HNT-41

I have been very remiss in my HNT posts for the last couple of weeks... mostly because I have be hacking my lungs out for the last couple of weeks. I suspected that these would not be attractive shots and therefor avoided them...

Today, I decided to further my hair issue by offering a look at the locks as they are. The problem that I am having is that my hair looks beautiful in this shot (which btw was taken by my talented 10 year old... on another day, I will show some of her beautiful self portraits... they are taking my breath away and are completely age appropriate)

Anyway.. please tell me what to do with this freaking hair.. I have to chose something soon.

A New Me?

I have been feeling so yucky lately that I have decided it is time for a change... at least when it comes to my hair... after years of long hair that I have always loved, I now find that I am unable to get into the bathroom for longer than 3 minutes at a time in the morning... Clearly the long hair has become impractical... At the beginning I was goofing around with color too.. but I have decided on the chestnut auburn, so please feel to ignore the dark copper blonde...

Feel free to give me your opinion... I am going to take a couple of days to decide.

Oh, and I know that the base picture sucks. I mostly did it on purpose. I figured that if I could stand looking at the picture despite how sucky I look then it must be pretty good hair... so please refrain from telling me I look like a cow... I know. But I will be a cow with pretty new hair soon... so I guess that is an improvement, right?

When will it end!

I am so tired and sick... and tired of being sick. I will pull it together soon... I promise...

Assuming that anyone is even reading this...

Oy... I need to get better soon to at very least improve my bad attitude

Just a thought

I am sitting here watching late night tv, drinking jaegertee to calm my cough (truly for medicinal purposes... I am trying to stay off the sauce) and watching stupid commercials

"Do you find it hard to remember to take your birth control"
"Even those once a week patches?"

What?

Once a week birth control is too complicated? How will once a month make anything better? Because frankly, your problem seems to be that you are careless and forgetful. Changing the time frame is not your issue.

And if you can't remember even once a week to take your birth control are you really responsible enough to have sex?

I don't think so.

Just a thought

Sadness

I have been reading over the last couple of weeks a blog called Atomic Tumor. The last couple of weeks the entries have been about the illness of his wife. She fell ill around Halloween and went downhill very quickly. For a fortnight AT has poured out his heart about his love for his wife and his fear of having to live without her.

Unfortunately the worst has come to pass. His beloved wife, Barbara Jamie, was declared brain dead on Friday.

This made me unspeakably sad. Sad for him. Sad for their children.

But ultimately the love he was expressing for her made me jealous.

I doubt that I would be mourned so deeply. Maybe by my children. Although at this point they are past the age of loving me so deeply. I am mostly a thorn in their side that someday they would be mourn.

The PK? He would be taken up with the details. Pissed at me for leaving him with the part of life that he can't deal with... the domestic side. But miss me? Mourn me? I doubt it.

And that is unspeakably sad.

Well, that is interesting

Last week, I told PK that things sucked here on the home front. And that extended beyond the preteen bullshit that we have been dealing with. I told him that I needed some improvements. That I was tire of feeling alone in this marriage. That I was tired of watching him drink the way he has been and that I would have to find something for myself if things didn't change soon.

And off to work he went.

Well, I felt like an idiot. Find something for myself? Could I possible be more obtuse or euphemistic? Frankly, I probably could in all fairness. I do have a dramatic flair....What a dope. So later when he called from the office I clarified matters. Asked if knew what I was talking about... Yes, he did, according to him. I pointed out that I wouldn't be discussing this again and that I would not pre-warn him when I took a lover. Again, he stated that he understood.

And that was the last it has been discussed.

Today he took the preteen to the office with him. I was glad. I had dreaded spending the day with her. She was only going to complain about how cruel I was to her and of course, she would tell me what whore I was... since that seems to a constant refrain these days.

The tween, on the other hand had a volleyball clinic from 10:30 - 2.... so I had a lot of time to myself. What did I do with this time? Would you believe that I moved furniture around? Well, sadly it is true. By the time he got home I was exhausted. He was irritated with me. Because I was still in a bad mood. "What did you think I was going to do with my time," I asked. "I don't know... taken a bath or something" was the reply I got.

Or something?

Is that code for get laid?

HNT-40

See those wrinkles? They have been earned this week. Dealing with the preteen and her bullshit.

But I have taken control. Telling PK that if he wanted to argue with how I am dealing with the girl crisis, he could leave. He has chosen, for the time being anyway, to be supportive. In the meantime, anyway I am the object for all the preteen's anger and resentment. This week, I have been downgraded from whore to whorebag. Charming, eh?

I remember when being called a whore was an indication that I was getting laid and having some fun with my lover... Now it is just a bitter indictment.

As I wandered through the week considering each day how I was going to deal with the bullshit, I realized that I need to re-focus the girl inward, since to date it has been all about clothes, make-up and friends. I thought, why not find a bindi to put on her forehead, so that when she looked in the mirror she was reminded to look within herself. Then I realized that a bindi would be a pretty, decoration that would distract her. And that she wouldn't have the cultural awareness to understand the concept of the Hindu third eye that I was thinking about. (Yes, one of her complaints about me is that I know too much and that she can't be expected to know all the things that I do...Fuck it and suck it up is generally my response... at least give it a try, jeez)

But when I was looking a this picture I realized that maybe some of my introspection comes naturally. See on that second wrinkle? That is a dent in my forehead. My mother tells me that I got it when I was two. She was waiting for a cab, after grocery shopping. She was pregnant, tired, it was hot, the ice cream was melting and I was being fidgetty... she put me on her shoulders... and I immediately took advantage and stood up on her shoulders, and then fell, denting my forehead. The end result is that scar or dent as it is...

But in retrospect, perhaps that is MY third eye and I should rely upon it more at times like this.

Ahhhh, Sweet Relief

No children, no pets, no demands...

Just skin and tongues and hard penetration. Nibbling and sliding and candle light...

HNT-39

It's your fault you whore!

These are the words that I was assaulted with today.

What have I done to deserve this?

I used to work.. But I stopped because I was not able to deal with my responsibilities for the kids an those to my job given my husband's schedule. I did it for them.. And now I am called a whore.

And the worst is, I have the opportunities to fuck other men. I may be fat and old and ugly, but there are men that are still interested. I didn't fuck them today and I certainly don't charge for my services. I will give them away.... I would share. I am lonely and horny and begging to get a hundredth of what given to my family back in respect, love or companionship. Wouldn't that be better than being called a whore by a girl who fails two classes her first quarter of 6th grade and THEN fails two tests because she was caught cheating... and why the language? I removed her from the basketball team and cheerleading squad.

That will teach me.