Exercise in futility

So there we are checking out the house... walking around looking in particular at my new bathroom lovingly. The tub.. well, I think I may live in it for about a month.

But then I went to the shower. There are smooth black pebbles beneath my feet and as I lean against the shower wall. This will be relaxing, I think.

Then I sit on the bench in the shower. I look at the Porn King. Look at him suggestively and say, "The bench looks like it is just the right height".

I get a blank look in response.

"Right height for what?"

Can someone explain to me why I fucking bother?

Holy cow!

Well this isn't exactly out of the Smart Bitches website.. (or as I like to call it, Man Tittie Central) but it will do pig...




I think what I like best is that the "intern" from Steven Colbert's show used essentially the same blank look on her face for two of the three shots....

HNT-55B

I took this picture today at the house to show the Porn King which appliances had been installed into the house... when I got home and opened them... I discovered this shot. It reminded me of those Ebay pictures of shiny teapots or toasters which a naked guy in the background. As PK would say, "There is a fetish site on the internet for those pictures!" And God knows PK would be aware of it.

I am not naked, but I think you guys get the idea!

HNT-55

it is a quiz....

What am I doing?

(And taking supremely bad photographs doesn't count as an answer... that is a given!)

Sweet hot nerd love

I saw this post over at Figleaf's Real Adult Sex...

Spoiling the whole bunch -- dudes vs. nerds

Figleaf asks us who we think would be better in bed? I love this... because.. well, ultimately I think they are both dorky. But when it comes to sheer sex appeal? Geeky wins every time. Maybe it is the pent up angst, maybe it is the ability to over think everything and probably because I am one myself... but I have always found nerds vastly more appealing.


Figleaf doesn't think either candidate is a 'catch'

So. Who do you think is better in bed anyway? The kind of nerdy cubicle denizen who's smart, versatile, and telecommutes in his nightgown, or the kind of arrogant but stylish art roach who spends a lot of time telling you how privileged you ought to feel getting to be with him and all.

Is there really any question? The Mac Guy is hiding behind an elaborate facade designed to hide himself from the dork that he really is. PC is his own true self... which is so much sexier...

Just thinking about this makes me nostalgic for a game with no name played by PK and his best friend and I years ago before the incident... that usually involved a long time and a lot of liquor. This game seems to be reborn into "Who Would You Rather?" feature in Nerve's Scanner Column.

I look forward to voting there and of course at Figleaf's site! But it will never be the same as the original game with me.

HNT-54

I am hoping that I haven't posted this one already.. but I saw it and liked it... It has been another long week...

I have picked out fire places, and am working on knobs, pulls and other hung accessories... (gee, that sounded dirty)

In the meantime, here is another house choice... my shower tiling... I am desperate to be able to lean against this...

Quote of the Day

"It is a weird guy rule, I will spend two hours fucking his wife, but I can't touch his guitar"

This explains men to me more than I can say...

Sunday Searching...

I am exhausted this weekend.. too many times running back and forth to volleyball games and church... Yes, I know. it may seem surprise but I am a a good catholic mother (good being relative, I suspect) who often takes her children to mass. In fact, often these days I am dragged to mass by the children. Particularly my younger... she sings in the children's choir and serves at the altar. She reminds me of a simpler day, when I used to believe in hope and faith. These days... I have trouble remembering, let alone believing...

So today, I cheat at blogging and present you with the search terms people used to find me this week.

candy preteen
lushlyme (aww, someone out there likes me!)
Perfect Phallus (looking for Mrs. Candy instead of me)
preteen sex
lushly alive (now I am blushing)

Wow, it apears that most people looking for me, found me on purpose! That is cool... I guess that while i may not be popular here in my own home, there are people out in the blogosphere who like me.

HNT-53

I call this one, Naked Counter top...

I haven't talked about the house rehab in a while. It is coming along and it should be only a matter of weeks before we are finally out of this rental and back in our new old house. At this point we are concentrating on the finishes.

I had decided that I wanted soapstone for my counter top in the kitchen... I got talked out of it by the builder who insisted that I would be very unhappy. So I went to the warehouse to pick out slabs of granite. Many of the slabs had nice regular patterns.. things that would be consistent from location to location in the kitchen. A smart move I suppose.

But now that I am dealing with granite, I decided that I needed something that screamed METAMORPHISM!!!!

This is what I selected... it is Brazilian and called Golden Glow. I love the mica and quartz... now I just have to figure out what the yellow mineral is... sulfur? Cadmium? Copper? Chromium? I guess I will just have to let my geeky mind wander...

How Refreshing

To talk to someone who understands the concept that actions speak louder than words...

This is a subject that bothers me the most about the PK. He tells me one thing and acts in a completely different manner. Does he not realize that I can tell the difference?

I was talking to a new friend, when he mentioned that he has learned over the years to pay more attention to what people do than what they say. And I was floored.

I am so used to hearing the platitudes about how PK is going to change and how he is going to make an effort to curb his excesses and pay attention to my needs and the needs of the kids. And so used to being told that I was too cynical for not believing him. I forgot other people really do use actions to back up what they say. That it is expected even.

That being said, I got a call around the time I was supposed to pick the kids up... asking me if I could take the kids to tae kwon do by myself this afternoon. PK has a report that he is working on.... it was taking him forever. This I knew from his working at the dining room table late last night. I even helped him type some slides (make a mental note: I hate PowerPoint) Sure. I am reasonable.. I will do this.

At four-thirty, I got the call asking if I minded that he go to dinner with one of his business partners. He has had some stuff on his mind and wants to discuss it with him. He promises that this will not be one of those late nights when he comes home drunk off his skull, obnoxious, amorous and then totally useless to me the next day. He asks my permission. as if this gives me control in the matter. Which it doesn't as a negative response will just be met with complaints that I don't "support his career". So I tell him to go ahead.

As I hang up the phone I realize something. What about the report? The original reason that he wasn't going to be home on time. I call him back and ask. Just finishing it now. Frankly, now I am suspicious. It seems to me that he never had any real intent of coming home for dinner tonight. At least that is how I read it. But he doesn't have the guts to tell me he wants a night out. Why? Because he doesn't want to reciprocate. I could be wrong. What do you think?

I think that for tonight his actions speak louder than his words.

Sunday Searching...

I saw this over at Dilemmas of a Virgin Slut and thought to give it a try...

These are the search terms or combinations of search terms that people out there in the blogosphere used to find my site:

preteen
lushlyme
lushlyalive
mrs. candy's perfect phallus
blogspot girl webcam
naked hnt

Interesting... I wonder how many people are disappointed that I only occasionally mention the word preteen?

HNT-52

What to choose? Well, I looked at every picture of myself... and I look like hell... Not really taking many pix of myself this week as my schedule has become heavier.. having to drop Asha to the hospital as well as Thara to school. No rest for the wicked I guess... I just wish I had wickedness to be repenting for...It would certainly make me feel more even with the kharmic force in the sky, or Jesus or who the hell decides that I am completely screwed at the moment. Sigh.


Ok... I think that this one captures how I feel... Hope you all had a better week.

Weird

Not that I don't trust my daughter, but Asha does not exactly apply herself to thinking or paying attention.. and as for the rest of the kids in the ward? well, I have little faith in them....

So I went home and looked at Wikipedia.. and the platypus IS indeed venomous...

Now you really have to get in and under the normally reclusive platypus to get it... but you can...

How weird is that?

Oh by the way, the venom comes from a retractable claw on the male playpus rear legs... Like I said... you have to be in and under the thing.

What I learned from the psych hospital

Contrary to popular opinion two lazy parents can fuck up a kid as well as a single parent

Crazy boys still want to touch women's asses

The platypus is venomous

For now? My head hurts and I need another cocktail.

What does a mom have to do?

Since I am clearly not doing it

I gave up my career for my family.. my kids needed my time and effort. I gave it.

Money was tight? I managed it. I paid off debt faster than we did when I was working... I made the effort.

I have had issues dealing with Asha going through puberty. I assumed that so many of the difficulties that we were having were her were hormonally driven.

Now I am not so sure.

Asha took a handful of aspirin Thursday night. Why? she can't or won't tell us. She is medically fine but mentally? Well that is to be seen. I just know that this has nothing to do with me. I have done nothing to fuck this kid up this much.

So until I can get her into treatment. I have locked up the knives, hidden the meds and follow her everywhere... even the bathroom.

She is feeling better. She is pissed off at me again. Telling me how I am destroying her life by keeping her safe from herself.

can someone explain this to me?

I did everthing everyone said that I should. I am involved at school, she is involved in activities. We care. How did we get a child who behaves suicidally, even if she claims that she isn't?

HNT-51 Singing for my supper

We, at Chez Lushly, have neighborhood joints that we frequent. The kind of place where they know you favorite wine, what salad dressing you want and call you by your first name... You know.. like in the movies....

We were at that place last night.

The girls were sweet and conversational, an unusual event for both of them at their ages.. We had a nice bottle of wine... It was pleasant. For a bit anyway.

A couple walked in. Older. He was not wearing his age well and needed the help of his wife and a medical attendent. She might have been younger but not by much.. but she was working her look hard. Fine.. yeah we noticed their arrival and then promptly went back to our meal...

Until the strolling musicians came in. A while ago, they noticed that I was quietly singing along...and they have encouraged me to sing with them...

Well they came by and were getting ready to play for this couple when they noticed me nearby...asked me to sing along...

This pissed the woman off. And she started ranting and raving about me and how I was not offering them a $5.00 tip. (as an aside... We always give them more than that....) As she raved about me, and I felt the color rise in my face, I looked at my girls. Thara's face was in her hands and Asha? She went white with shock and embarassment. It seemed that it went on forever.

Eventually though it ended and the couple left the restaurant. Needless to saw our meal was ruined.

They seem to enjoy housework more than I do

Maybe I need to start doing it in lingerie... What do you think?



By the way, I saw this over at My Pursuit of Happiness...

HNT-50, The Pussy and the Vibrator

I would like to say that I was clever enough to have set this picture up... but it would be a lie.

The sad reality is that I have been keeping the vibrator under my pillow in the hopes of being able to find a couple of minutes alone to be able to use it...

Alas, it has not been possible. So I guess I am glad to it is going to good use... NOT!

Fantastic

Well the post that I wrote yesterday is gone... disappeared.. poof!

Yes, it has been that kind of week

Hovering

Why can PK suddenly not leave me alone?

A desire for my company? 90% of the time we are alone together we are silent. The other 9.9999% we are talking about household issues or the kids. Our lives together, what we hope or want... these are topics that can not be discussed. Or at least I can't discuss them.

Yet here we are.. spending all this time together... Is it bringing us together in a more emotional level? No. Are we together more physically? No I am still on my twice a month plan. Why is he with me?

Because I told him I would be taking lovers... He is spending time with me to prevent me from having time to seek out or meet with a new lover. I am not sure that I shouldn't be pleased. But the fact remains that he still doesn't want me.

And the physical wanting is as important as the emotional. Does he think that I would leave him? Maybe a young woman would confuse sex and love, but I don't. This is not to say, I want a sexual relationship complete devoid of feelings, just an occasional interlude to remind me that I am something more than a cog in the works of this family.. I understand that I am the central cog, the one that keeps the family moving. But this position keeps me from interacting with the world on my own.

I am seen only as his wife or their mother.

Not me.

Just a woman.

HNT-49

I wish I could think of something romantic to post today.. or even a more erotic picture..

Instead this is an everyday picture.. my hair, post shower.

I remember better days, better Valentine's Days... You would jump into the shower with me.. help me shampoo my hair.. I would shave you, being careful of your upper lip and the planes of your face. Then both of us washing each other up....

Those days are gone, I suspect.

Valentines Schmalentines

Do I want the Jewel flowers and cards?

Do I want the fake sentiments that come with this holiday?

I want to be kissed like I am wanted, desired even. I want a fire started in me that spreads throughout my body until I am melted...liquid with longing. Whispers urging me to wantonness that I share with you, my lover...

Observed in Vegas

All right...

I know that I am like an innocent abroad when it comes to this sort of thing...

But when I was at dinner last night at Delmonico's Steakhouse (which was exceptionally tasty, I might add) I observed the oddest group of diners.

Two couples that appeared to be in their fifties or sixties, who seemed to be from Iowa or Minnesota if my midwestern radar is accurate. and their dining companion. A bleached blonde chick in her late thirties wearing pleather hot pants and vest, thigh high fishnets and high heeled boots.

WTF?

I thought that you didn't need to take a hooker to dinner?

Does this make sense to anyone? Can you explain it to me?

HNT-48, A New Boob

No,

Sorry,

It is the old boob... but both my boobs have a new lease on life as of this morning. Since they got the all clear I have been much more relaxed...

I suppose that I should have had more faith... my birthday was earlier this week and is the feast day of St. Agatha, patron saint of bellfounders; breast cancer; breast disease; Catania, Sicily; martyrs; nurses; Palermo, Sicily; rape victims; torture victims; wetnurses; and Zamarramala, Spain

please notice the breast elements. See, St. Agatha is said to have refused the advances of a Roman prefect and was tortured.. by having her breasts cut off and presented to her on a silver platter... I used to think it was weird. Now I hope it is a talisman. She certainly helped me out today.

While this painting (by Giovanni Battista Tiepolo, The martyrdom of Saint Agatha) is lovely, it is not really appropriate for a HNT submission.. so I am including something more appropriate. This is me post test shot... with a marker indicating where one of my bilateral lumps is located.

NOW! OFF TO VEGAS!,

And the answer is?

Fibroadenoma!!!!

Multiple and bilateral (which according to the radiologist is a GOOD thing)

Yes, folks I am pendulous and lumpy! WHEE!

(This by the way is not my boob... it just plays it on this blog... but trust me, this is very similar to what I was looking at this morning)

Now that I can stop worrying about this.. I can concentrate on my birthday trip to VEGAS!

When I was told about it, I have to admit that I initially thought is was like one of those Make-A Wish trips...

PK wouldn't ever take me there and then suddenly he was.. it seemed suspicious.. but we are still going .. staying at the Venetian.. I even have dinner reservations already.. WHEE!

I hate losing track of time...

but I missed HNT this week. In all fairness, I wasn't prepared for it.

In fact, I was consumed with the kids school projects. Lately it has been one major report after another. This is (for the most part) the family tree that Thera put together for her class... I did add some additional foliage to fill in the family names.

In other news, I have been informed that I need to have additional test related to my mammogram. A friend of mine tells me that there is probably no reason to worry.. that they did the same thing when she went for her first mammogram.. but I can't help but worry... While they are reporting no observed calcifications tget apparently observed multiple masses in both breasts. Lets hope that I am just lumpy.

HNT-47

Well another week, another trauma.

This week's was my first mammogram.

Ultimately, it was more scary to think about in advance than to have. I had heard that they squish your breasts pretty badly and friends of mine have complained about this. I think that mine must be a little more flexible.. since they squished up nicely...

They needed to mark various spots on me... a scar that I had from the removal of a lump that I had removed years ago (completely benign) and oddly enough my nipples that kept getting squished under the rest of my boobs....

So I present to you.... The leftovers from my mammogram.

And now the really scary part... waiting for the results!

Breasts released from Bondage

I wish.

But today I have my first mammogram.

I am not really looking forward to this, although I am sure it won't be nearly as bad as I am building it up to be. And by the end of the day I will be relaxed, relieved and happy....

Until then I have my pix of the most torture the girls have experienced to date! In this picture, I am almost able to breathe again...

Release the hounds!

I have been walking on the new treadmill lately...

Sadly, this is not just as easy as stupping on the machine and starting to walk. See, these tits of mine must be supported. And traditionally, when I work out I need at least two bras... a standard lift and separate version and then the boob squeezing sports bra version.

And then I found it....

The perfect workout bra... The Enell bra...

Sure, you are looking at it and thinking... Holy crap! That thing looks at medievel.. and you would be right. I think that the folks that engineered this thing were actually formally members of the Inquisition...

But it does its job. NOTHING. and I mean N O T H I N G... moves when I am wearing this bra.

Hell, I can barely breathe.

So when I am done, I indulge in a ritual that I call, "Releasing the hounds" Over the next couple of nights I will post the hounds pix so you can see what I mean....

More?

Jeez.... after weeks of having only bi-monthly interest in me, or even sex in general, the PK needed another bite at the apple (so to speak). Rather, and more correctly, I was taste the forbidden fruit this time...

We didn't get started too late... 9:30 or so...

Me between his legs again.. sucking and sucking and sucking and sucking and sucking and sucking and sucking and sucking...

Wholly cripes.... 45 minutes and still he is not cumming... I take longer than three minutes and I get the, "Is everything ok?"

I should him my feet... toes pointed, feet flexed... Nothing.

I might have slowed the process down when a long hair (from my head, thank you very much) got stuck deep in my throat hitting my gag reflex big time... Back in the days that I was reproducing, I was able to deal with this better... now, that I have ended those days.. hey, the kids are 10 and 12... my old gagging issues are back... and yes that means that I need to pull out the waterpik again.. because my toothbrush will set it off too... I am non-specific in my gagging.

Still, the final try was the 'show me your ass" portion of the evening. Up it goes into the air... and I expected the gentle playing that usually accompanies this activity.. instead I got the hard THRUST! of a finger deep into my ass. GGGR. yow.

well ok... in he is.. whew... But then he was pulling my asscheeks apart... FUCK! What the hell is that! Go EASY!!!

cripes. yikes. oww...

after a couple of more minutes he finally recognized he was going no where... We would stop until this morning.

Which we did.. And in 5 minutes? I had a veritable fountain...

Oh but how my ass hurts...

My Bloginality....

My Bloginality is ENFP!!!

Pheromones?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

HNT-46 Naked Depression

And another argument with PK...

So many topics to choose from... Tonights option? Asha's report card. Why? Well, she is a smart talented girl, who puts no effort into anything in life. So long as she is popular and pretty she will make no effort...

PK can't bear to see her sad... which is pretty much the problem. He never learned to distinguish sad from willful.

After being criticized by the brat and her father-protector (Any wonder she calls me a whore on a regular basis) and getting her selfish butt into bed, I have indulged in a cocktail....

$410.10

I saw this over at Os's this afternoon and decided to play along...How did I do fine-wise? More than Princess Di and less than Madonna?

Here is how to play:

Look at this list. Add up the fines associated with the crimes and give your total.

Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know -- $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Peed in the pool -- $0.50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

What do I need?

I don't know anymore. PK has been very sweet. He took me on a date for the first time in years and later we laughed over one of the kids social studies projects. A good weekend, over all, but I am still unhappy.

I don' t know if it is our sex life, which I still am finding unsatisfying, or it is me feeling controlled. The sex part is simple. Within two minutes of waking up, before I can go to the bathroom and splash water in my face or pee, I get the request, "Can I have a blow job?". There is not kiss, no caress, no sweet words. This is typical. I run to the bathroom. Brush my teeth. Wash up a bit in case he is interested in more than my mouth then climb between his legs from the foot of the bed and service him. He loves my blowjobs. So much, he prefers them to any other kind of sex. Of course, after he cums he isn't ready to return the favor. Now it is time to get up and get ready for the day.

As he gets up up and starts to dress, I rub my fingers over my hardened nipples, enjoying the feeling of the softness of the cashmere from my nightgown against my heated nubbins. I then reach lower for the wetness between my legs and rub my clit. I close my eyes and imagine a lover whispering in my ear. He tells me how much he wants me, that he finds me beautiful and sexy and how he will show me with his hands, mouth.... his entire body. This is what I need. What I crave.

The desire for this is so strong, that it makes my body blossom with a beauty of the intensity of a jubilee of cerise florescence....after the explosive glory, and the petals scattered on the wind until the tree was bare until the next vernal season....

Is this normal? Will this pass? Is this a natural part of a marriage?

Closer to me?

Why do birds suddenly appear every time I am near?

Well the birds I have never noticed before, but I have noticed that everytime I try to step into the bathroom, someone from this household has to follow me.

Today for instance, I look at PK and say, "What is our schedule this morning... I need to take a shower, should I take it before or after I drop you off?" Well sure, it turns out that I have plenty of time now...so in I go... naked, wet, and ultimately trapped in the shower.

"Hey, I have to use the bathroom, you don't mind, do you?" Ughhh.

Ummm, yes? That is probably why I asked about time to use the shower. But there I was stuck with the stench. Now, I am not trying to be superior. I am just saying, that I specifically asked if I had time for a shower that is generally considered to be a solo event, that one experiences in some peace.

I don't know if barging into the shower is is considered an act of intimacy, but I am feeling the strain of my lack of privacy.

Waiting for you

HNT-45

On a chilly evening a gal likes to put on her silk and cashmere nightgown... Doesn't it look cozy?

Gee, you are in a good mood

That was what I heard this afternoon.

What is wrong with that I asked.

Nothing, you just seem to be in a particularly good mood is all. Ahh , that Thera... No getting anything past her.

Of course, this is their first day back to school. The first time in weeks I haven't had to spend the day with husbands, kids and inlaws fighting about what needed to be done (or where one couldn't smoke, not that helped me in anyway). A day for being able to think again. To try to feel the parts of me that had to be ignored, to the extent that had thought they had died.

But

They did not.

With a gentle touch they came to life.

Here are resolutions I should keep!

It is assumed of me anyway...

In the year 2007 I resolve to: Become a slut. Get your resolution here.

In the year 2007 I resolve to: Wear more lacy black lingerie. Get your resolution here.

In the year 2007 I resolve to: Be kinky more often. Get your resolution here.

There is HOPE

2007 is looking up!

Ok.. we went to our favorite mexican place for dinner....

they had a d.j.

It was a ton of fun.

I danced a ton, either with my father, with Thara, or with PK...

Near midnight, I went out to catch some air an heard from Asha that she was not having fun... in fact, I was the problem that she was having...

Her chief problem was that I was dancing like a whore.

So there I am, dissed again by this kid. I go back in and start to cry. Everyone was very kind, pointing out that adolescents by definition are vicious creatures. It was nice? Yes. Did it make me feel better? No.

I know this is wrong, but I just want somebody to be so appalled by what she says to me, that they slap her. This will never happen. Everyone says that I should just suck it up and show some character. As if I am not Quasi-fucking-modo at this point. Sigh.

Shortly after 1 or so, I realized that I couldn't take it any more. I needed to go home. So I went to the bar to cash us out. As I was waiting, I noticed a guy standing there waiting for a drink. I looked over at him and smiled and wished him a Happy New Year. And for some reason, uncharacteristic of me, I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. The kind that perfect strangers might give each on New Years Eve... but still it was unusual for me.

What happened then was even more unusual. The man looked at me, told me that I was beautiful and leaned over and kissed my lips, gently slipping his tongue into my mouth. Then he wished me a happy New Year and walked away. I payed our bill and we left. For me, 2007, was finally looking up.

When I woke up in the morning, I discovered a text message from Asha apologizing for her rudeness and disrespect.

I guess there is hope after all.

Happy New Year!

Well, we at Chez Lushly are off to celebrate the New Year at a party at our favorite Mexican place.. I would tell you which one, but it is crowded enought these days...

I have purposely selected a top that I know looks good on me that PK hates. Unfortunately for him, as I stepped out of the bedroom my girls "Ooohed" and rushed to tell me how pretty the top looked on me. I kind of knew that.. I had worn it out previously... at that time I wore it to dinner and had two gentlemen watch me during the entire meal... ahhh good times. Here it is when I wore it initially.... and my description of his attitude.

The kids have convinced me to let them spend the night after the festivities with my folks...

That means that I am going to get the full court press from PK for sex. Which I still don't feel like...

Well, that isn't true.. I want to have sex... I don't want to have it with him. Since he makes me feel so lousy about myself... lately when I do consent, I feel more like a whore than you can imagine.

Here is my wish.

You all spend the evening with someone that you love or even just want, who makes you feel good about yourself.

and that I can get out of this lousy feeling and be with someone who makes me feel like a beautiful, desirable woman.

Happy New Year!

sex and the preteen daughter

I know I have posted under this title before but this time te subject is slightly different. As I have mentioned before I have two daughters, Asha and Thara. Both are good girls who are growing up fast. Asha faster than I would hope.

She is not quite 12 but already attracts the attention of grown men and teenage boys when she walks down the street. She has been uncomfortable about these changes as you would expect, but completely aware of how hot she is.

Unfortunately, she assumes that everyone sees her for what she is... an 11 year old girl who is too physically mature for her own good and safety. See, like all kids her age she craves freedom. The kind of freedom that I had when I was her age. And I wish I could give it to her. I wish I could send her off on the bus and let her explore Chicago to her hearts content. But we know more about the world these days. (I refuse to say that it is a different world, I think that these things always exsisted we just covered them up)

I have on occasion allowed her to go with friends to the park. The last time, she decided to wander around the neighborhood with her friends.. I think they covered 5 miles of territory. The worst part is that she ended up at the home of a classmate. A boy. Now, don't get me wrong, Quito is a nice boy. His parents seem to be raising him well.. but he is a boy. And like Asha, is a bit too mature for his age.

You know what that sounds like to me?

TROUBLE.

When I picked Asha up I discovered that the Quito's parents were not at home.

Now, I am sure that this was a completely innocent outing. And nothing happened.

But, she cannot be allowed to go to hang out with boys at their homes without their parents home to supervise.

When I pointed this out to Asha she got very upset. "What did I think was going to happen? That she and Quito were going to have sex??"

She was even more angry when I pointed out that she wouldn't be the only pregnant 11 year old in Chicago.

There has to be some way to explain this to her without potentially calling her a slut (which I didn't)... But how?

You must be joking

I couldn't believe it when I heard it last night...

PK: "Maybe over the next day or so, we could have sex?"

What?

Me: "For the last week, at every opportunity to let me know that I am lazy, stupid, vindictive and ugly ... and that was FOREPLAY?

Um... let me think.

NO!"

Was that the end of it?

No, this morning I got the caress that usually accompanies the request for not quite awake sex...

PK: "Want to fool around?"

I thought to myself, "Didn't you understand me last night? NO."

Me: "Yesterday, you treated me as if I were an idiot incapable of dressing herself, Monday you told me to get over a wrong you did me that you never even tried to correct and Sunday, while you were sitting on your ass watching football, you complained that I was holding you up by taking to long to cook... Oh and I made you dinner that night too..." "Why would any of these things lead me to want to make love?"

PK: "Well you tell me when things don't look good on me"

Me: "When you ask for my opinion... Your's was unsolicited"

PK: "You would want me to tell you the truth!"

Me: "Why can you only hurt my feelings and make me feel lower than dirt when you 'tell the truth'?"


Good thing we are make progress in communication, eh?

How stupid am I?

Apparently not smart enough to pick out an outfit on my own.

This is the outfit that I picked out for myself today... Surprisingly they were items picked out by PKs parents.

Of course, PK decided that I looked like a little old lady getting on the plane when you are in a hurry... You know the type? She and her husband of 80 years are wearing matching sweatsuits...

I am so tired of being treated like an idiot who is incapable of the simplest acts. I was online with a friend when the order to change my clothes came in. The questions that I got?

Will it cause a fight if I don't change: yes
Is it worth the fight? I don't know? What level of identity remains to me? If I am not deemed capable of dressing myself is there really any pointing in trying to pretend that I am a human grownup? What is next?

And what is the point of changing? Because he will find me more attractive? Hardly. That is an issue as dead as my self-esteem these days.

So what do I do? stay and be an idiot? or leave and be the same idiot with half the money and 4 times the pressure.

Do I pray for my husband's early demise so that hopefully I will be left as a widow with the basis to get back on her feet? And really what good will that do me? Since chances are he is driving me to an early grave. And then I will just be alone anyway. Left to suffer the fate I anticipate for myself... left to die alone and found 3 days later my brain having liquified and poured out of my nose and ear cavities and left as carrion for the dog, cat and flies to feast on...

Choices, choices...

A Question for Solomon.... or Os

I certainly don't know what to think anymore.

Once upon a time, LushlyMe sat in the back row, like Os. She had her own trombone that she got from a friend who had given it up... her instrument was old. The friend's family sold it to her family for a paltry sum... even by 1970's standards. It was old. The wrong color (rose brass), had an etched pattern on it that was like no other trombone that she had seen, kind of like this one, pictured... and it had a strange looking case. It was a rectangular cube... no indication of a bell and had a woven leather handle. Lushlyme thought this sucked, as it bit into the tender flesh of her hand. But such was life. It was hers.

Until her new husband, the Porn King, loaned her instrument to his former college room mate. Johnny was auditioning for Second City and though other, closer friends also played the trombone, those friends were using theirs at the time.

Can you guess what happened? Lushlyme's instrument was never returned. And though she has begged and pleaded that her PK implore his friend for its return.. those pleas have fallen on deaf ears. She even tracked the boy down and asked for the return of the trombone... and while the boy claimed that he would check at his parents house for the item, he never called back and never has been in town long enough for Lushlyme to track down again.

Now sadly at Christmas my father at the end of Christmas dinner, while discussing PK's Christmas gift from me, a Les Paul guitar, mentioned that we could now start a band... One daughter plays the guitar and the saxophone, another, the violin and clarinet, PK, the accordian and now the guitar and me? Well I could play my trombone. When I pointed out the impossibility of that, given the loss of my trombone was when the fun started.

See, PK doesn't want me to talk about my loss. He doesn't want me to talk about how, when or where. He wants me to "Get Over It". Now, I could. If he tried to get my trombone back and his friend Johnny said, "Dude, I am so sorry it got crushed, stolen, lost or hocked" I would have my closure. But I don't get that. I get, "Get over it" Which by the way is NOT in my nature.

So what happened? I wish I could say that I was drunk and things got out of hand... but I wasn't. And an argument broke out. The kind where everyone in my family argues at me to not upset the PK as he is the founder of our feast (to use a Dickensian term) and that just pissed me off more.

The fact that I got no support from my parents made me more upset. More than I can possibly describe. And as I got more upset and my language became more raw, my father-in-law reminded me of how and why I should mind my "Ps and Qs". In that tone of voice he uses to talk to idiots... or his own wife.

Well, I just exploded.

Not being a child, I pointed out that my use of language was none of his business. What did this get me? Well of course, The Porn King rushed to his father's defense. No one! NO ONE, even me, is allowed to speak THAT way to his father.

My older daughter can call me a whore with impunity but me telling his father to mind his own business is considered out of bounds in our family.

Charming, eh?

So near as I can tell here is the score card for the holiday:

No trombone.
No respect.
No loyalty.

Can someone describe to me why other than sheer stubbornness or masochism I am still here?

HNT-44 My Favorite HNT

As it turns out, the picture that was my favorite in 2006, I failed to post in HNT... What a dolt I am. Fortunately some of you did see it. And even though it is not in keeping with the rules, I am including it in my posting for today. I liked this picture because of the way the light is reflected and shadowed. Also, even though I would generally be uncomfortable showing so much of my body, the water was soothing and relaxing.

My favorite HNT posting was more recent and taken by my daughter who is a budding photographer... After looking at this picture I decided not to change my haircut. For now anyway...

From the Mouths of Babes

Here is the poem that my daughter wrote me for Christmas:

Lie is full of risks.
Take all of them.
Or as much as you can.
If you don't take them,
You will regret it.

So take a chance.
Live your life as you want.
Or regret your life.
Take the risk.
Live your life now!

Sometimes that girl is so insightfull that it scares me.

Of course, this just made me miserable the rest of the day and got me into trouble when I refused to let go of a wrong done to me later on...

Sigh.

All I want for Christmas

is for some one to slowly and methodically lick my clit until I cum so hard that I weep with relief...

Is that really too much to ask for?

I didn't think so either, and yet, I won't get it...

My wild weekend?

My apologies to Smooth Brad for the lateness of this posting..

Sadly my computer gave me nothing but trouble last week and this week too, in truth, and I have had difficulty posting virtually anything. Sigh.

The party that I attended was a delightful affair. I was particularly pleased with my dress... which I wore for the first time. One of the party attendees, a woman I have known for 20 or so years and dresses impressively in Chanel and St. John almost all of the time, complimented me on the beauty of the lace of my new frock. This was delightful to me.

Overall, it was a lovely evening of fine food, clever people and lots of tasty cocktails. All in all, a good time.

The next day, I got a very late start for my weekend. Why? The PK kept creating obstacles. No surprise there, I suppose.

Eventually I got downtown and checked into the hotel.

I got to my room and found two things.

A. I had no bathtub (a secondary issue)

and

B. I had no internet access. I couldn't even catch a bit of spare wi-fi...

In other words... a disaster.

Better yet? My cell phone battery was low and I forgot the charger in my haste.

I hadn't had high expectations for the night, but they just dropped exponentially... with the speed of pyroclastic blast down Mt. St. Helens fast and disaster wise. Truth be told, a friend of mine talked me into posting an ad on CL to see if I could find someone to hang out with. I have never done that before and figured at least I would be amused watching people in the bar wondering if anyone was looking for me.. ultimately the majority of the men that responded to my ad (before it was blocked as if I was offering prostitution services... this should have been my first warning of trouble to come) didn't pay the slightest attention to what I wrote... a couple that did, weren't interested in me once they discovered what I looked like... ultimately I figured that the chances were slim to none that anyone would be tempted by or be considered tempting by me. Still, I liked the possibility that I could be the kind of woman to be picked up in a bar... a sense that there was something of a temptress about me.

Instead. I spent the evening out of communication with the world with no tub to soak, cry and drink overly priced minibar chardonnay in. And yes, I know that sentence is wrong grammatically and I don't care.

I did go down to the bar. I took a book.. so that I didn't look totally pitiful, ate some lovely hors d'oeuvres and drank not the overly oaked aforementioned chardonnay but instead a fairly decent cheap pinot grigio. There were virtually no men there alone and the one that I saw, I discovered the next day was married.. no wonder I couldn't make eye contact... or maybe I just suck at it.

Ultimately, I left the bar, found my way back to my room and masturbated wildly while trying to imagine what I might have done had I had access to my computer to do something truly naughty... or I might have been thinking about what the guys from Myth Busters would look like naked and mid-orgasm. And yes, I get to keep to myself which Myth Buster I was fantasizing about the most.

Saturday, I was finally not alone, joined by my best friend who sadly for me is moving to Connecticut at the end of the week. Yes, I realize how much that sucks.. and yes, I realize that my life is descending into a suck fest. We did have a good day, having lunch, massages and then dinner out at Butter.

We loved our dinner and failed to behave like typical girls having a spritzer and a salad and instead feasted on the white truffle tasting menu and included the wine pairings. It was an amazing meal with excellent liquor and then we were invited back to the kitchen to meet the Chef, Ryan Poli and his staff.

We rolled back to the hotel and went to bed. Kind of sad, really. Sigh.

And that Brad was that. Sorry to disappoint.

HNT-43

It is a wrinkly, bloated day in the Christmas tree forest... Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday! and Happy Holidays... and if you insist on something more specific? Happy past Eid, past Diwali, Chanukah and Christmas... forgive me if I missed out on any religion...

HNT-42

I am getting excited.. Tomorrow I am off to a holiday party...

Then Friday I will be celebrating a weekend sans famille...Friday I will be alone... I have done this before, I go to a hotel spend some time at the bar where I am ignored then retire to my room. There I masturbate, dreaming of a tongue and teeth gently pulling on my nipple and a voice hoarsely instructing me to lift my hips higher as I roll my swollen, wet clit between my middle and index fingers. I will keep those fingers wet, not damp, as I swirl around and around my sensitive nub until I cry out... as the electricity jolting my body fades, I will rewet my fingers and reapply them to my body.. bringing me to the edge, then plummetting over again and again.

Is this as good as sharing with another human? God, no. But it is what I can depend on. Myself.

Memeing my sex life...

I saw this meme over at the Virgin Slut... and it made me laugh... so I thought I would play too.. Here are the rules:

-Copy this entire list into your blog/journal
-Bold everything that is true about you.
-Leave alone anything that is false about you.
-Place an asterisk by anything that you would like to be true about you.

I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.
I have blindfolded someone during sex.
I have had sex while watching porn.
I have had sex while surfing porn on the internet.
I sleep better after sex.
There are some nights when I can’t sleep without sex or masturbating.
The bed is Not my favourite place to have sex.
I get turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.
I have masturbated for someone over a webcam.
I have had sex over a webcam.
I will have sex with someone I just met if he/she turns me on.*
I have been tied up during sex.
I have had sex with someone who was tied up.
I have dripped hot wax on a lover’s body.
I have had a lover drip hot wax on my body.
I have a foot fetish.
I have a leather fetish.
I have a tickle fetish.
I like being choked during sex.
I have had sex in a burning building.
I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.*
I enjoy nudie magazines.
Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.
I think PlayBoy is tame, maybe even boring. (that being said, I must keep my preteens from discovering it quite yet.. )
I have clicked on porn links in my email.
I know the difference between girl/girl and lesbian sex in porn.
I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn film.
Much of what I know about sex comes from porn.
Interracial sex turns me on.
I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex.
I would participate in sex research if given the opportunity. (it would be for science after all... )
My current lover does not meet my sexual needs.(which one? ;-) )
I currently have a crush on someone of the same sex.
I have had sex at my place of employment.
I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships.
Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac.*
I am difficult to live with if I’m not having sex on a regular basis.
I sleep better with someone curled up next to me.
I have had sex underwater.
I have had sex in the snow.
I have had sex outdoors.
I have had sex in a public place or where I might have been discovered.
I have had sex in a bathroom stall. (I am too loud)
I have had sex in a car.
I am in a polyamorous relationship.*
I have to have music playing during sex. (how about just liking it...)
I have had more than 10 orgasms in one night.*
I have flashed strangers.
I have given sex as a gift.
I have set-up a three-way for my lover.
I stopped during this list to have sex.*
All day I dream about sex.

Never Forget