This seems to sum up my relationships

Ode to My Woman
Steve Martin

Saturday Night Live
May 20, 1989


Ode to My Woman

When a man meets the woman he loves, everything changes. His heart races, his head spins, and suddenly all the dozens and dozens of women he's sleeping with no longer matter. A few years ago, I found the woman I love, and I've put some of my feelings into this little ode.

Every man needs a woman, and I need you --
to lift me when I am sad,
to comfort me when I am down,
to clean me when I am drunk,
to walk beside me when I want to look like I'm not gay,
to walk in front of me when I need someone to act as a human windbreak,
to kiss me when I am horny,
to massage me when I am tense and/or horny,
to make me horny when I am not horny, and then to watch me fall asleep.

I need you darling to clean between my toes when they are not cleaned to my satisfaction,
to pick the nits out of my hair when I have head lice,
to try milk for me when I am not sure of the expiration date,
to be there when I need you to be there, and to be out of town the rest of the time.

My darling, although it may seem sentimental, I want to take this moment to tell you I love you -- because I don't want to lose half my stuff. And even though you are far away across the ocean, I always have this [pointing to ring finger where there is no wedding ring] to remind me --[realizes the ring is not there] sorry [and hides hand].

Goodnight, my love.

Joining

Is it wrong to want to be kissed and touched?

To have a man sidle up behind me, put his hands on my hips and gently kiss the back of my neck and behind my ear? To have him work his kisses down my neck as he slides his hands up my body to cup my breasts in his hands. Enjoying the feeling of my fleshy mounds spill over between his strong fingers.

Is it wrong to enjoy surrendering my body to him. Encouraging his erection through the soft twill of his slacks. Listening to him groan softly. Knowing he wants me as much as I want him. Smelling the clean scent of his body, knowing that he has been thinking of touching me since he woke up this morning, showering alone, his hard erection anticipating my soft body and my desire.

He is not my man. I have no right to dream of him. To want to taste his mouth or enjoy him sucking on my tongue and full lips. Yet I do want him. In fact, I need him. I need this. Our quiet exchange of need and desire.

I need him suckling on my hard nipples. I love the feeling him spreading my legs and opening my body to his mouth. Gently exploring my wet folds of flesh. Hearing him savoring the taste of my sweetness and his tongue meanders at my core until he feels my body jump at the electric impulse created when his tongue finally, gently, swirls around my clitoris. Whimpering as he applies himself to my pleasure.

He loves making my body writhes beneath him knowing it will be just a few moments more until I beg him for more.

I can't stand the sweetness anymore. I need something hard and fast. But he knows this. He knew that he was making me this hot. Just like he knew that I would beg. For his wet kiss. For his hard cock.

And he gives me both. Tasting myself on his lips and feeling him glide deeply into me. Joining our bodies until we are connected.

I am not his woman. He doesn't have the right to dream of me, to imagine the tangy taste of my desire. To ache for my mouth on his hot body. But we can't stop. Our mutual needs connect us.

My need to bring him pleasure and peace urges me on. He is mine right now.

Pulling him to me. Surging upward to meet his downward thrust. His desire is a strong as mine and my desire to please him matches his for me. Hard, fast, slick, hot. We twist and grasp each other until we our eyes lock together as we reach the critical peak.

His lips cover mine as I scream. The kiss, a promise neither of us can keep. But for now, as he smiles into my eyes and fills me wetly and deeply, we can enjoy the pleasures that can only be found in the body of another.

Why is it that fall makes me horny?

Is it because after weeks of having any sexual impulse sucked out of me by an extended trip to the inlaws I feel free again.

or

Could it be after weeks of having any sexual impulse sucked out of me by my darling children they are finally and oh so divinely back in school.

Either way I believe not having any sexual impulse sucked out of me is the key!

The question is what do I do with these impulses? Act on them, begging the porn king for attention or looking else where?

sen

Honestly

Like an idiot I am checking out the kids blogs while he is looking at porn... well I guess that is why I call him the porn king...

But truly... I have been here 3 weeks, he has actually been in town the entire time. So I am thinking his travel schedule has nothing to do with our lack of a sex life... Oh fine to be technical there has been some sex. but it was largely mutual masturbation and one occurrence of actual fully realized intercourse. That is assuming you don't mind forgoing both kissing and need more than 3 minutes of foreplay. And sadly, I have learned to do without both.

Oh and assuming ANYONE out there is keeping track. (and I am pretty sure that you aren't) I have finished reading:

Sarah Vowell's The Partly Cloudy Patriot

Wow! I am really loving her work! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. I think that she is living somewhere in the back of my head except that I, live her twin can bake, procreate and drive. Read it!

and

Allison DuBois', Don't Kiss Them Goodbye

As a person who loves the t.v. show Medium, I was naturally drawn to this book. It is wild to find how real the t.v. story and how amazing it is to consider all the gifts that people around us possess.

or course, I am not allowed too feel to good so I am currently working on:

Michael Christopher Carroll's Lab 257: The Disturbing Story of the Government's Secret Germ Laboratory

Fuck!

This place is just 30 or so miles from where I am now... its amazing the crap they are allowed to play with (largely unsupervised) and few controls they had on there work in the 70's and 80's.

More Books...F@*$

Another horny week reading, reading, reading....

The only thing going to interrupt my long week was a lovely evening out... over-eating and over-drinking... resulting in me being sick... well at least it decreased my horniness for 24 hours anyway.

In the meantime, I finished (more or less) the following...

Cunt by Inga Mascio... Ok... I actually didn't finish this... after a while I just got sick of all of the cuntlovin' sister groove. Can you tell I didn't take a woman studies class in college. Hell, I am not sure they even offered one... but I am sure this would be the perfect reading material.

Also The Book of the Seven Delights by Betina Krahn. I don't know why... but my romance novels have been distinctly unsatisfying lately... and this was no exception. It must be something about the conservatives having too much power but suddenly there is virtually no good sex scenes written into these books... I vaguely remember reading something by this woman before... and I had a favorable remembrance of it... This thing has erased that now! The heroine is a librarian at the British Museum, a place I love. They hate her because her father (who she seems to despise) forced them to hire her (that's gratitude for you! I wonder if the bitch is somehow related to me?) So she takes her small inheritance and goes to Morocco where trouble ensues. Fun?! Wow!! (do I hear a Sousa march?... sorry you would have to have grown up near Buffalo to get that one) On top of things the hero's name is Apollo.... Apollo Smith. SMITH?! Oh and to make it worse, that is short for Apollodorus. I mean really... what kind of crap is that. And all the Dewey Decimal system references. Puh-leeze.

Also working on...

Don't Know Much About History, by Kenneth C. Davis... liking it... but it is episodic... and has no plot... so I keep picking it up and putting it down. But very fun in a geeky sort of way.

None of these books is a substitution for what I really want though. Which is a hot cock teasing me before plunging deep into my wet pussy. I want FOREPLAY too! Kissing! I havent gotten a really passionate kiss in weeks. A smooch here, a smooch there... my nipples sucked on for 2 minutes and then, "Oh, can I have a blow job?" Any takers? Please?

In Lieu of Sex... Books

For those of you who know me... there is a reason I take a crate of books with me when I head east each August... My hubby (aka The Porn King) becomes a 12 year old boy when staying with his parents... That means virtually no fun for me. So here is what I have been reading.

Vanilla: The Cultural History of the World's Favorite Flavor and Fragrance, by Patricia Rain

Yes, yes... I have picked this book up and put it down several times now. That is because the woman who wrote it is kind of crazy (she is the self-appointed Vanilla Queen) and frankly, I keep finding editing mistakes... Please check p. 170 if you doubt me... While it is a lovely picture of a Tahitian vanilla orchid, I can not notice the difference between the this orchid and the Vanilla planifolia.. I am sure the flower is more open in the Tahitian orchid and the color is creamier... But the picture is in BLACK AND WHITE and there is no picture of the planifolia for comparison... So I guess I will just have to take your word for it! I find at least one of these kinds of errors a chapter. As a result, I keep putting the darn thing down. I have about 50 pages left... So I am determined to finish.

The Devil's Necklace, by Kat Martin

Nothing better than reading about other people having sex even when you aren't? Right? Well not exactly... This is not Ms. Martin's best work, the sex seemed a bit stale and I didn't like the hero. And if I had to hear about how brave the heroine was one more time, I thought I might scream. Maybe horniness sucks my ability to enjoy a good bodice ripper... Especially since everything I try to masturbate someone trys to come to my room or the Porn King wakes up and acts all hurt. Not that he makes a move to relieve my suffering. BLECH.

A couple of days previously I finished...

Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell

I REALLY liked this book and kept reading aloud passage to anyone that would listen. Go buy it and read it. I like anyone that will dragging you on a trip to a cemetery and describe the tomb as looking like a gray stone nipple on the peak of a green breast of grass... Or something to that effect. Sorry... Don't have the book on me to give an exact quote... Update...The exact quote was, "It's a gray granite nipple on a fresh green breast of grass." Darn! I was close!

next up... Since aphrodisiacs, housewifely smut and death have not calmed me, I will be reading...

Cunt: A Declaration of Independence by Inga Muscio

Let's see if that will take some of the wind out of my sails, so to speak... I will let you know how it goes.

In the meantime.. Someone HELP!

Fun, Fun, Fun

Hot sun, cool water, tasty sushi and FINALLY some sex on this vacation... Not wild, passionate love making or even crazed fucking... more of a clinical mutual masturbation followed by more swimming in the pool... Beggers can't be choosers, I guess. At least I will be tanned and toned at the end of this trip.

Keys to my heart?!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Hmmmm that sounds partly accurate. And I ain't telling which parts!

Is there something in the water?

I had the strangest dream last night.....

I dreamt that I was taking a test for tae kwon do for which I was ill-prepared (DUH! I don't take it so I would have to be screwed for a test). My friends (the tae kwon do Moms... we watch our kids take these classes) were all prepared. To complicate matters, Bill Clinton was in the audience watching with some little boy... Why? Who the hell really knows... but since he was there, I decided that I wanted to sample the wares.

So I was trying to learn tae kwon do and hit on a former POTUS at the same time. If anyone can explain that... please tell me what it means!