Feeling sorry for myself

I think that I have made sacrifices for my family. For my marriage. For my children.

I am getting to the point that I am frustrated that these choices have not been recognized as difficult or that they even happened.

So, here I am. Sitting with PK this weekend, with the girls at camp. He wants to play around... ok. That sounds like fun. But as I lay there I realize that he has no idea what pleases me in bed. He uses the same approach every time. 45 seconds of foreplay downstairs to get me to go up to bed. 90 seconds of kissing... and then one dry finger to my clit that he then rubs too hard. No matter how often I have said, make it wet. Make it wetter. Make it sloppy wet. He never remembers.

My body betrays me off course, I am so starved for any touch that I cum... and hard. So I guess I don't need anything more. Don't deserve the extra attention. But it makes me think of other times... other men... They didn't all care about me, per say. But it was worth it to them to try to please me. So I would try in return. A mutual exchange of the joy of being alive. Because we don't all have that.

Of course, I know how he likes it.

He wants to see my feet. And if they are dirty all the better. He wants me between his legs, kissing, licking and sucking him. Using my hands, mouth and tongue to please him and I do. Just the way he likes it. Even if the position is awkward. Because it makes him happy. 19 years of marriage and he doesn't even try to remember what I like.

And that is our relationship at this point.

We do things that he prefers as he prefers them. If we talk about exercise... well I can use his very expensive treadmill. I don't need anyone to help me move the shelves that keep me from getting my bike down. I can't even get it down without help. I don't need to swim in the sunshine. I can go to the YMCA with its second class ladies locker room. I don't need a kayak so I can explore the river to distract me while I am exercising.

I can do things his way.

We watch movies that he wants. Tv shows that he wants. When he wants them. If I mention that I want to see something... well I can. alone. I am his companion when he wants it. And if I want something else? I should just go take care of it myself. Alone. Always alone. Because I made vows to forsake all others. And he hasn't broken his vow as he knows that I have. And of course, that makes him morally superior to me.

So here we are this afternoon. He wants to go out again for margaritas. We just went on Thursday. I don't want to go again. and said so. I am getting the pout. It is part of my job to give him what he wants.

He can't even be bothered to save the information about the therapist we were referred to. He isn't interested in saving the marriage. It is just exactly the way he wants it. except that I won't go for margaritas this afternoon. Can I put the information in my desk. So the next time someone goes scavaging through the desk looking for something that doesn't belong to them they can toss it back onto the dining room table and become MY clutter.

Not ours.

My problem.

Fluttering around like a charred ash...a reminder of the destruction that continues.

HNT-98

Well, it has been quite a week.

I have worked this week as photographer, referree, teacher, cook, chauffeur and the skullery help.

For my efforts I have been labelled mean, partial and vicious. That was from the kids and totally expected. What I didn't expect to be labelled disgusting, a whore and reckless.

Luckily, I have good friends here on the internet who have halped me feel better. Even PK came around, although his first assumption is that I should cease and desist anything that brings negative reactions from anyone at anytime.

An impossibility when you consider that I am a mother of a teenager. So, I endure. It is all that I can do.

With all that has been going on, I have not gotten to taking any new photos of a HNT variety so I am selecting something that I took this week. I think it represents my mood and it is pretty.

Can you buy a burka in Chicago?

Burka Woman
Susan Williams
Available at PicassoMio

I woke up the other morning to find that my sitemeter was spinning with all the hits that were coming to my site. This was kinda of bizarre as I have generally perceived myself as the writer of the least popular blog on the web. So naturally, I had to check out what was causing all the excitement.

It turns out someone had picked up my blog. And I was getting the excess traffic as a result.

The traffic was coming from two separate sources.

One was from something called the Beauty Bash Forum or the Original Beauty Bash Forum. I don’t understand what the heck is going on there but the first page is full of complaints and explanations and frankly, I don’t really care what the deal is.

As the name would suggest, I was posted on the site to be bashed. And I was. I am hideously fat and should know better than to think that I should be allowed the same rights as everyone else. Simply by virtue of my appearance.

My blog got posted there by someone who claims to have been reading me here for a while. Someone so horrified by my fatness, ugliness and stupidity that they kept coming back. Oh and researched me enough to link this blog to my family blog. Which means that they had to really search because they weren’t linked. At. All. Until I noticed that the beauty minions were visiting my other site and looking at my children.

And that is where I get angry. Because this git has posted pictures of my children claiming that I play fast and loose with their identities. Even though I use pseudonyms on both blogs. It seems to me that the only one being reckless with my children was this person. Who naturally remains anonymous. As do all the people who commented about me.

The next set of links came from some group called mywomancave on yuku.com. I went to Yuku to explore the group. Naturally it is a closed group that you must be approved to join. Surprisingly enough, my membership has yet to be approved.

So. I guess I am left with the conclusion that someone out there dislikes me. And the person is probably someone that I know.

Frankly, these anonymous stealth attacks are cowardly and I am disgusted that anyone would go to such an effort to hurt me.

So, Thanks!

I guess I will be buying my burka to protect you from having to see my hideousness. Or you could stop visiting my blog. And leave my kids the fuck alone.

HNT-97

Summer Vacation has begun.

but it is still wet, grey and chilly. or as today brings us humid.

So I offer you another selection from my flower series