My body is twitching and shaking.

I feel more attached to my body and indeed the world than I have in a week.

Energy flows through my body and exiting my fingertips and toes. Not disappearing as it leaves me but invigorating me as it connects me to the universe.

Even my clothes touching my skin makes shiver. Like I am jumping out of my skin. Every twitch re-ignites the fire.



Why do I forget that I can create these connections for myself and don't need anyone else. Yes, it is sweeter when shared but can also be lonely when it is used selfishly. I need this elation to reinvigorate my heart.

HNT-96

Gee, I can't believe it is Thursday already.

And late afternoon and that... I have forgotten to post...

Here is another from my flower series...

HNT-95

I don't think that Spring is ever coming to Chicago. It is still chilly here. Very chilly.

At least some days the sun shines and there are flowers blooming.

They give me ideas....

Does this ever happen to you

Have you ever been in a room so cold that your nipples get so hard that they hurt?

And by hurt I mean burning in the middle of my chest.

Sigh.

HNT-94

Hmmm, why do I think of coconuts?

The problem for me, is that the coconut is one of the food items that you either love or hate....

Like cilantro.

As this is HNT's 3rd anniversary, I would like to point out that this is my 94th post (duh) and I have been participating in one way or another since January 19, 2006.

Hope you all have a good HNT!

Go so Os for more info!

Shower dreams

I was so excited to be seeing you. It has been so long since we touched.

I jumped into the shower to be ready for you, letting the hot water run down my body sluicing through the soapy foam. I washed my hair and took a few minutes to rinse it, leaning my arms agains the pebbled wall as the water poured over my head and shoulders.

The sound and heat of the water was pounding around my ears as I felt your warm breath on my neck. Nibbling your way up my neck, I shivered as your arms reached around and cupped my full breasts. And then I felt your hardness rubbing against me, searching for entry.

I arched my back and moaned begging you to find a warm entrance into my body. And you did. Sliding deeply into me, slowly and steadily, until you were buried deep within me. Your groan of satisfaction made me wild and I bucked against you, begging you to find a way deeper and deeper inside of me.

The water felt cold against my skin as you explode into me filling me with your intense heat.

I lean into the pebbles, weeping in happiness and relief as the water re-warms my skin.

Until I come to myself again.

I am alone. Still. Needing. Wanting you.

Why won't you come to me. Why must it be this hard?

Life is hard, but we are making it harder.

HNT 93

It has been another week of fun around my house, but generally calmer. And so I have been able to take a couple of minutes with my camera alone in my room. (not totally alone... the dog is lying there at the end of the bed... but she is generally just ignoring me so I might as well be alone).

I am working around the house trying to get my gardening in order. I have a series of window boxes that I am filling with herbs and lettuces. It should be a pretty clean operation but as I have very little coordination, I still manage to spill topsoil all over which includes into my crocs.

Here is the result.

PK would be so excited if he paid the slightest bit of attention to me as a women. Dirty feet have always been a favorite of his.

HNT - 92

Ok... t he last couple of weeks have sucked. Beside being in a technology nightmare (I am trying to create an actual website and I am a tech moron) I still have to deal with this walking hormone that I call a daughter. To say that I came close to a stroke yesterday would be an understatement...

That is why I am posting this picture.

From more innocent days.

My high school yearbook in fact.

I thought Os might enjoy it.

Is it supposed to be this hard?

This mothering of teen age daughter crap is for the birds. Is it normal for you 13 year old daughter supposed to be picked up by the police for graffittiing a public park?

I didn't think so.


Of course your average 13 year old girl isn't supposed to have a shrink, call her mother a whore or come close to flunking out of the 7th grade.

I am horrified.

Luckily the shrink seems as mystified as I am. Otherwise I would think I was insane.

HNT-91

I saw this over at Poppy Cede's... Obviously, I can't restrain myself... But then it is perfect HNT! Obviously, you should follow the bouncing boobs!

Please go see Os for much classier submissions than mine.

Ranting again.

Am I crazy?

Am I living in an ivory tower (a favorite excuse from my family as I am the only one of the four year college degree and a Masters! be still my beating heart) because I think that I deserve to be cuddled and romanced for longer than 5 minutes more than five minutes before you want to stick your penis into my mouth?

Could it hurt to say something nice to me? I make you excited? You like me? You aren't planning on vomiting on me?

And by wanting this, NAY, needing it... does that really make me self-involved? or having a basic level of standards.

Oh and I just saw that PK was on his secret yahoo account. I sent him an IM and he ignored me. So clearly, he is on the prowl for more porn. I guess I can't blame him. I told him that I don't want to have sex with him although I still want to have sex. Like that will happen. But still, I am he considered it a blow that I have decided not to follow his every instruction.


blah... I am out of vodka. I am gong to bed.

Inadequate me

Well I fucked up again.

I worked my ass off today, but I still got it wrong.

But it turns out that that everything is wrong, or that I am self involved.

I reached out for love and discovered I am still not living up to my potential and no one can stand me when I am struggling.

I rejected sex, not because I have no physical need, but because I demand more for myself and found myself berated as thinking "everything should be about you" or me in that case.

I reached for friendship and found myself labelled as overly involved in my children's lives because I care whether they excel and try to support them.

I tried to be a good daughter and found that it is lovely that I make my inadequate efforts, but they are not enough to make up for what my mother has lost.

Rejected all around. Why can't I be loved for myself? My idiosyncracies and inadequacies. Isn't that what love is supposed to be? I thought so. Hope for someone to overcome, encouragement, but love and understanding when they are human.

Am I not a human and no one told me? it must be so... since I fail so many people so often and they feel compelled to tell me.

HNT-90

Yes, I have been off for a while.. I didn't quit HNT or even blogging (although I loved Os's post about that subject). I was sick. again.

I think I have been sick all winter. And I am tired of it.

I also realized that I am relying far too much on my nipples to get me through the HNT process. Now, I realize you are saying to yourself, "Come on! We love the nipples" I understand. I love the nipples too. And they are still here. Hell, I even took a shot of them this evening. And really? it was a lovely shot. I just thought I would go with something a little different.

So here it is...

The lips.

I think they look kind of kissable. I like kissing. I have even been told that I am pretty good at it. Sigh.

What is wrong with my brain?

Why does this look like a giant wad of jizz on the floor of my shower?

I really need to get some..

really.

When will I ever feel better?

I don't know what is wrong with me.

I am sick again/still...

I don't know. I thought I was better. But here I am again... coughing up my lung.

And why?

Damned if I know. But I know that I am feeling depressed again. I am not entirely certain if it is because I am sick or I am sick because I am depressed. I just know there is a strong correlation in me between health and happiness.

Maybe it is the lack of sex that is making me sick. or love. or touch. That is certainly harder for me to calculate. I have had all three... sometimes together sometimes apart. They always made me feel better than I feel currently.

The question is how can you go out into the world and seek those things that you are missing when you have teenagers and preteens that you trying to set an example for. You certainly can't have a lover and try to explain to your child why she shouldn't have sex. Or explain that her father isn't part of a satisfying sex life for me. But then, how did I get to the point that I have children at this age and not sex, love, touch or respect.

Blah... time for more Niquil.

Maybe the answers will come in my fevered dreams.

Or at least soothe me with memories of desire glowing in your eyes as you gave me that little smile/smirk at still makes my heart catch when I think of it. I will dream of falling asleep in your arms and you laughing at me me because I chatter (in my sleep) and drool all night long.

I wish so much everything could be different and i could be in your arms again.

HNT-89

Ok.

Here is the deal. I more John Hodgeman and less Justin Long.

I don't even use an iPod... it doesn't work with my Rhapsody service.


So this is what I have to offer for this weeks HNT.

I am sure that Os has more exciting offerings than this

In other news

I seem to have turned some kind of corner.

Suddenly this week I am not crying or considering every other moment about what I lost... gave up. I wouldn't say that I am hopeful, per say, but at least I am not dreading tomorrow. So that is progress.

I don't know why, but I woke up one morning and it was just better... The night before I had dreamed of my messed up life and those that I hurt... and they were better, no longer angry with me... and me, not sorry the choices that I felt that I had to make.

In the meantime, I have had a series of frank conversations with the Porn King. I layed a lot of my anger at him out for him to review. I even got down to the small stuff.... Yes, as much as things suck, I had to tell him that he has become lazy and selfish in bed.

But really, it felt good. Not that I believe that it matters to anyone besides me.

And I can't even give it away...

Powered By Adult Toys


Well, I guess it is good to think I have career options.... Yeah, RIGHT.

HNT-88

I feel like I am constantly running late this week, and today is no exception. It happens when the PK is out of town, which is increasingly rare. I guess that I have lost my edge.

It may be more work, but for some reason it ends up being more peaceful. I guess the kids know that there is no point raising a fuss.

For those of you who asked after her, Asha has had a considerably better week this week. Other than her on again/off again crush flaking off again. She handled it well. Thanking me for my support as she knew that I did not approve of this boy/girl foolishness. I wasn't sure whether to hug her or look for the chip imbedded in her brain. Ahhh, the teenage years.

On the other hand I am impressed with her maturity and ability to let go. I am still having issues with that.

Moony HNT

I got absorbed looking at the sky tonight...

Trying to explain to Thera how a lunar eclipse happens. It was a welcome diversion from Asha's troubles this week. Her MySpace page was hacked by "friends" who spent the remainder of the week harassing her.

Sound familiar? Yeah.. to me too... They tormented her last year at the same time. Of course, last year, Asha ended up hospitalized...

I am SO on top of it this time...they have been turned into teachers, ISPs and parents.

Now I can concentrate on la bella luna.....

Ahhhh....

lonely

Lips
Warm Soft
Nibbling Sucking Teasing
Breathing Life into Me
Heavenly

Valentines HNT

The theme was red. I am not sure what I feel about my effort. To me it seems like a clown nose (with no disrespect to Rainy Pete). What do you think?






















The plus side was I got to eat the entire container of raspberries myself... and this is the utmost of decadence as raspberries are expensive and seem to have a half-life when it comes to refrigeration.

HNT-85

Still in bed sick....

Took a moment after a quick shower to wrap up in my favorite shawl... I take it to the kids sporting events with me... I think I always will... it will always work. It has every color in it.

Birthday in Bed

Yup, that is me today....

Don't get the wrong idea though...

I'm sick.

Oh, and I did it! I cut off all my hair and went back to my original color.

Just what I needed to hear.

Another reason to anticipate trouble from my breasts.

When I was in 5th grade, I was a 36C.

Fuck.

And I am not even getting to enjoy them. This isn't fair.

HNT-84

Running late tonight, but pleased to see that my HNT picture doesn't seem to be suffering.

I snapped this baby with my new cell phone.

Shheesh

Do you know how hard it is to consider getting yourself off after a call from your grandmother? DAMN IT!

I could have really used it.

I am having one of those days

Learn To Love Fat
Richard Wilkinson


Ever wake up aroused wishing that you could spend the day in bed your skin covered in sweat, lube and semen? I am having one today. Even sneezes feel orgasmic. Naturally, I am alone. I guess it is back to solitary masturbation for me.

I hope I don't get to the point where I associate sexual ecstasy with lonely weeping. This is getting depressing.

HNT-83

Holy Sweet Mother of God!

Is it possible? Where has all the time gone?

My sweet Asha is 13 today.

That means that I am the mother of a teenager. Oh crap.

I still remember when this picture was taken. That is me at the same age. eating sugar. Yeah, I was sophisticated from an early age.

HNT-82

A special video edition....

Yes, today sucked...

but yesterday I did play in my bath a little... Like the twit that I am, I forgot to turn on the audio... that not you would have heard much but the sound of pouring water...

So... I screwed around with the video a bit and edited (poorly) music into the video..

I know... 8 year olds can do this... but for myself, I consider this mad, hot tech skills....

Ugh

Well, it has been a swell day today.

Asha is feigning illness again... and she is good at it... It turns out that she can wretch like a pro. Well, she has been practicing for a number of weeks... so I guess that accounts for that.

She has done this so much, that today I took her to the doctor. Luckily our regular pediatrician was not there as Asha would have died at the questions that had to be asked of her. Since she has been allegedly vomiting...(I hear wretching, but have not seen the vomit).

And what questions was my girl asked? Hmmm, well apparently when they sent me out of the room (for the first time, I might add) for her exam, she was asked if there was a possibility that she was pregnant. She said no.

Afterwards, the doctor asked me for permission to run a pregnancy test and though in my heart of hearts I believe that there was no cause for this, given that this is Asha and not Thera, I agreed. See, Asha is more likely to do something stupid without thinking ahead and then thinking that she can make it go away by ignoring it. Also she tends to try to get away with things... a bad combination under the circumstances.... The test was negative.

On the car ride home, Asha railed at being asked that question. "Why would they think that?" she asked me. I pointed out that the doctor has to ask as she does not know Asha. That there are other pregnant 13 year old girls in the city... That the doctor would have been remiss for NOT asking the question.

But I am now feeling infinitely sad that I had to even consider the possibility that my not quite 13 year old could be pregnant.

It makes me want to vomit.

Did you feel it?

Is there still a connection?

When I whispered your name while I touched myself I still felt a bond. The rush of euphoria that I came to associate with you.

Did you shiver as I called for you?

Or did you shudder with scorn at my weakness and inconstancy?

Reading List

I should prolly read this book....

Of course, by reading it will get me into more trouble...

There is no winning....

A Different Kind of HNT

Well... for me anyway...

I thought that this was a great photo. That blur is a friend of my daughters as she was doing back handsprings across the gym floor.

This was Thera's first outing as a cheerleader... so I had to include her in the shot as well....

Isn't she adorable?

Too much sadness

As we listened to news about Benazir Bhutto over the last couple of days, my general sadness over my broken heart, my mother-in-laws death, and now the death of a columnist that we loved and respected at the Chicago Tribune, Terry Armour.... PK has broken... his sadness is overwhelming him.

The problem is that he is looking for re-assurance.

And I have none to give.

For the last week, all that could enter my mind was one phrase.

"I used to love you"

and I did.

desperately. But it has been a long time...

Tonight though, in his sadness, he asked the question.

Do you still love me?

Do I?

I do.

Do I love him as I did when we were young and enthusiastic and untried by the ravages of the world. Before I was abandonned to his ambition, his career, his family, his friends. More sad affection and shared experience, a sad shadow of my past feelings.

Do I still love him the way that I did?

No.

That is gone.

Year End HNT

This is ultimately not my favorite picture from last year... but those pictures are gone... Maybe they are cached someplace on the internets somewhere for someone to enjoy....

this is runner-up...

I am going to miss this look, as I have decided to quit fighting the losing battle and let nature take its course with my hair.

Can you still be a sexy and vibrant woman with gray hair? I guess time will tell.... Can you still be a sexy and vibrant woman with no sex? I doubt it... but again time will reveal all... Happy New Year Os and fellow HNT'ers!

What this ad says to me

Merry Christmas, you gold digging whore.

Or at least that you have been bought and paid for with this sparkly jewel..... see... your husband gave you a lovely bauble... now you owe him.

This might explain why I don't wear jewelry anymore.

Too much information...

How do I explain to my FIL that his wife, my late MIL would be HORRIFIED with the amount of detail that he is giving out about her recent illness.

Do you really need to know where she was hemorrhaging? Hell, I don't even want to know that info...

I promise that if he ever starts bleeding internally that I will tell everyone that I know that he is bleeding from his eyeballs, fingernails, ear drums and cock... Hell, I will buy a billboard, but please! Please! stop. She is prolly spinning in her casket as we speak...

The eye of the storm

The shit storm that is.

My last post mentioned that my MIL was sick.

Well it turned out she was sicker than we all thought.

Last Friday she went to the doctor to finally figure out what was going on. PK and I had been guessing from the various tests that they were running. I won.

Small cell lung cancer that spread to her liver (and breast too, but that seemed insignificant). They called us Friday evening to tell us and to let us know the established protocol... which turned out to be chemo beginning Monday. So we had a plan, which is my FIL's favorite thing in the world. Plans give him a sense of security and peace.

What is it that they say about the best laid plans?

In this case it should say that they are subject to whims of fate and luck.

Saturday she was back in the hospital having lost a great deal of blood from an unknown source. FIL called to report she was admitted. I told PK he should plan to head out there... he demurred, waiting for this father's call. The next day we got a call saying she seemed somewhat better.... Three hours later we got another call... COME NOW was the word.

Swell... except we have had snow in Chicago and now rain, sleet, snain, oh and wind. So within 3 hours we piled the girls into the car, boarded the dog and headed out. We drove all night long and made it to Long Island around 10am on Monday.. we were directed to head straight to the hospital. When we got there? She was on a ventilator, ECG, O2 saturation monitors, automatic blood pressure cuff... the works.

But still she seemed good. responding to questions.... trying to talk despite the vent. We went back and forth that day. Because while she seemed alert, her test results got worse and worse. She was still bleeding. The girls were horrified by the bruising on her and the blood on her bed. No matter how often they cleaned her up.. the bleeding continued. They gave her blood. Near as we could tell about 4 units. They gave her 4 units of platelets in order to jump start her bodies natural clotting ability. None of it mattered. It turns out that the cancer in the liver was interfering with her bodies ability to produce fibrinogen which interacts with the platelets and allows clotting. No fibrinogen, no clotting... just continuous hemorrhaging.

We called a priest. We told her that it was anointing of the sick (which it is, technically) but more commonly that is known as Last Rites. She was given absolution (asked to think the Act of Contrition). The priest was kind and sweet. I hope she got some comfort from that. We went home for the night after that... The girls kissed her hands... the only place they could reach with all the tubes and all.... and told her that they loved her.

The call came at 4 am. Come NOW.

And we went.

She was less responsive although was still squeezing hands and nodding a bit. The girls came in and said their goodbyes and again kissed her hands. I took them back to the ICU waiting room, where they fell asleep. But not before Thera asked me why Granny's hands were cold and blue. I explained that this was part of the normal part of dying if one was not dying suddenly. Luckily she didn't ask me about the tear in Granny's eye. because it appeared there as I led the girls from the room. I saw it and said nothing. But clearly she was still with us and that disturbed me.

But still she hung on...her blood pressure was virtually non existent and for about 5 hours they kept the cuff on... searching for the non existent pressure. Finally, I asked the nurses to remove it. They were not expecting to find one and it made no sense to squeeze her for no good reason. The nurse agreed then looked at me shrewdly.

"Would you like us to give her some morphine to help with the pain?" she asked. I thought for a split second before telling her "yes". PK and FIL said nothing. PK knew what I was agreeing to. Hopefully he will not hold it against me in the future. I have no great sense of hope in that though....

Withing 20 minutes of receiving the morphine my MILs pulse and O2 sats started dropping quickly. It was awful listening to the alarms going off and knowing that no one would be rushing in to help. A couple of times, she rallied for a few minutes. The quiet would then be cut with the sound of the alarms. and then she flatlined. her heart restarted three times on its own. It was horrible to watch. At the end she moved a bit voluntarily. I like to think it was to say goodbye... and then there was no other motion except from the ventilator. The nurse came in and pronounced her dead. Tuesday morning, December 4, 2007, 9:49. She was diagnosed with cancer 5 days earlier.

We left the room a moment and they cleaned her up for us, removing the vents and leads, the tubes and monitors. We brought the girls in and said our goodbyes. The vent had left her mouth a little askew and this freaked the girls out a bit. Plus she got cold so fast. it was horrible.

I never want to do that again, but sadly I know I will likely have to at some other point.

Her funeral will be Friday. One week after her diagnosis.

Something is going to hit the fan

Maybe I just that a second sense when bad things are going to happen, or maybe it was inevitable.

My MIL is sick.

Really sick. Like they found lung cancer and are still looking at her liver sick and getting her a new mammogram. I did some research. Which is the way I deal with anticipated trouble. I don't like to be taken by surprise any more than I have to.... but it turns out that lung cancer can be secondary to liver cancer... and they are sure that there is something wrong with her liver given the blood work that they have drawn already. Which means advanced cancer...

Before I did this checking, PK was sitting at the breakfast bar and telling me about what he had learned about the test results that day... "A lot of this is going to fall on me," he told me, "Because you know what emotional cripples my folks are... and they are already scared".

And that scares the living shit out of me.... because if he is the emotional tower of strength in that family... this is going to be really, REALLY bad. He has closed me out of his emotional life and stopped communicating with me when he started the business... what the HELL is going to happen when having to deal with his mother dying.

I have offered to help in anyway that I can... I am not going to say anything about what I found out, because really, we won't know for sure until the tests of complete... Maybe it is just lung cancer and cirrhosis or fatty liver syndrome (because that is the best option here) but one way or another this could very well be the final slowly hammered in nail on the coffin of this marriage... I can't be closed out further.

But I am glad that before the shit hit the fan, my girls at least a short period of peace.

Afraid

I started this blog discussing how I was invisible.

Two years later... I am torn.

I am stuck between having the chance to be visible... living a life where I was seen and needed... and remaining invisible.

And I chose invisibility.

I am an idiot, this much is sure. But it is also due to what invisibility brings me....

My girls.

Who despite all, love me and need me. Do they need me invisible to help them achieve their maturity? I don't know... but it seems to be helping them.

can I live in this background? I don't know.. but I have to for now...

It is not a complete retreat... but I have realized that I can't make that big reach for happiness that I wanted. It is too early. I thought that I could and all that I have done is hurt others in the process.

And so I am retreating...

For now...

But I am sorry. I never wanted to hurt you... and I will miss you... forever.

Well, I like to think so....

Still not ready to talk at this point, but ready to publish silly self-aggrandizing memes...

Get a Cash Advance

This made me feel better then I have in weeks....

Feeling sorry for myself...

That is where I have been....I will be back here after licking my wounds for a while...

HNT-79

Ever have one of those days where you just can't make anyone happy.

I am having one of those months...

So I am going to concentrate on my last nice day out on my patio...

I was all alone, enjoying the sun, the breeze and some solitude...I think I need more alone time to get my head together and decide what it is that I want... I am certainly feeling unsettled these days.

A gift for you gentlemen...

How To Make A Homemade Sex Toy - Watch more free videos


I was hoping for something for me.. but I guess that comes another day.

HNT-76

Well... for some reason I am not able to post a picture right now... I will get a picture up as soon as I can... damn you BLOGGER!!!!!



Yeah! Now I can! I have no idea how I got this shot....I seem all twisty and turned... That seems to the way my life is going these days... I can't tell which end is up. Maybe it is the cool temperatures, maybe changes in people around me.... Things seem a bit weird lately. Not bad weird, just odd.




In the meantime, head over to see Os....

HNT-75

Here is a picture first for me....

Not an angle I can usually capture...

HNT-74

Well it is still nice and warm here in the Second City... Warm enough to make a girl smile and think of summer days...

HNT-73

After a bath or getting out of the pool instead of toweling off, I prefer to air dry.

I love the feeling of the sun and breeze on my skin...

Don't you?

I know what I am and what I want

No body has every accused me of having a sweet personality.

I am fat. I am opinionated. I swear like a sailor or any Brit that I have ever met. I can ocassionally drink like a fish. I admit to and relish in my baser needs and desires and indulge in them when I can. If you need help and I can give it to you, I will. I will put up with your bad moods because I figure you have had a bad day, or week, or month.

But

I am a woman who is tired of criticism from the people who claim to love me about how I don't live up to THEIR expectations of me.

If I say that I am staying with PK believe that is a decision that I have considered long and hard and it was made because my children have had too much tumult in their lives. I maybe occassionally miserable about it. But that is an absolute in my life. At least for the foreseeable future and by that I mean nearly a decade.

I don't want to be saved.

I don't want to be fixed.

I want to be appreciated for the flawed person that I am.

Not my perfected ideal.

My life is full of people who want to fix me so live up to their expectations of me. I don't need more.

I will take you at face value and accept you for the flawed person that you are... I want no less in return.

HNT-72

God what a week...

We got home from LI on Sunday night, which naturally leaves me two whole days to get the girls ready for school. And a blistering hard two days they always are. (Apparently we believe in testing our getting-ready-skills to the limit)

So now that they are off (and I won't show you a picture of them since they are far more beautiful than I) (Right, Poppy and Jolly Roger?) I will show you how I took my brief respite today? (they only had half a day)

It is official

I'm a whore.

My husband threatened to divorce me last night because he saw pictures that a friend sent me of his cock. Never mind that the Porn King looks at whatever images float this boat. Apparently it is not allowed for the likes of me.

So naturally after threatening me, in the morning he wants sex to assert his total control over me. And like a coward I give in. He always chooses the time for sex to suit him. First thing in the morning. Preferably not awake. No foreplay. Add in the fact that I was completely hung over and felt miserable...

He proves his dominance over me

and I gave in.

I am nothing.

No one.

Sub human

HNT-71

Sorry folks,

No video this week... but I did get this taken last week...

Gee, I love, water.

It is that time of the month

He walked the dog with me.

Playfully grabbed my ass.

Yup.

It is that time of the month.

He wants head.

sigh.

HNT-70a

Mea culpa... I told you that I was new to this... Hopefully this did it! Sorry anyone.

HNT-70

And I am trying a video entry!

Yes, I am sure that I fucked this up... or you can hear the lilting tones of PK, the girls or Cash Cab in the background.... Oh, and please note all the mosquito bites I have gotten on my tender flesh... Do you know how hard it is to resist scratching those?

I did figure out how to do this though...



Or maybe not..

You tell me!

After a lovely day

Comes the crappy one....

Yesterday was Thera's birthday. We had a lovely time... took her to the village, bought her presents, had lunch out... time in the pool, out to dinner... it was all lovely

So naturally today everyone is irritated... and largely with me.

I won't take Thera to the previously scheduled trip to the wineries.. why? Gee, I don't know... maybe because she is 11 and will get bored.

And PK?

Well even though I am not interrupting any scheduled events, he is irritated that I am going to see friends tonight. Why? Probably because I have friends here. And he isn't invited... because I want something for myself.

Naturally, he has pronounced the entire event as dodgy...

Gosh, I hope so then!

My need

I need to taste of you
to explore your body with my hot, wet tongue
desparate to find you
to impale myself on you
grasping your hardness
completing me

Hoping to find the spot where we stick together for ever
to keep that feeling always
close and tight
wet and hard
mine and yours
ours
always

The love in your eyes
a gift
a state of grace

HNT-69

I like to call this one Post-BlogHer Cleavage....

Sorry for not posting more the last week or so. We are on our way out of town for our annual trek to my in-laws house on Long Island. Once there I will be able to post early and often as there will be a much better adult to child ratio....

Hmmm, will I get my hour of naked swimming? Will I be able to visit my North Fork friends before they leave for Maine?

Stay tuned and we will all find out together!

How do they know?

When we want to be alone?

To touch and kiss?

To pull you down onto the bed and cover you with my soft body?

Will you caress me gently? Building the fire in me slowly until my body burns with desire. We explore the hidden points of yearning in each of our bodies until nothing else will satisfy our need. You slowly sink your hardness into my welcoming body, making me remember that I am loved and wanted.



Girl with a Dog
Jean-Honore Fragonard
1770

or

Will you throw me down on the bed? Kissing and nibbling your way down my body until you reach under my skirt and pull off my panties then inhaling and tasting the sweetness of my wet pussy. Will you listen to me squeal my pleasure until your face is washed in my delight of you? Then nudging me over, planting your cock in my juiciness and plowing deep into me until you drench me with your desire for me.

How do they know? How long can we wait?

Here is a bizarre question

What do you do when you think that your daughter (age 12) has been exposing some of your most private possessions to her early/preteen friends?

That was in your bathroom drawer...

Where she should never be.

Do you confront her? Or just suck it up as curiousity by the young'uns?

Frankly, I am not embarrassed to have sex toys... on the contrary, I celebrate having them. But she is 12. And her friends are close to the same age. And not all of their parents share my values. (i.e. they may be good Catholic prudes, or even aetheist prudes)

and most important...

IT IS A VIOLATION OF MY PRIVACY and I am at of the food chain in this house!

--Added Note--

Well, that was a tremendous waste of my time.

Sure, confront the girl and what will she do? Well besides lie through her teeth, she will create a fuss to get her father pissed off at me. Not a mean feat, but an annoying one.

See, without me around, they all had a lovely weekend. And now that I was home... well, the Porn King didn't have to say it, but it was clear that I had ruined all of that.

Never mind that I was not responsible for this difficulty. That I wasn't yelling. That it was my privacy that was violated and I was being lied to (apparently she was lingering in my bathroom with her smirking friend because she was getting a brush that she stuck down the back of her pants even though my brush was about eight inches long and two inches wide... a piece of cake to hide in a size 2's shorts).

It is all my fault that there was screaming right before dinner.

Let the Playing Begin!

Here are the wonderful toys that I got from Always Aroused Girl at the Personal Blogging Session at BlogHer07!

I can't wait to get started with them and be able to report back on how much I enjoy them....

I suppose in all fairness to the toys I should try them out alone first so that I am not distracted by a hands and lips that may excite me further (wow, doesn't that sound like there are a pack of men volunteering to help me break these babies in!)

I am particularly looking forward to feeling the cool smoothness of the NJoy Fun Wand. I am getting wet just thinking about where I should use it first.... or maybe in combination with the thick, pink dildo....

Ok... I may swoon...

Sorry to say that there will likely be no photos of me testing out my swag... I am talented but not talented enough to grow and extra set of arms to work the camera too... (Does that sound like I am a trolling for assistants? Sorry, baby...)

Thanks again to AAG! It was great to hear you speak and to chat with you afterwards.... even if I did sputter like an idiot!

Wish I could do that!

There is a woman here at BlogHer that can orgasm while using a treadmill!

That would sure as hell encourage me to work out!

Anyone have any ideas on how that can be done?

Wholly Cripe!

Wait until you see the cool swag I got for attending a sex blogger session!

I would show you all me using it, but I would be blushing wildly!

-- Added Note --

Goofy me failed to note that the fabulous goody bag came to me courtesy of AAG who I actually met! Ok, mostly I sputtered like an idiot, but you get the idea....

But definitely a huge THANKS! to AAG!

So I missed HNT

But I made it to BlogHer!

I am here right now enjoying my first session on Digital Exhibitionists...
Which I think sums me up for these purposes...

We are discussing the questions of honesty

And that makes me wonder. Since I know that I am not being totally honest with you my readers... in part because I am protecting what I have in my life. Facing the ultimates truths in my life might make have to make changes.

I learned a couple of things:

a. There are more one legged cats out there

b. Art is in the selecting of what we say v. the whole truth

c. We have a responsibility to ourselves to keep ourselves safe and whole

How naked do we need to be?

Do people want to know more?

To know more of my secrets?

d. Our stories are important as a way document our lives and our era.

Yummy!

This has been an obsession this week.




Sex on the beach.







Ever since I saw this symbol appear on Asha's Facebook page... Yes that is a virtual cocktail sent to my preteen. Oddly enough I had never had one before. And today, I received my opportunity.. at lunch of all places. While eating I played the trivia game that they have in the restaurant... it is called Buzz Time. (ironic, I know)

In between rounds the screen stated that the house would award you a free drink if you could beat their "Champion's" high score.

Which I promptly did.

Naturally, I had to order the elusive sex on the beach.

It was delicious. But I don't know if it was the drink or the sweet taste of victory.

HNT-68

I don't know why I have chosen this image this week....

It certainly doesn't emphasize my less than stellar housekeeping skills... But this is how I feel about my life lately.

I make an effort. In this case, Mickey Mouse pancakes... which I did free hand... not from some mold (I know... not exactly a trick... stilll) and this is how it is received.

I have been told that I am like a butterfly... just waiting to emerge... I think I need to stay in my chrysalis a bit longer on days like this...

Sun burn, my ass!

Or why I should be allowed to sunbathe in the nude.

Like I am hurting anyone? Please.

But there I was up on my private porch taking a nap. Naked.

Oh ok the loser neighbors did come outside. But they can't see me. I am on the wrong side of the dinette roof. The only way anyone else can see me is if their vision is incredible. They are looking up and squinting to see the slats on the porch.

I am being careful. Staying low to the floor. Not attracting a lot of attention.. Not making any noise.

But out he comes. The Porn King. To inform me that I am getting sunburned. That my face is red. Ironically, my face is the part of my body that I cover! So I don't get it too sunburned. It is exposed to the sun more than the rest of my body.

I know when he is just embarrassed of me. and I am getting sick of it.

HNT-67

Oops.. I missed last week... Something about the inlaws hanging over my shoulder at every opportunity...

This is our current obsession this week, and for the next entire week really.

No, not the criminally insane...

Those of you in the know will recognize this institution as the place that Harry Potter's relatives, The Dursley's tell the neighbors that Harry is sent to during the school year.

Of course, I wouldn't mind finding some criminally bad boys... if you know what I mean!

Electricity

Running down my fingers

and out my toes

which when touched, made my body twitch uncontrollably

even into the night.


The rain and storms have passed

but my body is still tingling

shivering from the undischarged energy

Could I handle more?


I look forward to finding out

The Fate of Women

Is it our fate to be judged, not on our accomplishments?

Our thoughts, our deeds

Who we care for

How we show our love

The Power we wield


or


denigrated for what we lack

our errors, our faults, our flaws.


Of course, if you are reading this, you are scoffing and saying,

"No, we don't do that!"

"We are so much more advanced than that"


But you are wrong.

and here is the proof:

Mummy Reveals Egyptian Queen Was Fat, Balding and Bearded By Meredith F. Small

Hatshepsut was fat and bald,from the Times of India

Yup.

Here we are, nearly 3,500 years after her death and what are we discussing? Her buildings? policies? Why she systematically removed from the annals of history? No.

She was fat and bald.

Not a great queen who ruled in her own right in a time when women were seen and not heard.

But a joke.

because fat is funny.

What hope is there for the rest of us when we are judged this way?

Alone

Nude - 4
Diana Ong








With my family

I am alone.

I exist only as an image, an ideal

The real me

a disappointment

to be scoffed at and belittled.


Where are you?

When bad things happen to good phallus

I was saddened to read this article today, but more surprised to hear that the cause was not associated with global warming. But was glad to hear that the lingam for Parvati and Ganesha are intact.

Hindu Shrine's Icy Stalagmite Melts

- - - - - - - - - - - -

By AIJAZ HUSSAIN Associated Press Writer

July 02,2007 | SRINAGAR, India -- A naturally formed stalagmite in a Kashmiri mountain shrine has melted away, officials said Monday, blaming body heat from the hundreds of thousands of Hindu pilgrims who visit each year.

For over 200 years, Hindus have worshipped the stalagmite, called a lingam, as an incarnation of the Lord Shiva, the Hindu god of destruction and regeneration. Its size has fluctuated in previous years -- ranging from 5 to 12 feet tall -- but the it has never before disappeared entirely.

"One of the main reasons for its melting is the conduction of body heat of the huge crowds at the formation," said Shakeel Ahmed, who heads Geology and Geophysics Department at the University of Kashmir.

He also blamed the helicopters that deposit pilgrims near the mountain cave and generators powering light bulbs.

"There will be some disappointment for the pilgrims as the main lingam has completely melted," said Arun Kumar, a top official of the Amarnath Shrine Board, which manages the pilgrimage.

Officials say at least 400,000 devotees are expected to make the 10-mile trek from the nearest village to the Amarnath shrine, in a mountain cave 13,500 feet above sea level that is topped with a glacier. Pilgrims leave offerings of flowers, coins and paper money inside the cave.

Chanting hymns and ringing bells, the first group of nearly 12,000 pilgrims on Sunday began the journey amid tight security against Islamic militants. However on Monday, government has again suspended the pilgrimage because of heavy rains en route the cave shrine.

Muslim rebels who have been fighting for decades with India over Kashmir accuse Hindu-majority India of using the pilgrimage as a political statement to bolster its claim over the Himalayan region.

Fuck

yeah.

That is what I said.

I am fucking sick and tired of being understanding and kind when the people that I deal with on an everyday basis suck. What they suck I will leave to your's and their imagination.

Can someone make me feel better about the sink hold of reality that I find myself in?

Please?

I promise to make it worthwhile for you....

Or as much as a fat whore like myself can manage.

Testing the Lounge Chair...

On a lovely summer Sunday afternoon...

The sun was lovely on my pale flesh as was the breeze blowing over my nipples...

Now if I could just stop worrying about being caught naked on my porch, I could enjoy it more.