HNT - 92

Ok... t he last couple of weeks have sucked. Beside being in a technology nightmare (I am trying to create an actual website and I am a tech moron) I still have to deal with this walking hormone that I call a daughter. To say that I came close to a stroke yesterday would be an understatement...

That is why I am posting this picture.

From more innocent days.

My high school yearbook in fact.

I thought Os might enjoy it.

Is it supposed to be this hard?

This mothering of teen age daughter crap is for the birds. Is it normal for you 13 year old daughter supposed to be picked up by the police for graffittiing a public park?

I didn't think so.


Of course your average 13 year old girl isn't supposed to have a shrink, call her mother a whore or come close to flunking out of the 7th grade.

I am horrified.

Luckily the shrink seems as mystified as I am. Otherwise I would think I was insane.

HNT-91

I saw this over at Poppy Cede's... Obviously, I can't restrain myself... But then it is perfect HNT! Obviously, you should follow the bouncing boobs!

Please go see Os for much classier submissions than mine.

Ranting again.

Am I crazy?

Am I living in an ivory tower (a favorite excuse from my family as I am the only one of the four year college degree and a Masters! be still my beating heart) because I think that I deserve to be cuddled and romanced for longer than 5 minutes more than five minutes before you want to stick your penis into my mouth?

Could it hurt to say something nice to me? I make you excited? You like me? You aren't planning on vomiting on me?

And by wanting this, NAY, needing it... does that really make me self-involved? or having a basic level of standards.

Oh and I just saw that PK was on his secret yahoo account. I sent him an IM and he ignored me. So clearly, he is on the prowl for more porn. I guess I can't blame him. I told him that I don't want to have sex with him although I still want to have sex. Like that will happen. But still, I am he considered it a blow that I have decided not to follow his every instruction.


blah... I am out of vodka. I am gong to bed.

Inadequate me

Well I fucked up again.

I worked my ass off today, but I still got it wrong.

But it turns out that that everything is wrong, or that I am self involved.

I reached out for love and discovered I am still not living up to my potential and no one can stand me when I am struggling.

I rejected sex, not because I have no physical need, but because I demand more for myself and found myself berated as thinking "everything should be about you" or me in that case.

I reached for friendship and found myself labelled as overly involved in my children's lives because I care whether they excel and try to support them.

I tried to be a good daughter and found that it is lovely that I make my inadequate efforts, but they are not enough to make up for what my mother has lost.

Rejected all around. Why can't I be loved for myself? My idiosyncracies and inadequacies. Isn't that what love is supposed to be? I thought so. Hope for someone to overcome, encouragement, but love and understanding when they are human.

Am I not a human and no one told me? it must be so... since I fail so many people so often and they feel compelled to tell me.

HNT-90

Yes, I have been off for a while.. I didn't quit HNT or even blogging (although I loved Os's post about that subject). I was sick. again.

I think I have been sick all winter. And I am tired of it.

I also realized that I am relying far too much on my nipples to get me through the HNT process. Now, I realize you are saying to yourself, "Come on! We love the nipples" I understand. I love the nipples too. And they are still here. Hell, I even took a shot of them this evening. And really? it was a lovely shot. I just thought I would go with something a little different.

So here it is...

The lips.

I think they look kind of kissable. I like kissing. I have even been told that I am pretty good at it. Sigh.

What is wrong with my brain?

Why does this look like a giant wad of jizz on the floor of my shower?

I really need to get some..

really.

When will I ever feel better?

I don't know what is wrong with me.

I am sick again/still...

I don't know. I thought I was better. But here I am again... coughing up my lung.

And why?

Damned if I know. But I know that I am feeling depressed again. I am not entirely certain if it is because I am sick or I am sick because I am depressed. I just know there is a strong correlation in me between health and happiness.

Maybe it is the lack of sex that is making me sick. or love. or touch. That is certainly harder for me to calculate. I have had all three... sometimes together sometimes apart. They always made me feel better than I feel currently.

The question is how can you go out into the world and seek those things that you are missing when you have teenagers and preteens that you trying to set an example for. You certainly can't have a lover and try to explain to your child why she shouldn't have sex. Or explain that her father isn't part of a satisfying sex life for me. But then, how did I get to the point that I have children at this age and not sex, love, touch or respect.

Blah... time for more Niquil.

Maybe the answers will come in my fevered dreams.

Or at least soothe me with memories of desire glowing in your eyes as you gave me that little smile/smirk at still makes my heart catch when I think of it. I will dream of falling asleep in your arms and you laughing at me me because I chatter (in my sleep) and drool all night long.

I wish so much everything could be different and i could be in your arms again.