As we listened to news about Benazir Bhutto over the last couple of days, my general sadness over my broken heart, my mother-in-laws death, and now the death of a columnist that we loved and respected at the Chicago Tribune, Terry Armour.... PK has broken... his sadness is overwhelming him.
The problem is that he is looking for re-assurance.
And I have none to give.
For the last week, all that could enter my mind was one phrase.
"I used to love you"
and I did.
desperately. But it has been a long time...
Tonight though, in his sadness, he asked the question.
Do you still love me?
Do I?
I do.
Do I love him as I did when we were young and enthusiastic and untried by the ravages of the world. Before I was abandonned to his ambition, his career, his family, his friends. More sad affection and shared experience, a sad shadow of my past feelings.
Do I still love him the way that I did?
No.
That is gone.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Year End HNT
This is ultimately not my favorite picture from last year... but those pictures are gone... Maybe they are cached someplace on the internets somewhere for someone to enjoy....this is runner-up...
I am going to miss this look, as I have decided to quit fighting the losing battle and let nature take its course with my hair.
Can you still be a sexy and vibrant woman with gray hair? I guess time will tell.... Can you still be a sexy and vibrant woman with no sex? I doubt it... but again time will reveal all... Happy New Year Os and fellow HNT'ers!
Friday, December 21, 2007
What this ad says to me
Merry Christmas, you gold digging whore.
Or at least that you have been bought and paid for with this sparkly jewel..... see... your husband gave you a lovely bauble... now you owe him.
This might explain why I don't wear jewelry anymore.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Too much information...
How do I explain to my FIL that his wife, my late MIL would be HORRIFIED with the amount of detail that he is giving out about her recent illness.
Do you really need to know where she was hemorrhaging? Hell, I don't even want to know that info...
I promise that if he ever starts bleeding internally that I will tell everyone that I know that he is bleeding from his eyeballs, fingernails, ear drums and cock... Hell, I will buy a billboard, but please! Please! stop. She is prolly spinning in her casket as we speak...
Do you really need to know where she was hemorrhaging? Hell, I don't even want to know that info...
I promise that if he ever starts bleeding internally that I will tell everyone that I know that he is bleeding from his eyeballs, fingernails, ear drums and cock... Hell, I will buy a billboard, but please! Please! stop. She is prolly spinning in her casket as we speak...
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
The eye of the storm
The shit storm that is.
My last post mentioned that my MIL was sick.
Well it turned out she was sicker than we all thought.
Last Friday she went to the doctor to finally figure out what was going on. PK and I had been guessing from the various tests that they were running. I won.
Small cell lung cancer that spread to her liver (and breast too, but that seemed insignificant). They called us Friday evening to tell us and to let us know the established protocol... which turned out to be chemo beginning Monday. So we had a plan, which is my FIL's favorite thing in the world. Plans give him a sense of security and peace.
What is it that they say about the best laid plans?
In this case it should say that they are subject to whims of fate and luck.
Saturday she was back in the hospital having lost a great deal of blood from an unknown source. FIL called to report she was admitted. I told PK he should plan to head out there... he demurred, waiting for this father's call. The next day we got a call saying she seemed somewhat better.... Three hours later we got another call... COME NOW was the word.
Swell... except we have had snow in Chicago and now rain, sleet, snain, oh and wind. So within 3 hours we piled the girls into the car, boarded the dog and headed out. We drove all night long and made it to Long Island around 10am on Monday.. we were directed to head straight to the hospital. When we got there? She was on a ventilator, ECG, O2 saturation monitors, automatic blood pressure cuff... the works.
But still she seemed good. responding to questions.... trying to talk despite the vent. We went back and forth that day. Because while she seemed alert, her test results got worse and worse. She was still bleeding. The girls were horrified by the bruising on her and the blood on her bed. No matter how often they cleaned her up.. the bleeding continued. They gave her blood. Near as we could tell about 4 units. They gave her 4 units of platelets in order to jump start her bodies natural clotting ability. None of it mattered. It turns out that the cancer in the liver was interfering with her bodies ability to produce fibrinogen which interacts with the platelets and allows clotting. No fibrinogen, no clotting... just continuous hemorrhaging.
We called a priest. We told her that it was anointing of the sick (which it is, technically) but more commonly that is known as Last Rites. She was given absolution (asked to think the Act of Contrition). The priest was kind and sweet. I hope she got some comfort from that. We went home for the night after that... The girls kissed her hands... the only place they could reach with all the tubes and all.... and told her that they loved her.
The call came at 4 am. Come NOW.
And we went.
She was less responsive although was still squeezing hands and nodding a bit. The girls came in and said their goodbyes and again kissed her hands. I took them back to the ICU waiting room, where they fell asleep. But not before Thera asked me why Granny's hands were cold and blue. I explained that this was part of the normal part of dying if one was not dying suddenly. Luckily she didn't ask me about the tear in Granny's eye. because it appeared there as I led the girls from the room. I saw it and said nothing. But clearly she was still with us and that disturbed me.
But still she hung on...her blood pressure was virtually non existent and for about 5 hours they kept the cuff on... searching for the non existent pressure. Finally, I asked the nurses to remove it. They were not expecting to find one and it made no sense to squeeze her for no good reason. The nurse agreed then looked at me shrewdly.
"Would you like us to give her some morphine to help with the pain?" she asked. I thought for a split second before telling her "yes". PK and FIL said nothing. PK knew what I was agreeing to. Hopefully he will not hold it against me in the future. I have no great sense of hope in that though....
Withing 20 minutes of receiving the morphine my MILs pulse and O2 sats started dropping quickly. It was awful listening to the alarms going off and knowing that no one would be rushing in to help. A couple of times, she rallied for a few minutes. The quiet would then be cut with the sound of the alarms. and then she flatlined. her heart restarted three times on its own. It was horrible to watch. At the end she moved a bit voluntarily. I like to think it was to say goodbye... and then there was no other motion except from the ventilator. The nurse came in and pronounced her dead. Tuesday morning, December 4, 2007, 9:49. She was diagnosed with cancer 5 days earlier.
We left the room a moment and they cleaned her up for us, removing the vents and leads, the tubes and monitors. We brought the girls in and said our goodbyes. The vent had left her mouth a little askew and this freaked the girls out a bit. Plus she got cold so fast. it was horrible.
I never want to do that again, but sadly I know I will likely have to at some other point.
Her funeral will be Friday. One week after her diagnosis.
My last post mentioned that my MIL was sick.
Well it turned out she was sicker than we all thought.
Last Friday she went to the doctor to finally figure out what was going on. PK and I had been guessing from the various tests that they were running. I won.
Small cell lung cancer that spread to her liver (and breast too, but that seemed insignificant). They called us Friday evening to tell us and to let us know the established protocol... which turned out to be chemo beginning Monday. So we had a plan, which is my FIL's favorite thing in the world. Plans give him a sense of security and peace.
What is it that they say about the best laid plans?
In this case it should say that they are subject to whims of fate and luck.
Saturday she was back in the hospital having lost a great deal of blood from an unknown source. FIL called to report she was admitted. I told PK he should plan to head out there... he demurred, waiting for this father's call. The next day we got a call saying she seemed somewhat better.... Three hours later we got another call... COME NOW was the word.
Swell... except we have had snow in Chicago and now rain, sleet, snain, oh and wind. So within 3 hours we piled the girls into the car, boarded the dog and headed out. We drove all night long and made it to Long Island around 10am on Monday.. we were directed to head straight to the hospital. When we got there? She was on a ventilator, ECG, O2 saturation monitors, automatic blood pressure cuff... the works.
But still she seemed good. responding to questions.... trying to talk despite the vent. We went back and forth that day. Because while she seemed alert, her test results got worse and worse. She was still bleeding. The girls were horrified by the bruising on her and the blood on her bed. No matter how often they cleaned her up.. the bleeding continued. They gave her blood. Near as we could tell about 4 units. They gave her 4 units of platelets in order to jump start her bodies natural clotting ability. None of it mattered. It turns out that the cancer in the liver was interfering with her bodies ability to produce fibrinogen which interacts with the platelets and allows clotting. No fibrinogen, no clotting... just continuous hemorrhaging.
We called a priest. We told her that it was anointing of the sick (which it is, technically) but more commonly that is known as Last Rites. She was given absolution (asked to think the Act of Contrition). The priest was kind and sweet. I hope she got some comfort from that. We went home for the night after that... The girls kissed her hands... the only place they could reach with all the tubes and all.... and told her that they loved her.
The call came at 4 am. Come NOW.
And we went.
She was less responsive although was still squeezing hands and nodding a bit. The girls came in and said their goodbyes and again kissed her hands. I took them back to the ICU waiting room, where they fell asleep. But not before Thera asked me why Granny's hands were cold and blue. I explained that this was part of the normal part of dying if one was not dying suddenly. Luckily she didn't ask me about the tear in Granny's eye. because it appeared there as I led the girls from the room. I saw it and said nothing. But clearly she was still with us and that disturbed me.
But still she hung on...her blood pressure was virtually non existent and for about 5 hours they kept the cuff on... searching for the non existent pressure. Finally, I asked the nurses to remove it. They were not expecting to find one and it made no sense to squeeze her for no good reason. The nurse agreed then looked at me shrewdly.
"Would you like us to give her some morphine to help with the pain?" she asked. I thought for a split second before telling her "yes". PK and FIL said nothing. PK knew what I was agreeing to. Hopefully he will not hold it against me in the future. I have no great sense of hope in that though....
Withing 20 minutes of receiving the morphine my MILs pulse and O2 sats started dropping quickly. It was awful listening to the alarms going off and knowing that no one would be rushing in to help. A couple of times, she rallied for a few minutes. The quiet would then be cut with the sound of the alarms. and then she flatlined. her heart restarted three times on its own. It was horrible to watch. At the end she moved a bit voluntarily. I like to think it was to say goodbye... and then there was no other motion except from the ventilator. The nurse came in and pronounced her dead. Tuesday morning, December 4, 2007, 9:49. She was diagnosed with cancer 5 days earlier.
We left the room a moment and they cleaned her up for us, removing the vents and leads, the tubes and monitors. We brought the girls in and said our goodbyes. The vent had left her mouth a little askew and this freaked the girls out a bit. Plus she got cold so fast. it was horrible.
I never want to do that again, but sadly I know I will likely have to at some other point.
Her funeral will be Friday. One week after her diagnosis.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Something is going to hit the fan
Maybe I just that a second sense when bad things are going to happen, or maybe it was inevitable.
My MIL is sick.
Really sick. Like they found lung cancer and are still looking at her liver sick and getting her a new mammogram. I did some research. Which is the way I deal with anticipated trouble. I don't like to be taken by surprise any more than I have to.... but it turns out that lung cancer can be secondary to liver cancer... and they are sure that there is something wrong with her liver given the blood work that they have drawn already. Which means advanced cancer...
Before I did this checking, PK was sitting at the breakfast bar and telling me about what he had learned about the test results that day... "A lot of this is going to fall on me," he told me, "Because you know what emotional cripples my folks are... and they are already scared".
And that scares the living shit out of me.... because if he is the emotional tower of strength in that family... this is going to be really, REALLY bad. He has closed me out of his emotional life and stopped communicating with me when he started the business... what the HELL is going to happen when having to deal with his mother dying.
I have offered to help in anyway that I can... I am not going to say anything about what I found out, because really, we won't know for sure until the tests of complete... Maybe it is just lung cancer and cirrhosis or fatty liver syndrome (because that is the best option here) but one way or another this could very well be the final slowly hammered in nail on the coffin of this marriage... I can't be closed out further.
But I am glad that before the shit hit the fan, my girls at least a short period of peace.
My MIL is sick.
Really sick. Like they found lung cancer and are still looking at her liver sick and getting her a new mammogram. I did some research. Which is the way I deal with anticipated trouble. I don't like to be taken by surprise any more than I have to.... but it turns out that lung cancer can be secondary to liver cancer... and they are sure that there is something wrong with her liver given the blood work that they have drawn already. Which means advanced cancer...
Before I did this checking, PK was sitting at the breakfast bar and telling me about what he had learned about the test results that day... "A lot of this is going to fall on me," he told me, "Because you know what emotional cripples my folks are... and they are already scared".
And that scares the living shit out of me.... because if he is the emotional tower of strength in that family... this is going to be really, REALLY bad. He has closed me out of his emotional life and stopped communicating with me when he started the business... what the HELL is going to happen when having to deal with his mother dying.
I have offered to help in anyway that I can... I am not going to say anything about what I found out, because really, we won't know for sure until the tests of complete... Maybe it is just lung cancer and cirrhosis or fatty liver syndrome (because that is the best option here) but one way or another this could very well be the final slowly hammered in nail on the coffin of this marriage... I can't be closed out further.
But I am glad that before the shit hit the fan, my girls at least a short period of peace.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Afraid
I started this blog discussing how I was invisible.
Two years later... I am torn.
I am stuck between having the chance to be visible... living a life where I was seen and needed... and remaining invisible.
And I chose invisibility.
I am an idiot, this much is sure. But it is also due to what invisibility brings me....
My girls.
Who despite all, love me and need me. Do they need me invisible to help them achieve their maturity? I don't know... but it seems to be helping them.
can I live in this background? I don't know.. but I have to for now...
It is not a complete retreat... but I have realized that I can't make that big reach for happiness that I wanted. It is too early. I thought that I could and all that I have done is hurt others in the process.
And so I am retreating...
For now...
But I am sorry. I never wanted to hurt you... and I will miss you... forever.
Two years later... I am torn.
I am stuck between having the chance to be visible... living a life where I was seen and needed... and remaining invisible.
And I chose invisibility.
I am an idiot, this much is sure. But it is also due to what invisibility brings me....
My girls.
Who despite all, love me and need me. Do they need me invisible to help them achieve their maturity? I don't know... but it seems to be helping them.
can I live in this background? I don't know.. but I have to for now...
It is not a complete retreat... but I have realized that I can't make that big reach for happiness that I wanted. It is too early. I thought that I could and all that I have done is hurt others in the process.
And so I am retreating...
For now...
But I am sorry. I never wanted to hurt you... and I will miss you... forever.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Well, I like to think so....
Still not ready to talk at this point, but ready to publish silly self-aggrandizing memes...
This made me feel better then I have in weeks....
Get a Cash Advance
This made me feel better then I have in weeks....
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Feeling sorry for myself...
That is where I have been....I will be back here after licking my wounds for a while...
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
HNT-79
Ever have one of those days where you just can't make anyone happy.
I am having one of those months...
So I am going to concentrate on my last nice day out on my patio...
I was all alone, enjoying the sun, the breeze and some solitude...I think I need more alone time to get my head together and decide what it is that I want... I am certainly feeling unsettled these days.
Monday, October 15, 2007
A gift for you gentlemen...
How To Make A Homemade Sex Toy - Watch more free videos
I was hoping for something for me.. but I guess that comes another day.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
HNT-76
Well... for some reason I am not able to post a picture right now... I will get a picture up as soon as I can... damn you BLOGGER!!!!!
Yeah! Now I can! I have no idea how I got this shot....I seem all twisty and turned... That seems to the way my life is going these days... I can't tell which end is up. Maybe it is the cool temperatures, maybe changes in people around me.... Things seem a bit weird lately. Not bad weird, just odd.
In the meantime, head over to see Os....
Yeah! Now I can! I have no idea how I got this shot....I seem all twisty and turned... That seems to the way my life is going these days... I can't tell which end is up. Maybe it is the cool temperatures, maybe changes in people around me.... Things seem a bit weird lately. Not bad weird, just odd.
In the meantime, head over to see Os....
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
HNT-74
Well it is still nice and warm here in the Second City... Warm enough to make a girl smile and think of summer days...
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
HNT-73
After a bath or getting out of the pool instead of toweling off, I prefer to air dry.I love the feeling of the sun and breeze on my skin...
Don't you?
Sunday, August 26, 2007
I know what I am and what I want
No body has every accused me of having a sweet personality.
I am fat. I am opinionated. I swear like a sailor or any Brit that I have ever met. I can ocassionally drink like a fish. I admit to and relish in my baser needs and desires and indulge in them when I can. If you need help and I can give it to you, I will. I will put up with your bad moods because I figure you have had a bad day, or week, or month.
But
I am a woman who is tired of criticism from the people who claim to love me about how I don't live up to THEIR expectations of me.
If I say that I am staying with PK believe that is a decision that I have considered long and hard and it was made because my children have had too much tumult in their lives. I maybe occassionally miserable about it. But that is an absolute in my life. At least for the foreseeable future and by that I mean nearly a decade.
I don't want to be saved.
I don't want to be fixed.
I want to be appreciated for the flawed person that I am.
Not my perfected ideal.
My life is full of people who want to fix me so live up to their expectations of me. I don't need more.
I will take you at face value and accept you for the flawed person that you are... I want no less in return.
I am fat. I am opinionated. I swear like a sailor or any Brit that I have ever met. I can ocassionally drink like a fish. I admit to and relish in my baser needs and desires and indulge in them when I can. If you need help and I can give it to you, I will. I will put up with your bad moods because I figure you have had a bad day, or week, or month.
But
I am a woman who is tired of criticism from the people who claim to love me about how I don't live up to THEIR expectations of me.
If I say that I am staying with PK believe that is a decision that I have considered long and hard and it was made because my children have had too much tumult in their lives. I maybe occassionally miserable about it. But that is an absolute in my life. At least for the foreseeable future and by that I mean nearly a decade.
I don't want to be saved.
I don't want to be fixed.
I want to be appreciated for the flawed person that I am.
Not my perfected ideal.
My life is full of people who want to fix me so live up to their expectations of me. I don't need more.
I will take you at face value and accept you for the flawed person that you are... I want no less in return.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
HNT-72
God what a week...
We got home from LI on Sunday night, which naturally leaves me two whole days to get the girls ready for school. And a blistering hard two days they always are. (Apparently we believe in testing our getting-ready-skills to the limit)
So now that they are off (and I won't show you a picture of them since they are far more beautiful than I) (Right, Poppy and Jolly Roger?) I will show you how I took my brief respite today? (they only had half a day)
Saturday, August 18, 2007
It is official
I'm a whore.
My husband threatened to divorce me last night because he saw pictures that a friend sent me of his cock. Never mind that the Porn King looks at whatever images float this boat. Apparently it is not allowed for the likes of me.
So naturally after threatening me, in the morning he wants sex to assert his total control over me. And like a coward I give in. He always chooses the time for sex to suit him. First thing in the morning. Preferably not awake. No foreplay. Add in the fact that I was completely hung over and felt miserable...
He proves his dominance over me
and I gave in.
I am nothing.
No one.
Sub human
My husband threatened to divorce me last night because he saw pictures that a friend sent me of his cock. Never mind that the Porn King looks at whatever images float this boat. Apparently it is not allowed for the likes of me.
So naturally after threatening me, in the morning he wants sex to assert his total control over me. And like a coward I give in. He always chooses the time for sex to suit him. First thing in the morning. Preferably not awake. No foreplay. Add in the fact that I was completely hung over and felt miserable...
He proves his dominance over me
and I gave in.
I am nothing.
No one.
Sub human
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
It is that time of the month
He walked the dog with me.
Playfully grabbed my ass.
Yup.
It is that time of the month.
He wants head.
sigh.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
HNT-70
And I am trying a video entry!
Yes, I am sure that I fucked this up... or you can hear the lilting tones of PK, the girls or Cash Cab in the background.... Oh, and please note all the mosquito bites I have gotten on my tender flesh... Do you know how hard it is to resist scratching those?
I did figure out how to do this though...
Or maybe not..
You tell me!
Yes, I am sure that I fucked this up... or you can hear the lilting tones of PK, the girls or Cash Cab in the background.... Oh, and please note all the mosquito bites I have gotten on my tender flesh... Do you know how hard it is to resist scratching those?
I did figure out how to do this though...
Or maybe not..
You tell me!
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
After a lovely day
Comes the crappy one....
Yesterday was Thera's birthday. We had a lovely time... took her to the village, bought her presents, had lunch out... time in the pool, out to dinner... it was all lovely
So naturally today everyone is irritated... and largely with me.
I won't take Thera to the previously scheduled trip to the wineries.. why? Gee, I don't know... maybe because she is 11 and will get bored.
And PK?
Well even though I am not interrupting any scheduled events, he is irritated that I am going to see friends tonight. Why? Probably because I have friends here. And he isn't invited... because I want something for myself.
Naturally, he has pronounced the entire event as dodgy...
Gosh, I hope so then!
Yesterday was Thera's birthday. We had a lovely time... took her to the village, bought her presents, had lunch out... time in the pool, out to dinner... it was all lovely
So naturally today everyone is irritated... and largely with me.
I won't take Thera to the previously scheduled trip to the wineries.. why? Gee, I don't know... maybe because she is 11 and will get bored.
And PK?
Well even though I am not interrupting any scheduled events, he is irritated that I am going to see friends tonight. Why? Probably because I have friends here. And he isn't invited... because I want something for myself.
Naturally, he has pronounced the entire event as dodgy...
Gosh, I hope so then!
Sunday, August 05, 2007
My need
I need to taste of you
to explore your body with my hot, wet tongue
desparate to find you
to impale myself on you
grasping your hardness
completing me
Hoping to find the spot where we stick together for ever
to keep that feeling always
close and tight
wet and hard
mine and yours
ours
always
The love in your eyes
a gift
a state of grace
to explore your body with my hot, wet tongue
desparate to find you
to impale myself on you
grasping your hardness
completing me
Hoping to find the spot where we stick together for ever
to keep that feeling always
close and tight
wet and hard
mine and yours
ours
always
The love in your eyes
a gift
a state of grace
Thursday, August 02, 2007
HNT-69
I like to call this one Post-BlogHer Cleavage....
Sorry for not posting more the last week or so. We are on our way out of town for our annual trek to my in-laws house on Long Island. Once there I will be able to post early and often as there will be a much better adult to child ratio....
Hmmm, will I get my hour of naked swimming? Will I be able to visit my North Fork friends before they leave for Maine?
Stay tuned and we will all find out together!
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
How do they know?
When we want to be alone?
To touch and kiss?
To pull you down onto the bed and cover you with my soft body?
Will you caress me gently? Building the fire in me slowly until my body burns with desire. We explore the hidden points of yearning in each of our bodies until nothing else will satisfy our need. You slowly sink your hardness into my welcoming body, making me remember that I am loved and wanted.
Girl with a Dog
Jean-Honore Fragonard
1770
or
Will you throw me down on the bed? Kissing and nibbling your way down my body until you reach under my skirt and pull off my panties then inhaling and tasting the sweetness of my wet pussy. Will you listen to me squeal my pleasure until your face is washed in my delight of you? Then nudging me over, planting your cock in my juiciness and plowing deep into me until you drench me with your desire for me.
How do they know? How long can we wait?
To touch and kiss?
To pull you down onto the bed and cover you with my soft body?
Will you caress me gently? Building the fire in me slowly until my body burns with desire. We explore the hidden points of yearning in each of our bodies until nothing else will satisfy our need. You slowly sink your hardness into my welcoming body, making me remember that I am loved and wanted.
Girl with a Dog
Jean-Honore Fragonard
1770
or
Will you throw me down on the bed? Kissing and nibbling your way down my body until you reach under my skirt and pull off my panties then inhaling and tasting the sweetness of my wet pussy. Will you listen to me squeal my pleasure until your face is washed in my delight of you? Then nudging me over, planting your cock in my juiciness and plowing deep into me until you drench me with your desire for me.
How do they know? How long can we wait?
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Here is a bizarre question
What do you do when you think that your daughter (age 12) has been exposing some of your most private possessions to her early/preteen friends?
That was in your bathroom drawer...
Where she should never be.
Do you confront her? Or just suck it up as curiousity by the young'uns?
Frankly, I am not embarrassed to have sex toys... on the contrary, I celebrate having them. But she is 12. And her friends are close to the same age. And not all of their parents share my values. (i.e. they may be good Catholic prudes, or even aetheist prudes)
and most important...
IT IS A VIOLATION OF MY PRIVACY and I am at of the food chain in this house!
--Added Note--
Well, that was a tremendous waste of my time.
Sure, confront the girl and what will she do? Well besides lie through her teeth, she will create a fuss to get her father pissed off at me. Not a mean feat, but an annoying one.
See, without me around, they all had a lovely weekend. And now that I was home... well, the Porn King didn't have to say it, but it was clear that I had ruined all of that.
Never mind that I was not responsible for this difficulty. That I wasn't yelling. That it was my privacy that was violated and I was being lied to (apparently she was lingering in my bathroom with her smirking friend because she was getting a brush that she stuck down the back of her pants even though my brush was about eight inches long and two inches wide... a piece of cake to hide in a size 2's shorts).
It is all my fault that there was screaming right before dinner.
That was in your bathroom drawer...
Where she should never be.
Do you confront her? Or just suck it up as curiousity by the young'uns?
Frankly, I am not embarrassed to have sex toys... on the contrary, I celebrate having them. But she is 12. And her friends are close to the same age. And not all of their parents share my values. (i.e. they may be good Catholic prudes, or even aetheist prudes)
and most important...
IT IS A VIOLATION OF MY PRIVACY and I am at of the food chain in this house!
--Added Note--
Well, that was a tremendous waste of my time.
Sure, confront the girl and what will she do? Well besides lie through her teeth, she will create a fuss to get her father pissed off at me. Not a mean feat, but an annoying one.
See, without me around, they all had a lovely weekend. And now that I was home... well, the Porn King didn't have to say it, but it was clear that I had ruined all of that.
Never mind that I was not responsible for this difficulty. That I wasn't yelling. That it was my privacy that was violated and I was being lied to (apparently she was lingering in my bathroom with her smirking friend because she was getting a brush that she stuck down the back of her pants even though my brush was about eight inches long and two inches wide... a piece of cake to hide in a size 2's shorts).
It is all my fault that there was screaming right before dinner.
Let the Playing Begin!
Here are the wonderful toys that I got from Always Aroused Girl at the Personal Blogging Session at BlogHer07!
I can't wait to get started with them and be able to report back on how much I enjoy them....
I suppose in all fairness to the toys I should try them out alone first so that I am not distracted by a hands and lips that may excite me further (wow, doesn't that sound like there are a pack of men volunteering to help me break these babies in!)
I am particularly looking forward to feeling the cool smoothness of the NJoy Fun Wand. I am getting wet just thinking about where I should use it first.... or maybe in combination with the thick, pink dildo....
Ok... I may swoon...
Sorry to say that there will likely be no photos of me testing out my swag... I am talented but not talented enough to grow and extra set of arms to work the camera too... (Does that sound like I am a trolling for assistants? Sorry, baby...)
Thanks again to AAG! It was great to hear you speak and to chat with you afterwards.... even if I did sputter like an idiot!
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Wish I could do that!
There is a woman here at BlogHer that can orgasm while using a treadmill!
That would sure as hell encourage me to work out!
Anyone have any ideas on how that can be done?
That would sure as hell encourage me to work out!
Anyone have any ideas on how that can be done?
Friday, July 27, 2007
Wholly Cripe!
Wait until you see the cool swag I got for attending a sex blogger session!
I would show you all me using it, but I would be blushing wildly!
-- Added Note --
Goofy me failed to note that the fabulous goody bag came to me courtesy of AAG who I actually met! Ok, mostly I sputtered like an idiot, but you get the idea....
But definitely a huge THANKS! to AAG!
I would show you all me using it, but I would be blushing wildly!
-- Added Note --
Goofy me failed to note that the fabulous goody bag came to me courtesy of AAG who I actually met! Ok, mostly I sputtered like an idiot, but you get the idea....
But definitely a huge THANKS! to AAG!
So I missed HNT
But I made it to BlogHer!
I am here right now enjoying my first session on Digital Exhibitionists...
Which I think sums me up for these purposes...
We are discussing the questions of honesty
And that makes me wonder. Since I know that I am not being totally honest with you my readers... in part because I am protecting what I have in my life. Facing the ultimates truths in my life might make have to make changes.
I learned a couple of things:
a. There are more one legged cats out there
b. Art is in the selecting of what we say v. the whole truth
c. We have a responsibility to ourselves to keep ourselves safe and whole
How naked do we need to be?
Do people want to know more?
To know more of my secrets?
d. Our stories are important as a way document our lives and our era.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Yummy!
This has been an obsession this week.
Sex on the beach.
Ever since I saw this symbol appear on Asha's Facebook page... Yes that is a virtual cocktail sent to my preteen.
Oddly enough I had never had one before. And today, I received my opportunity.. at lunch of all places. While eating I played the trivia game that they have in the restaurant... it is called Buzz Time. (ironic, I know)In between rounds the screen stated that the house would award you a free drink if you could beat their "Champion's" high score.
Which I promptly did.
Naturally, I had to order the elusive sex on the beach.
It was delicious. But I don't know if it was the drink or the sweet taste of victory.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
HNT-68
I don't know why I have chosen this image this week....
It certainly doesn't emphasize my less than stellar housekeeping skills... But this is how I feel about my life lately.
I make an effort. In this case, Mickey Mouse pancakes... which I did free hand... not from some mold (I know... not exactly a trick... stilll) and this is how it is received.
I have been told that I am like a butterfly... just waiting to emerge... I think I need to stay in my chrysalis a bit longer on days like this...
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Sun burn, my ass!
Or why I should be allowed to sunbathe in the nude.
Like I am hurting anyone? Please.
But there I was up on my private porch taking a nap. Naked.
Oh ok the loser neighbors did come outside. But they can't see me. I am on the wrong side of the dinette roof. The only way anyone else can see me is if their vision is incredible. They are looking up and squinting to see the slats on the porch.
I am being careful. Staying low to the floor. Not attracting a lot of attention.. Not making any noise.
But out he comes. The Porn King. To inform me that I am getting sunburned. That my face is red. Ironically, my face is the part of my body that I cover! So I don't get it too sunburned. It is exposed to the sun more than the rest of my body.
I know when he is just embarrassed of me. and I am getting sick of it.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
HNT-67
Oops.. I missed last week... Something about the inlaws hanging over my shoulder at every opportunity...
This is our current obsession this week, and for the next entire week really.
No, not the criminally insane...
Those of you in the know will recognize this institution as the place that Harry Potter's relatives, The Dursley's tell the neighbors that Harry is sent to during the school year.
Of course, I wouldn't mind finding some criminally bad boys... if you know what I mean!
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Electricity
Running down my fingers
and out my toes
which when touched, made my body twitch uncontrollably
even into the night.
The rain and storms have passed
but my body is still tingling
shivering from the undischarged energy
Could I handle more?
I look forward to finding out
Saturday, July 07, 2007
The Fate of Women
Is it our fate to be judged, not on our accomplishments?Our thoughts, our deeds
Who we care for
How we show our love
The Power we wield
or
denigrated for what we lack
our errors, our faults, our flaws.
Of course, if you are reading this, you are scoffing and saying,
"No, we don't do that!"
"We are so much more advanced than that"
But you are wrong.
and here is the proof:
Mummy Reveals Egyptian Queen Was Fat, Balding and Bearded By Meredith F. Small
Hatshepsut was fat and bald,from the Times of India
Yup.
Here we are, nearly 3,500 years after her death and what are we discussing? Her buildings? policies? Why she systematically removed from the annals of history? No.She was fat and bald.
Not a great queen who ruled in her own right in a time when women were seen and not heard.
But a joke.
because fat is funny.
What hope is there for the rest of us when we are judged this way?
Alone
Nude - 4Diana Ong
With my family
I am alone.
I exist only as an image, an ideal
The real me
a disappointment
to be scoffed at and belittled.
Where are you?
Monday, July 02, 2007
When bad things happen to good phallus
I was saddened to read this article today, but more surprised to hear that the cause was not associated with global warming. But was glad to hear that the lingam for Parvati and Ganesha are intact.
Hindu Shrine's Icy Stalagmite Melts
- - - - - - - - - - - -
By AIJAZ HUSSAIN Associated Press Writer
July 02,2007 | SRINAGAR, India -- A naturally formed stalagmite in a Kashmiri mountain shrine has melted away, officials said Monday, blaming body heat from the hundreds of thousands of Hindu pilgrims who visit each year.
For over 200 years, Hindus have worshipped the stalagmite, called a lingam, as an incarnation of the Lord Shiva, the Hindu god of destruction and regeneration. Its size has fluctuated in previous years -- ranging from 5 to 12 feet tall -- but the it has never before disappeared entirely.
"One of the main reasons for its melting is the conduction of body heat of the huge crowds at the formation," said Shakeel Ahmed, who heads Geology and Geophysics Department at the University of Kashmir.
He also blamed the helicopters that deposit pilgrims near the mountain cave and generators powering light bulbs.
"There will be some disappointment for the pilgrims as the main lingam has completely melted," said Arun Kumar, a top official of the Amarnath Shrine Board, which manages the pilgrimage.
Officials say at least 400,000 devotees are expected to make the 10-mile trek from the nearest village to the Amarnath shrine, in a mountain cave 13,500 feet above sea level that is topped with a glacier. Pilgrims leave offerings of flowers, coins and paper money inside the cave.
Chanting hymns and ringing bells, the first group of nearly 12,000 pilgrims on Sunday began the journey amid tight security against Islamic militants. However on Monday, government has again suspended the pilgrimage because of heavy rains en route the cave shrine.
Muslim rebels who have been fighting for decades with India over Kashmir accuse Hindu-majority India of using the pilgrimage as a political statement to bolster its claim over the Himalayan region.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Fuck
yeah.
That is what I said.
I am fucking sick and tired of being understanding and kind when the people that I deal with on an everyday basis suck. What they suck I will leave to your's and their imagination.
Can someone make me feel better about the sink hold of reality that I find myself in?
Please?
I promise to make it worthwhile for you....
Or as much as a fat whore like myself can manage.
Testing the Lounge Chair...
On a lovely summer Sunday afternoon...
The sun was lovely on my pale flesh as was the breeze blowing over my nipples...
Now if I could just stop worrying about being caught naked on my porch, I could enjoy it more.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
Summer Idyll
The most perfect way to spend a summer day is naked.
Naked in bed, in the arms of your lover, enjoying the rising heat and soft breezes lull you to your own world. Nothing exists there but soft whispers, impassioned cries and the promise of peace.
I wish I could live like that everyday.
Don't you?
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
hnt-65
This is what I can show you of the great cicada invasion of 2007.This is my one and only cicada.
Oh, he is ugly.
and big
and on my freaking back door (did I mention that I hate bugs?)
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Summer breeze
]]This image makes me think of a breezy summer day, lying naked on a soft blanket and making love all afternoon long...
What does it say to you?
Thursday, June 14, 2007
HNT-64
Well, we are finally settling into a kind of domesticity here now that the big move is over...
Today I was off to the farmers market today... Can you tell what was in season?
Monday, June 11, 2007
I wasn't anticipating this conversation
The one when I have to ask my 12 year old daughter why there is a balled up condom in the living room.
Yeah... I was thinking that was a conversation for another day, another month... really another year.
But there I was having the conversation. Wow, that was a fun one too.
Me: Asha, can you explain why I found this condom on the living room floor?
Asha: Lizzie was forgot to through it out.
Me: Yes, but why was the condom there in the first place?
Asha: It was a joke.
Me: A joke on who?
Asha: A joke on Drina... We thought it would be funny to give it to her for a birthday present.
Me: Did it ever occur to you that this might be a bad idea?
Asha: Not really...Plus, it was Lizzie's idea.
Me: It never occurred to you to say, "Whoa, Lizzie... My mom sees that and she is going to shit a brick"
PK: Well we are glad that you aren't afraid to buy condoms... remember it is better to use one than not use one.
The next day, I was driving around Asha and her friend Frieda, who had also been at the house when the condom was being played with. I asked Frieda if her mother knew about the condom play. "No and it would be best if she didn't" was the reply I got.
Fair enough. But I told the girls, if the ever wanted to do anything with a condom other than use it as a balloon, I wanted them to promise me that they would talk to a grown up... presumably one that they could trust. And promise they did.
So that is where I am. Afraid that at some point in the near future that the condom will no longer be a joke but an actual need for my daughter. Hopefully, I have maintained the lines of communication well enough that when that time comes she will come to me for advice.
For now, I wait and worry
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
HNT-63
I mentioned that we experienced a death in the family, when really we experienced two...
That first picture was taken a couple of weeks ago as part of HNT.. Barney was fine...old, cranky but basically healthy.
The next one, we took the morning we put him down. You could see his shoulder blades and he couldn't walk... He went downhill so fast that it scares us a bit. The vet said that at the age of 18, there really wasn't anything that could be done. So we held our kitten as the vet pushed the drugs into his veins and we said our goodbyes.
It has been quite a ride the last couple of weeks.. I hope things even out soon. (although I am guessing that having my own bathroom and a cleaning lady will help!)
Hmm, more than I thought.
Yes, I have been absent for a while now.. moving was a pain. Follow that with a death in the family and the end of the school year, well I think you can guess how that has interferred.
In the meantime, I saw this over at http://isabellasnow.blogspot.com/s blog and thought I would try it out...
Turns out that I rated higher than I thought that I would...
In the meantime, I saw this over at http://isabellasnow.blogspot.com/s blog and thought I would try it out...
Turns out that I rated higher than I thought that I would...
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
HNT-62b
What a difference a day makes... I listed the last post last night, thinking that I would be as miserable as I was last night.
Tonight,
Well a somewhat different story.
Why?
Because of two simple words:
MY TUB.
Yes.
I got to use my new tub.
and it was bliss... pure, fucking bliss.
The down side?
Well when I drained the tub, that water drained straight into the powder room and then Asha and Thera's bedrooms...
Yes, I got screwed out of the deal.
I enjoyed. Then I suffered.
How Catholic is that?
FUCK!
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
HNT-62
Another week waiting to move back into the house.At this point I am beginning to lose hope and patience. I need change and am feeling trapped in this house. But more than that... this life and my role in it.
So I am trying different perspectives. Like this one. It isn't what I was going for, but it is interesting.
Masturbation Month!
In celebration of Masturbation Month, Early to Bed, the women owned sex-toy shop in Chicago is sponsoring a haiku contest...
Here are my modest attempts:
Breeze over my skin
Fingers nimble on my flesh
Fire explodes, sun still
Gently cushion me
While my skin beckons forth, my
Self, soul, soft covers
Beneath my hot touch
Exciting the flames of cold
Nipples desiring
Enjoying my self
Wet, quiet, wildly pulsing
Curves, Lushly Me
My tangy goodness
Spreading through my body, taste
And touch, all for me
Visit their blog and add your own entries!
Reclining Nude
David Riedel
1995
Here are my modest attempts:
Breeze over my skin
Fingers nimble on my flesh
Fire explodes, sun still
Gently cushion me
While my skin beckons forth, my
Self, soul, soft covers
Beneath my hot touch
Exciting the flames of cold
Nipples desiring
Enjoying my self
Wet, quiet, wildly pulsing
Curves, Lushly Me
My tangy goodness
Spreading through my body, taste
And touch, all for me
Visit their blog and add your own entries!
Reclining Nude
David Riedel
1995
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Sunday Searching
It has been a quiet week... Maybe because I have spent so much time at the house...I did take a little "me" time on Friday... and oh was it hot and wet... and so very satisfying...
In the meantime, these are the search terms used to get to me this week...
Wandering Hubby
Amateur preteens
Chillivanilla
Sunday Searching
HNT
HNT boobs
In the meantime, these are the search terms used to get to me this week...
Wandering Hubby
Amateur preteens
Chillivanilla
Sunday Searching
HNT
HNT boobs
Thursday, May 10, 2007
I wouldn't have guessed this...
| You Are a Lace Bra! |
 Dreamy, romantic, and ultra-feminine You're a womanly woman who makes guys feel like men Your perfect guy is strong, determined, and handsome With a softer side that only you can draw out |
HNT-61
Half Nekkid Cabinet...
Yes, at long last, our construction nightmare is virtually over. I have started moving back into the house. See? Cookbooks! Always a positive sign.
Now if I could just get the rest of the stuff moved in this weekend..
Damn this Mother's Day thing!
Monday, May 07, 2007
Swing, Baby!
I can't decide what I find funnier about this article, the idea that sex as recreation isn't just a twentieth century invention or the movie quotation. Either way I enjoyed the article and its link. After all, they reference my personal avatar.
Oh, and kisses if you can guess the movie quoted.
Oh, and kisses if you can guess the movie quoted.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
HNT-60
I saw this photo that I had overlooked before... And now I wonder why? The mystery of it consumes me. Even I can't remember what it is of... But I love the delicacy of the hair standing up off my skin.... I guess it must have been cool out!Like the photo, I am feeling outside my body and skin... Craziness here at the house, the pressure of the coming up move back to the house, the final details and of course just dealing with a husband and children, especially girls in puberty. Sigh.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Quote of the Day
Yeah, well, the world is full of fools.. and I might be biggest of them all.
Curvy Back
Julie Jordan Scott
juliejordanscott.typepad.com/.../04/index.html
April 1, 2006
Curvy Back
Julie Jordan Scott
juliejordanscott.typepad.com/.../
April 1, 2006
Monday, April 30, 2007
Oooops!
What do you do when you crush the fingers that you use to masturbate with?
I guess I will practice my ambidextrous skills.
I guess I will practice my ambidextrous skills.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Sunday Searching
Yes, it is another insight into the minds of people that are looking my sweet blog....
Less steel wool this week! Excellent!
- Jane's Guide
- Sunday Searching
- Forbidden Liaisons
- Curious Pussy
- Adult Blog Directory
- Chillivanilla
- Real Adult Sex
- My Pursuit of Happiness
- Voluptuous
- I masturbated wildly
- Haloscan
- Perfect Phallus
- Preteen boysex
- Osbasso
- Married in Ohio
- Wants and Needs
- Suburban Sexpot
- Jeanniegrrrl
Less steel wool this week! Excellent!
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
HNT-59
Yes, I am still writing bad poetry... As Thera is still working on a poetry project I have concentrated on cinquains.. as that was the poem form she had the most trouble with... God help me when she gets older and works herself up to Petrarchan sonnets...Fingers
In my soft hair
Sliding up and down. Your
Body as I mark you with flames
Of silk
More poetry
The scent
Lingering on
My body. Your musky
spice mingled with mine. Redolent
of heat
Sorry I can't find the info on this painting but I have narrowed it down to Caravaggio or Goya...
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
I have a word!
I was assigned a word today... and my word is:Voluptuous
vo·lup·tu·ous /[vuh-luhp-choo-uhs]
–adjective 1. full of, characterized by, or ministering to indulgence in luxury, pleasure, and sensuous enjoyment: a voluptuous life.
2. derived from gratification of the senses: voluptuous pleasure.
3. directed toward or concerned with sensuous enjoyment or sensual pleasure: voluptuous desires.
4. sensuously pleasing or delightful: voluptuous beauty.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me.
Shyly - Navel
Paul Kinney
The Beauty Curve
thebeautycurve.com
2005
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
