Something is going to hit the fan

Maybe I just that a second sense when bad things are going to happen, or maybe it was inevitable.

My MIL is sick.

Really sick. Like they found lung cancer and are still looking at her liver sick and getting her a new mammogram. I did some research. Which is the way I deal with anticipated trouble. I don't like to be taken by surprise any more than I have to.... but it turns out that lung cancer can be secondary to liver cancer... and they are sure that there is something wrong with her liver given the blood work that they have drawn already. Which means advanced cancer...

Before I did this checking, PK was sitting at the breakfast bar and telling me about what he had learned about the test results that day... "A lot of this is going to fall on me," he told me, "Because you know what emotional cripples my folks are... and they are already scared".

And that scares the living shit out of me.... because if he is the emotional tower of strength in that family... this is going to be really, REALLY bad. He has closed me out of his emotional life and stopped communicating with me when he started the business... what the HELL is going to happen when having to deal with his mother dying.

I have offered to help in anyway that I can... I am not going to say anything about what I found out, because really, we won't know for sure until the tests of complete... Maybe it is just lung cancer and cirrhosis or fatty liver syndrome (because that is the best option here) but one way or another this could very well be the final slowly hammered in nail on the coffin of this marriage... I can't be closed out further.

But I am glad that before the shit hit the fan, my girls at least a short period of peace.

Afraid

I started this blog discussing how I was invisible.

Two years later... I am torn.

I am stuck between having the chance to be visible... living a life where I was seen and needed... and remaining invisible.

And I chose invisibility.

I am an idiot, this much is sure. But it is also due to what invisibility brings me....

My girls.

Who despite all, love me and need me. Do they need me invisible to help them achieve their maturity? I don't know... but it seems to be helping them.

can I live in this background? I don't know.. but I have to for now...

It is not a complete retreat... but I have realized that I can't make that big reach for happiness that I wanted. It is too early. I thought that I could and all that I have done is hurt others in the process.

And so I am retreating...

For now...

But I am sorry. I never wanted to hurt you... and I will miss you... forever.

Well, I like to think so....

Still not ready to talk at this point, but ready to publish silly self-aggrandizing memes...

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This made me feel better then I have in weeks....

Feeling sorry for myself...

That is where I have been....I will be back here after licking my wounds for a while...