My Bad

When I started this blog, it was my intention to explore my inner goddess...

I was thinking the goddess would be Aphrodite.

It turns out it my inner goddess is more like Kali.

Everything I touch is destroyed.


More and more I think that she should be bricked into some cave... so she causes no more trouble.

Screwed Over Again

Today was supposed to be my day to myself.

I wouldn't be able to go anywhere because they were taking the car... but I could have a quiet day, to putter... find some release from the tensions of my life... I am being literal there.. I am too stressed for metaphor.

But then. The Teen wouldn't go.

She didn't feel good.

She never feels good. She is always starving herself so she doesn't have to be fat like me. I pointed out that she would not be allowed to pester me, ask to go places, beg about her newly broken phone or otherwise for money. Also, she would not be able to use my or PKs computers because where she types? Viruses and trojan horses follow.

So what did I get?

She stayed home.

She begged for money to buy things.
She whined about her newly broken phone.
She bitched about not being able to use her father's computer.
She interrupted as I tried to write spec pieces for my new "car

Losing it

My FIL is here for the holidays. And it is stressful.. In fact extra stressful. Since PK is out of work and we are near a breaking point.

Having someone who insists that his schedule is the only one that counts is irritating.

He puts the news paper on the floor in front of the garbage can because that is what he does at home. It doesn't matter that I have a recycling bin.

He talks about the quantity and quality of the food that I make. He doesn't eat these things.

He wants the fruit out on the counter... I am tired of watching it go bad.

He brought his laptop that he can't manage to use and complains that nothing works the way it does at home.

He double checks every single thing that I do. If I tell him how to sort dry beans.... he has to look it up to verify it. VERIFY IT! or he is trying to assure me that I am correct. either way it isn't good.

It is driving me crazy.

I feel bad because he is a widower, but this crap has been going on for 20 years... so my patience is running thin.

Oh, and I haven't had sex with an actual person in about three months. sigh. and have no prospect. sigh again.

At least I get the day almost alone tomorrow. If you count the always irritated teenager who will bitch because she has broken yet another phone.... Another day of silent masturbation for me. Yeah. meh.

An Update

I know that I haven't been posting. I am trying to decide what I am going to do with my life.... but in the meantime, I have going to marriage counseling, trying not to panic about the PK being out of work and having intense and strange dreams.

Today after the same themes emerged three days in a row in my dreams I thought I would double check their meanings:

Being Chased: An indication of overall anxiety

Riding a Horse: Horse itself represents strength, power, virility and sexual prowess. Riding it indicates a position of power.

Being betrayed by a lover: Suspicion about a relationship or just plain feeling sorry for myself

Seeing the Dead Horse: Something that offered me strength is gone.

Being attacked: Feeling vulnerable.

Being injured by swords or knives: Being the victim of masculine control

Having sex: (A long lost dream?) Repressed sexuality...

So basically, things are still crazy here...

But I hope you have a Merry Christmas.