This seems to sum up my relationships

Ode to My Woman
Steve Martin

Saturday Night Live
May 20, 1989


Ode to My Woman

When a man meets the woman he loves, everything changes. His heart races, his head spins, and suddenly all the dozens and dozens of women he's sleeping with no longer matter. A few years ago, I found the woman I love, and I've put some of my feelings into this little ode.

Every man needs a woman, and I need you --
to lift me when I am sad,
to comfort me when I am down,
to clean me when I am drunk,
to walk beside me when I want to look like I'm not gay,
to walk in front of me when I need someone to act as a human windbreak,
to kiss me when I am horny,
to massage me when I am tense and/or horny,
to make me horny when I am not horny, and then to watch me fall asleep.

I need you darling to clean between my toes when they are not cleaned to my satisfaction,
to pick the nits out of my hair when I have head lice,
to try milk for me when I am not sure of the expiration date,
to be there when I need you to be there, and to be out of town the rest of the time.

My darling, although it may seem sentimental, I want to take this moment to tell you I love you -- because I don't want to lose half my stuff. And even though you are far away across the ocean, I always have this [pointing to ring finger where there is no wedding ring] to remind me --[realizes the ring is not there] sorry [and hides hand].

Goodnight, my love.