Resolutions

2005 is over. At lunch today, I was at lunch today and was asked if I had any resolutions.

Typically, I ignore the resolution thing... Yes, I would like to lose weight and exercise more... but I know that I will not keep it up properly....

But what do I want?

I don't know anymore.

I used to be such a prude. Not sexually, I have always explored with the porn king. Until the kids were born our sex life was active. He occasionally had his fits of sullenness... which gave us temporary breaks but still generally, everything was good.

Since the kids, well things are different. I admit, there was a period when I was nursing the kids that I just didn't have my normal impulses... the hormones will do that to you.. But I knew it was important to him and I kept at it... discovered lube as a way to keep things flowing even though my body was not cooperating. I even learned a new tricks to distract him. But all, in all, I was raising simultaneous infants (my kids are 18 months apart), while he was travelling for work.... Oh, and did I mention that I was in graduate school too? No, I am sure I forgot that. It didn't occurr to me to look outside my marriage for sex or anything else...

Then at one point about 6 years ago, the porn king's best friend came into town as he did periodically and we all went out to play. In the afternoon as we were sitting at a bar, he mentioned that he had a feeling that we were going to get into big trouble that night... Maybe even all end up in bed together. This was unusual. We never discussed these kinds of things. I laughed and discouraged him him, pointing out that my body was a nightmare. Two C-sections, a gallbladder removal and hernia repair (all related to child bearing) had taken their toll... that I had Frankenstein's abdomen. I forgot all about it... until we were in the cab dropping him off at his hotel. When we got there he leaned over me (as the short one, I sat in the middle) and gave the porn king a hand shake and many shoulder shake (it would be easier if men could just hug). I expected the same. But instead, I got soft lips exploring mine. A tongue sliding past my teeth and joining with mine. I was shocked, stunned. This was my husband's best friend and he was kissing me and I was kissing him back and my husband was sitting right next to me. I was torn. Should I reach over and rub his cock through his slacks? But as I was trying to decide he ended the kiss and left the cab. We headed home.

Since that time, I have never been so nonchalant about sex and fidelity again. I also learned some things. For one, I am not immune to that rush of excitement that comes with a first kiss. That despite my understanding otherwise, I am still considered attractive to men... All of them? No, but then no woman is desired by all... The last thing that I learned was something that has been worst of all. My husband pays no attention to me in the slightest. To this day, he is unaware of that kiss. Even though he was right there during it. As a result, I sometimes have wondered if I am invisible.

As time has pressed on and things have deteriorated between us, the memory of his lack of attention has grated on me the most. Being ignored by someone who is supposed to love you makes you feel dead. And I have felt that way. I have moments when I have been able to feel alive again but then that sense of invisibility returns. And I am so tired of it.

So my resolution for 2006 is to feel alive again.

I get sluttier all the time....

Your Kissing Purity Score: 14% Pure

For you, it's all kiss and no talk. You're in a permanent lip lock.

Kissing Purity Test

How does this happen when I haven't been touched in so long?

Merry Christmas belatedly

The in-laws have left. WHEE! Now I can put my house back together the way I like it, instead of having everything put away where it "belongs".

I didn't get anything remotely sexy for Christmas... A cocktail shaker and tool set, some wicked looking cheese knives and an electric fondue pot (the porn king fears my use of fire around the house.... Geez, you scorch on cookbook and then get labeled as a pyro).

Surprisingly, there were no fights or even arguments. The grandmothers danced the evening away after dinner. The big downside was that I fell asleep at the table.

Ooops too much work.

Will someone please touch me?

I have these to offer.... I love to touch skin. I love to lick and explore. Unfortunately, I am stuck here in the house, with my kids who are mainlining candy and bouncing off the walls, the porn king who is trying to control everyone and everything, and my in-laws who are quietly re-arranging my house and drinking my liquor. Merry Freaking Christmas!

I came across this picture in my collection and was amazed that I managed to find a title picture that actually looks like me. Wouldn't you agree?

Holiday Party

Yeah, we went to the porn kings holiday party. Like all events with my delightful husband, it started wonderfully. Nice restaurant. Nice people. Good Food.... ooops too many drinks. Yup that is the element that fucks it up every time.

We started the day well enough. He took me shopping for an outfit for the party. Of course, I can't pick out what I want. He has an idea about a certain look. And apparently it is for me to look like Cathy Bates. Now don't get me wrong. She is a lovely woman and a fine actress, but I have actually seen her in person and I am a zippier dresser than she. Plus she is older than I am. So we negotiated our way through and everything was fine.

When I got hope I mixed the new slacks with an old black lace top and the effect was stunning. And then dinner was delightful. I met a lot of nice people, including a woman who looks very much like me. Very odd. We were both surprised.

Then came the kicker of the evening. I should point out that my babysitter needed to get back home as she had school in the morning. So I left the porn king at the party and headed back. It was about 1am. At about 4 there was a knock on the door. Apparently my twit husband forgot that he had both a key and a cell phone and when his jiggling of the door did not bring me lay down and slept in the hall. He was returned to me by security. Charming.

As if this wasn't enough, I then got a diatribe from the git about how lousy I am. That he had been trying to reach me for 5 hours -- not possibly given the time frame. oh and I checked my phone -- no call, so I guess he didn't try too hard to reach me. Oh, and I got to hear what an ungrateful slut I am too. He does sooo much for me and I give nothing back.

That is about the end for me. I am staying here, because of the kids, but I have reached my limit of understanding. For 20 years I have given loyalty, respect, love and help. I helped him achieve his career goals and financial dream and still all he can talk about is how I have not done enough for him. How he can sit in judgement of me when he has spent the last 5 years ignoring and neglecting me and our marriage. Now he gets none of it. I am done.

Bad, bad

What a bad, bad, slut I have been....

It has been two weeks since I posted. I was reminded of this from an email from the folks at Poetic License.

What to do to atone?

How about celebrating Half Naked Thursday?

Although I must confess that I was completely naked when I took this picture. This was one of my first attempts at a self portrait (although I have made it fancier now). I took it and sent it to the porn king urging him to hurry home to me. It struck me as a natural given his affinity for breasts and porn in general. Sadly, my attempt to make him hot was rebuffed. Poor me. Hopefully someone out there will enjoy it.