Resolutions

2005 is over. At lunch today, I was at lunch today and was asked if I had any resolutions.

Typically, I ignore the resolution thing... Yes, I would like to lose weight and exercise more... but I know that I will not keep it up properly....

But what do I want?

I don't know anymore.

I used to be such a prude. Not sexually, I have always explored with the porn king. Until the kids were born our sex life was active. He occasionally had his fits of sullenness... which gave us temporary breaks but still generally, everything was good.

Since the kids, well things are different. I admit, there was a period when I was nursing the kids that I just didn't have my normal impulses... the hormones will do that to you.. But I knew it was important to him and I kept at it... discovered lube as a way to keep things flowing even though my body was not cooperating. I even learned a new tricks to distract him. But all, in all, I was raising simultaneous infants (my kids are 18 months apart), while he was travelling for work.... Oh, and did I mention that I was in graduate school too? No, I am sure I forgot that. It didn't occurr to me to look outside my marriage for sex or anything else...

Then at one point about 6 years ago, the porn king's best friend came into town as he did periodically and we all went out to play. In the afternoon as we were sitting at a bar, he mentioned that he had a feeling that we were going to get into big trouble that night... Maybe even all end up in bed together. This was unusual. We never discussed these kinds of things. I laughed and discouraged him him, pointing out that my body was a nightmare. Two C-sections, a gallbladder removal and hernia repair (all related to child bearing) had taken their toll... that I had Frankenstein's abdomen. I forgot all about it... until we were in the cab dropping him off at his hotel. When we got there he leaned over me (as the short one, I sat in the middle) and gave the porn king a hand shake and many shoulder shake (it would be easier if men could just hug). I expected the same. But instead, I got soft lips exploring mine. A tongue sliding past my teeth and joining with mine. I was shocked, stunned. This was my husband's best friend and he was kissing me and I was kissing him back and my husband was sitting right next to me. I was torn. Should I reach over and rub his cock through his slacks? But as I was trying to decide he ended the kiss and left the cab. We headed home.

Since that time, I have never been so nonchalant about sex and fidelity again. I also learned some things. For one, I am not immune to that rush of excitement that comes with a first kiss. That despite my understanding otherwise, I am still considered attractive to men... All of them? No, but then no woman is desired by all... The last thing that I learned was something that has been worst of all. My husband pays no attention to me in the slightest. To this day, he is unaware of that kiss. Even though he was right there during it. As a result, I sometimes have wondered if I am invisible.

As time has pressed on and things have deteriorated between us, the memory of his lack of attention has grated on me the most. Being ignored by someone who is supposed to love you makes you feel dead. And I have felt that way. I have moments when I have been able to feel alive again but then that sense of invisibility returns. And I am so tired of it.

So my resolution for 2006 is to feel alive again.