare for me these days.

While driving around he reported seeing this bumper sticker.

Exercise in futility

So there we are checking out the house... walking around looking in particular at my new bathroom lovingly. The tub.. well, I think I may live in it for about a month.

But then I went to the shower. There are smooth black pebbles beneath my feet and as I lean against the shower wall. This will be relaxing, I think.

Then I sit on the bench in the shower. I look at the Porn King. Look at him suggestively and say, "The bench looks like it is just the right height".

I get a blank look in response.

"Right height for what?"

Can someone explain to me why I fucking bother?

HNT-55B

I took this picture today at the house to show the Porn King which appliances had been installed into the house... when I got home and opened them... I discovered this shot. It reminded me of those Ebay pictures of shiny teapots or toasters which a naked guy in the background. As PK would say, "There is a fetish site on the internet for those pictures!" And God knows PK would be aware of it.

I am not naked, but I think you guys get the idea!

How Refreshing

To talk to someone who understands the concept that actions speak louder than words...

This is a subject that bothers me the most about the PK. He tells me one thing and acts in a completely different manner. Does he not realize that I can tell the difference?

I was talking to a new friend, when he mentioned that he has learned over the years to pay more attention to what people do than what they say. And I was floored.

I am so used to hearing the platitudes about how PK is going to change and how he is going to make an effort to curb his excesses and pay attention to my needs and the needs of the kids. And so used to being told that I was too cynical for not believing him. I forgot other people really do use actions to back up what they say. That it is expected even.

That being said, I got a call around the time I was supposed to pick the kids up... asking me if I could take the kids to tae kwon do by myself this afternoon. PK has a report that he is working on.... it was taking him forever. This I knew from his working at the dining room table late last night. I even helped him type some slides (make a mental note: I hate PowerPoint) Sure. I am reasonable.. I will do this.

At four-thirty, I got the call asking if I minded that he go to dinner with one of his business partners. He has had some stuff on his mind and wants to discuss it with him. He promises that this will not be one of those late nights when he comes home drunk off his skull, obnoxious, amorous and then totally useless to me the next day. He asks my permission. as if this gives me control in the matter. Which it doesn't as a negative response will just be met with complaints that I don't "support his career". So I tell him to go ahead.

As I hang up the phone I realize something. What about the report? The original reason that he wasn't going to be home on time. I call him back and ask. Just finishing it now. Frankly, now I am suspicious. It seems to me that he never had any real intent of coming home for dinner tonight. At least that is how I read it. But he doesn't have the guts to tell me he wants a night out. Why? Because he doesn't want to reciprocate. I could be wrong. What do you think?

I think that for tonight his actions speak louder than his words.

Hovering

Why can PK suddenly not leave me alone?

A desire for my company? 90% of the time we are alone together we are silent. The other 9.9999% we are talking about household issues or the kids. Our lives together, what we hope or want... these are topics that can not be discussed. Or at least I can't discuss them.

Yet here we are.. spending all this time together... Is it bringing us together in a more emotional level? No. Are we together more physically? No I am still on my twice a month plan. Why is he with me?

Because I told him I would be taking lovers... He is spending time with me to prevent me from having time to seek out or meet with a new lover. I am not sure that I shouldn't be pleased. But the fact remains that he still doesn't want me.

And the physical wanting is as important as the emotional. Does he think that I would leave him? Maybe a young woman would confuse sex and love, but I don't. This is not to say, I want a sexual relationship complete devoid of feelings, just an occasional interlude to remind me that I am something more than a cog in the works of this family.. I understand that I am the central cog, the one that keeps the family moving. But this position keeps me from interacting with the world on my own.

I am seen only as his wife or their mother.

Not me.

Just a woman.

And the answer is?

Fibroadenoma!!!!

Multiple and bilateral (which according to the radiologist is a GOOD thing)

Yes, folks I am pendulous and lumpy! WHEE!

(This by the way is not my boob... it just plays it on this blog... but trust me, this is very similar to what I was looking at this morning)

Now that I can stop worrying about this.. I can concentrate on my birthday trip to VEGAS!

When I was told about it, I have to admit that I initially thought is was like one of those Make-A Wish trips...

PK wouldn't ever take me there and then suddenly he was.. it seemed suspicious.. but we are still going .. staying at the Venetian.. I even have dinner reservations already.. WHEE!

More?

Jeez.... after weeks of having only bi-monthly interest in me, or even sex in general, the PK needed another bite at the apple (so to speak). Rather, and more correctly, I was taste the forbidden fruit this time...

We didn't get started too late... 9:30 or so...

Me between his legs again.. sucking and sucking and sucking and sucking and sucking and sucking and sucking and sucking...

Wholly cripes.... 45 minutes and still he is not cumming... I take longer than three minutes and I get the, "Is everything ok?"

I should him my feet... toes pointed, feet flexed... Nothing.

I might have slowed the process down when a long hair (from my head, thank you very much) got stuck deep in my throat hitting my gag reflex big time... Back in the days that I was reproducing, I was able to deal with this better... now, that I have ended those days.. hey, the kids are 10 and 12... my old gagging issues are back... and yes that means that I need to pull out the waterpik again.. because my toothbrush will set it off too... I am non-specific in my gagging.

Still, the final try was the 'show me your ass" portion of the evening. Up it goes into the air... and I expected the gentle playing that usually accompanies this activity.. instead I got the hard THRUST! of a finger deep into my ass. GGGR. yow.

well ok... in he is.. whew... But then he was pulling my asscheeks apart... FUCK! What the hell is that! Go EASY!!!

cripes. yikes. oww...

after a couple of more minutes he finally recognized he was going no where... We would stop until this morning.

Which we did.. And in 5 minutes? I had a veritable fountain...

Oh but how my ass hurts...

Pheromones?

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HNT-46 Naked Depression

And another argument with PK...

So many topics to choose from... Tonights option? Asha's report card. Why? Well, she is a smart talented girl, who puts no effort into anything in life. So long as she is popular and pretty she will make no effort...

PK can't bear to see her sad... which is pretty much the problem. He never learned to distinguish sad from willful.

After being criticized by the brat and her father-protector (Any wonder she calls me a whore on a regular basis) and getting her selfish butt into bed, I have indulged in a cocktail....

What do I need?

I don't know anymore. PK has been very sweet. He took me on a date for the first time in years and later we laughed over one of the kids social studies projects. A good weekend, over all, but I am still unhappy.

I don' t know if it is our sex life, which I still am finding unsatisfying, or it is me feeling controlled. The sex part is simple. Within two minutes of waking up, before I can go to the bathroom and splash water in my face or pee, I get the request, "Can I have a blow job?". There is not kiss, no caress, no sweet words. This is typical. I run to the bathroom. Brush my teeth. Wash up a bit in case he is interested in more than my mouth then climb between his legs from the foot of the bed and service him. He loves my blowjobs. So much, he prefers them to any other kind of sex. Of course, after he cums he isn't ready to return the favor. Now it is time to get up and get ready for the day.

As he gets up up and starts to dress, I rub my fingers over my hardened nipples, enjoying the feeling of the softness of the cashmere from my nightgown against my heated nubbins. I then reach lower for the wetness between my legs and rub my clit. I close my eyes and imagine a lover whispering in my ear. He tells me how much he wants me, that he finds me beautiful and sexy and how he will show me with his hands, mouth.... his entire body. This is what I need. What I crave.

The desire for this is so strong, that it makes my body blossom with a beauty of the intensity of a jubilee of cerise florescence....after the explosive glory, and the petals scattered on the wind until the tree was bare until the next vernal season....

Is this normal? Will this pass? Is this a natural part of a marriage?

Closer to me?

Why do birds suddenly appear every time I am near?

Well the birds I have never noticed before, but I have noticed that everytime I try to step into the bathroom, someone from this household has to follow me.

Today for instance, I look at PK and say, "What is our schedule this morning... I need to take a shower, should I take it before or after I drop you off?" Well sure, it turns out that I have plenty of time now...so in I go... naked, wet, and ultimately trapped in the shower.

"Hey, I have to use the bathroom, you don't mind, do you?" Ughhh.

Ummm, yes? That is probably why I asked about time to use the shower. But there I was stuck with the stench. Now, I am not trying to be superior. I am just saying, that I specifically asked if I had time for a shower that is generally considered to be a solo event, that one experiences in some peace.

I don't know if barging into the shower is is considered an act of intimacy, but I am feeling the strain of my lack of privacy.