frustration

Not sure what to say.

I had one of those "come to Jesus" talks with the porn king where I explained that I have been lonely and at my living end. He allegedly understands. But is really busy at the moment. I think I have explained quite explicitly that life is full of of moments. To me, this means that he continues to ignore me. He thinks that as soon as his "deal" goes through everything will go right back to normal again. I have been waiting 4 years. I am not holding my breath at this point.

The fact is, that we get along quite swimmingly about non personal issues. Maybe the best you can hope for from a spouse is a friend. It is the question of fidelity that makes the situation murky.

What is better?

Loyalty (which I believe is different than fidelity) or
Fidelity..

Frankly I would prefer Loyalty. Fidelity from him, I have. It gets me no where. Loyalty, I don't have. Anytime I have ever had a disagreement with family, friends, YMCA employees, or random strangers he has been quick to take that person's side. The worst situations have been with my in-laws. They pretty much have carte blanche to say anything that they want to me. After all, if I object there is no one to support me.

I have been called a bad mother for working, for breastfeeding, for moving their bedrooms... you name it. It has been done. When I complain, bitch or argue back, I get this wall of crap from the porn king. I must have misunderstood; English isn't his father's first language (but he HAS been speaking it since 1951); I am too sensitive, etc., etc.

I have had to deal with virtually every kiddie situation alone. I brought the first girl home from the hospital alone. And no, I will NEVER LET THAT GO. She was premature and I was recovering from surgery myself. I needed him and he wasn't there.

I want to be important to him and cherished. I want to needed and desired. I am not. Do I give up waiting for him to realize this marriage is busted and care enought to want to do something about it.