Valentines, sex and marriage

I continue to be demoralized by the reaction to the Valentine's card that I sent the Porn King. In fact the who situation continues to depress the living shit out of me.

To recap: The Porn King went out of town for work V-Day.

I slipped a card into his bag... A card that I cried while I wrote out... Saying that I missed having him as a friend and lover and to please come back to me....

That evening the reaction I got was, "Thanks for the card". This made me cry more. No further comment has made me feel more wretched than I have in a while. Unwanted, unloved, an emotional burden that he would rather not undertake.

Thursday, he takes me to lunch... after about half a margarita.. I get up the nerve to ask the question.... "Soooo, any other thoughts about the card?" Well, according to him, he was touched and moved but he didn't think that we should discuss it further at that moment... Why? Well, I admit I can get maudlin when discussing this dying relationship. Throw a margarita into the mix... I am likely to be downright weepy. But I can't help myself.

I remember the old days. When we were in love. When we relied on each other and needed each other's company. When we woke up in each other's arms. Then we had the kids. And since then, our lives have separated. He works and travels. When he gets home, he is Fun Daddy. Fun Daddy helps the kids get past the rules of Mean Mommy. Mean Mommy has to deal with homework and practice and chores and bedtimes and rules. Fun Daddy is about movies and the shopping trips to the mall.

But it has taken its toll. Now, we have nothing to discuss but the kids and chores. We don't go anywhere without our girls. We virtually have no time together anywhere without them. The kids are with us from the moment we awaken in the morning until virtually we are asleep. We are even planning a trip to Hawaii with them.

I can't help resent the position that I have been put into here. I am not respected but either child or father. I am stuck dealing with anything left to be done here in the house that anyone else wants to skip. Domestic responsibilites are my mine job. The lines are drawn and can't be crossed because that would require discussion; coordination. And we don't do that.

I am between a rock and a hard place. Begging for little bits of help, respect, kindness, sex. And I am so tired of begging.

Figleaf recently, had a great post about mismatched libido and I have been thinking about that alot lately. But I know that in my case it is a symptom of more than just a sexual disfunction. It is more about a schism in a marriage that requires more than just compromise about how often to be intimate.

In the meantime, I sit waiting for him to bring up the subject today. I have come to realize that a marriage can't be kept alive by one person alone. And he relies on me to handle these kinds of domestic matters. And I just can't push any further. If he doesn't care enough, doesn't love me enough, what can I do? I can't make him do it.