Monogamy/Fidelity/Faithfulness/Loyalty

Recently I was reading one of my favorite blogs,Figleaf's Real Adult Sex as he was discussing monogamy. In the course of the discussion he included the quote,

Recently on my blog I reported the best definition of cheating I'd ever heard: Cheating is when you change the rules without telling the other player(s.)

and this got me to thinking (a dangerous thing when I have had a cocktail or two ((Laissez les bontemps rollez!))).

Is changing the rules in the middle of the game an exclusive symptom of adultery or just a relationship in peril? I certainly think it is the latter. And unfortunately, I come to this conclusion through personal experience.

At my house, you see, the rules have been changed on me. This is not to say that the PK is an adulterer. He isn't. In fact, he takes great satisfaction in his virtue. And as I have mentioned in a previous post, he believes that this virtue can be equated in its totality to loyalty. But as fidelity is the act of being faithful and faithful is according to Webster's Online Dictionary:

1. Steadfast in affection or allegiance; "years of faithful service"; "faithful employees"; "we do not doubt that England has a faithful patriot in the Lord Chancellor".

2. Marked by fidelity to an original; "a close translation"; "a faithful copy of the portrait"; "a faithful rendering of the observed facts". (Clearly not applicable)

3. Not having sexual relations with anyone except your husband or wife, or your boyfriend or girlfriend; "he remained faithful to his wife".

But change the rules on my he has done....

Our original plan was to work together to build a life and a family together based on the romantic vision of "us against the world" and mutual caring and respect. After a couple of career disappointments on his part, he took a position that required a ton of travel. An investment in his career of a couple of years that was supposed to help us achieve our goals. I agreed. After a couple of years at the high pressure gig, we reassessed. He wanted to stay in the position long enough to be promoted. Something that up until that time had not happened. Again, I agreed.

As the time went on and we had our girls, the stress of his career fell disproportionally to me. I was, in essence, the single mother of two children under the age of 3 when I brought up the issue again. Now however, it became an issue of his enjoyment. He liked this kind of work, the respect, the company -- so now I was just stuck.

With the coming of the kids, tensions certainly increased and outside family interference didn't help. Everytime family complained about how I dealt with the kids, the house, etc., he left me to deal with it alone. And when I stood up for myself in these instances and there were arguments, he NEVER failed to take the side of the rest of the family against me. And if that sounds like an exaggeration. I assure you it isn't. I was once yelled at by my own mother as I lay in a hospital bed after a hernia repair -- a hernia I got by having C-sections and worked too hard to soon following them. As she screamed at me, he sat there doing paperwork. Not a word was uttered in my defense. Can you imagine how supportive he is when his own parents complain to me? Loyalty? I think not.

Over the years, I believed him when he told me that each of these were situations were unusual. Statistical outliers, if you will. Things would eventually would be better. He would become more intuned with how I was feeling and why I was hurt, tired and stressed. I explained my feelings to him so he would understand why I reacted the way I did. I did what they tell you to do in a relationship.

Adjust. Communicate.

When he wanted to start his own business, I was supportive. He talked about how this would give us the ability to be closer. His schedule would be less rigid. I was excited. But again, the reality was different than the sales pitch.

Now I had less money and more responsibilities dealing with the, now, older children. But I also got to deal with his additional stress levels that cut his libido no matter how begged and cajoled. I got excuses like he didn't find me attractive since I bit my fingernails (a habit that comes in goes over the years....) or because I pestered him for attention. The humiliation was intense. Worse was the when I would be talking to him and he would pick up his phone and call someone when I was mid-sentence. Invisibility.

A model of fidelity... but loyalty and true faithfulness? No.

Along the way, I have given up thinking that there will be improvement. That the situations that we have found ourselves in were unique and therefor should be looked at separately. Life is the accumulation of circumstances and can be read as a whole. In the whole of our lives, he has generally chosen to turn from me. A marriage in peril.

Over the last couple of years, as things have gotten worse and I have tried to address the problems we are having, I have been shot down. He doesn't want to discuss it. I have told him that I am quickly reaching a point where I can't take any more of this. That I will go looking for comfort elsewhere. He understands what I am saying. But I think that he doesn't believe me. Is there something else that I can do to make this clearer? I don't think so.

Am I cheating?

Have I changed the rules without telling him?

Am I required to tell him when I am seeing a lover?

I don't know. I would say that my behavior isn't fair. But what is?