I have been working hard on trying to let go of anger when dealing with PK.
Marriage counseling is helping... After initially being irritated that the therapist seemed to take everything PK said at face value, I have since noted that she is essentially directing him to behave better... which so far he does. Will I be able to let go all my anger? Who knows. But not being at each other's throats makes life more pleasant around here.
On the other hand he shouldn't be so stupid as to suggest I talk dirty to him while we are playing around... When I express that part of me, he uses it against me. and frankly, I can't figure out the lines between good naughty wife and bad naughty wife and you whore.
So don't even go there, asshat.
Clearly, I have more work to do...
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Kali Strikes Again
The irony of being accused of cheating on my husband by my 14 year old is not lost on me.
She has called me a whore for the last two years...
Now I am disloyal.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This man allows anyone to speak ill of me to my own face without a word to them about it...
And I am disloyal.
I feel like I am imploding.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
My Bad
When I started this blog, it was my intention to explore my inner goddess...
I was thinking the goddess would be Aphrodite.
It turns out it my inner goddess is more like Kali.
Everything I touch is destroyed.
More and more I think that she should be bricked into some cave... so she causes no more trouble.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Screwed Over Again
Today was supposed to be my day to myself.
I wouldn't be able to go anywhere because they were taking the car... but I could have a quiet day, to putter... find some release from the tensions of my life... I am being literal there.. I am too stressed for metaphor.
But then. The Teen wouldn't go.
She didn't feel good.
She never feels good. She is always starving herself so she doesn't have to be fat like me. I pointed out that she would not be allowed to pester me, ask to go places, beg about her newly broken phone or otherwise for money. Also, she would not be able to use my or PKs computers because where she types? Viruses and trojan horses follow.
So what did I get?
She stayed home.
She begged for money to buy things.
She whined about her newly broken phone.
She bitched about not being able to use her father's computer.
She interrupted as I tried to write spec pieces for my new "car
I wouldn't be able to go anywhere because they were taking the car... but I could have a quiet day, to putter... find some release from the tensions of my life... I am being literal there.. I am too stressed for metaphor.
But then. The Teen wouldn't go.
She didn't feel good.
She never feels good. She is always starving herself so she doesn't have to be fat like me. I pointed out that she would not be allowed to pester me, ask to go places, beg about her newly broken phone or otherwise for money. Also, she would not be able to use my or PKs computers because where she types? Viruses and trojan horses follow.
So what did I get?
She stayed home.
She begged for money to buy things.
She whined about her newly broken phone.
She bitched about not being able to use her father's computer.
She interrupted as I tried to write spec pieces for my new "car
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Losing it
My FIL is here for the holidays. And it is stressful.. In fact extra stressful. Since PK is out of work and we are near a breaking point.
Having someone who insists that his schedule is the only one that counts is irritating.
He puts the news paper on the floor in front of the garbage can because that is what he does at home. It doesn't matter that I have a recycling bin.
He talks about the quantity and quality of the food that I make. He doesn't eat these things.
He wants the fruit out on the counter... I am tired of watching it go bad.
He brought his laptop that he can't manage to use and complains that nothing works the way it does at home.
He double checks every single thing that I do. If I tell him how to sort dry beans.... he has to look it up to verify it. VERIFY IT! or he is trying to assure me that I am correct. either way it isn't good.
It is driving me crazy.
I feel bad because he is a widower, but this crap has been going on for 20 years... so my patience is running thin.
Oh, and I haven't had sex with an actual person in about three months. sigh. and have no prospect. sigh again.
At least I get the day almost alone tomorrow. If you count the always irritated teenager who will bitch because she has broken yet another phone.... Another day of silent masturbation for me. Yeah. meh.
Having someone who insists that his schedule is the only one that counts is irritating.
He puts the news paper on the floor in front of the garbage can because that is what he does at home. It doesn't matter that I have a recycling bin.
He talks about the quantity and quality of the food that I make. He doesn't eat these things.
He wants the fruit out on the counter... I am tired of watching it go bad.
He brought his laptop that he can't manage to use and complains that nothing works the way it does at home.
He double checks every single thing that I do. If I tell him how to sort dry beans.... he has to look it up to verify it. VERIFY IT! or he is trying to assure me that I am correct. either way it isn't good.
It is driving me crazy.
I feel bad because he is a widower, but this crap has been going on for 20 years... so my patience is running thin.
Oh, and I haven't had sex with an actual person in about three months. sigh. and have no prospect. sigh again.
At least I get the day almost alone tomorrow. If you count the always irritated teenager who will bitch because she has broken yet another phone.... Another day of silent masturbation for me. Yeah. meh.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
An Update
I know that I haven't been posting. I am trying to decide what I am going to do with my life.... but in the meantime, I have going to marriage counseling, trying not to panic about the PK being out of work and having intense and strange dreams.
Today after the same themes emerged three days in a row in my dreams I thought I would double check their meanings:
Being Chased: An indication of overall anxiety
Riding a Horse: Horse itself represents strength, power, virility and sexual prowess. Riding it indicates a position of power.
Being betrayed by a lover: Suspicion about a relationship or just plain feeling sorry for myself
Seeing the Dead Horse: Something that offered me strength is gone.
Being attacked: Feeling vulnerable.
Being injured by swords or knives: Being the victim of masculine control
Having sex: (A long lost dream?) Repressed sexuality...
So basically, things are still crazy here...
But I hope you have a Merry Christmas.
Today after the same themes emerged three days in a row in my dreams I thought I would double check their meanings:
Being Chased: An indication of overall anxiety
Riding a Horse: Horse itself represents strength, power, virility and sexual prowess. Riding it indicates a position of power.
Being betrayed by a lover: Suspicion about a relationship or just plain feeling sorry for myself
Seeing the Dead Horse: Something that offered me strength is gone.
Being attacked: Feeling vulnerable.
Being injured by swords or knives: Being the victim of masculine control
Having sex: (A long lost dream?) Repressed sexuality...
So basically, things are still crazy here...
But I hope you have a Merry Christmas.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Out of Sorts
A friend has pointed out that I have been lax posting here.
And in fact, to a certain extent I have been. The other part of me has been incredibly restrained.
I am restraining myself because I am sad. I am working hard to do the right thing... and I have no satisfaction from it.
I miss feeling loved. I know that there are different kinds of love.
Some of them I know.. some.. I have experienced.. some I am just missing
Philia: a dispassionate virtuous love, was a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality, and familiarity. Philia is motivated by practical reasons; one or both of the parties benefit from the relationship. It can also mean "love of the mind." I have that with friends.. some family... Hell... With PK.
Storge: is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring. I feel that for my girls. Sometimes, I think that my parents feel it for me. When they are not trying to show me how much more they are then me.
Xenia (ξενία xenía), hospitality, was an extremely important practice in Ancient Greece. It was an almost ritualized friendship formed between a host and his guest, who could previously have been strangers. The host fed and provided quarters for the guest, who was expected to repay only with gratitude. The importance of this can be seen throughout Greek mythology—in particular, Homer's Iliad and Odyssey. I am supremely familiar with this...something about reading the Odyssey.
Of the ancient forms of love, what I am missing is Agape and Eros. Agape is the platonic love of others... and important to any relationships. Eros? Passionate love with sensual love and longing...
Oh how I miss that... the feeling of arms wrapped around me. Support. desire. Love... Actually while I have always wished that support accompanied love, I have found myself unsure. I have no experience with it.
Desire. Oh god. How I miss it.
Looking in my eyes... holding my hands... Being with me.. Part of me....
Oh god... how I miss it.
No matter the noise around me? I am lonely. I miss you.
And in fact, to a certain extent I have been. The other part of me has been incredibly restrained.
I am restraining myself because I am sad. I am working hard to do the right thing... and I have no satisfaction from it.
I miss feeling loved. I know that there are different kinds of love.
Some of them I know.. some.. I have experienced.. some I am just missing
Philia: a dispassionate virtuous love, was a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality, and familiarity. Philia is motivated by practical reasons; one or both of the parties benefit from the relationship. It can also mean "love of the mind." I have that with friends.. some family... Hell... With PK.
Storge: is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring. I feel that for my girls. Sometimes, I think that my parents feel it for me. When they are not trying to show me how much more they are then me.
Xenia (ξενία xenía), hospitality, was an extremely important practice in Ancient Greece. It was an almost ritualized friendship formed between a host and his guest, who could previously have been strangers. The host fed and provided quarters for the guest, who was expected to repay only with gratitude. The importance of this can be seen throughout Greek mythology—in particular, Homer's Iliad and Odyssey. I am supremely familiar with this...something about reading the Odyssey.
Of the ancient forms of love, what I am missing is Agape and Eros. Agape is the platonic love of others... and important to any relationships. Eros? Passionate love with sensual love and longing...
Oh how I miss that... the feeling of arms wrapped around me. Support. desire. Love... Actually while I have always wished that support accompanied love, I have found myself unsure. I have no experience with it.
Desire. Oh god. How I miss it.
Looking in my eyes... holding my hands... Being with me.. Part of me....
Oh god... how I miss it.
No matter the noise around me? I am lonely. I miss you.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
HNT-108
Yeah, it has been one of those weeks.
I keep plugging away to get stuff down and just when I am not looking BAM!
Today I was washing dishes. Being really thorough. Cleaned out the dishwasher filter (because the girls never scrape of rinse their plates because they can't be bothered) and then ran a dishwasher cleaning product to melt away whatever hidden gunk still resided in the machine. Then I started reloading the dirty dishes and was scrubbing one of the bowls that didn't get cleaned... when it slipped out of my hand and broke. Naturally, my hand followed the shards and got cut.
It is a bendy place on the body so a weird place to put a bandaid... and a weird size for a regular bandaid about an inch long and the depth? Well, I could see the dermis and into the muscle, not deeply but deep enough. I spent quite a bit of time pinching the sides together... and by this photo, it was fine so long as I didn't move. I needed to immobilize the area. So This is how I fixed it up: Paper toweling and Pre-wrap.
For those of you have never been a or are the parentls of junior highschool girls or played volleyball or a gymnast, you have NO FUCKING IDEA what I am talking about. Pre-wrap is a thin foam athletic tape used to reinforce wrists and ankles. Mostly though girls use it for disposable headbands.
Finally! This crap has done some good.
(not that it stays put very long) ugh.
And why was I self-wrapping? Cuz nothing bad ever befalls me when PK is home. But if I need help... if I am sick or hurt you can absolutely guarantee he is out of town. Although the girls did go to Walgreens after school and get me a decent box of bandaird and an ace bandage to hold it in place. That is good news, right?
By the way? How long should I watch this thing ooze blood before I go to the hospital?
Yup. it has been a great week.
I keep plugging away to get stuff down and just when I am not looking BAM!
Today I was washing dishes. Being really thorough. Cleaned out the dishwasher filter (because the girls never scrape of rinse their plates because they can't be bothered) and then ran a dishwasher cleaning product to melt away whatever hidden gunk still resided in the machine. Then I started reloading the dirty dishes and was scrubbing one of the bowls that didn't get cleaned... when it slipped out of my hand and broke. Naturally, my hand followed the shards and got cut.
It is a bendy place on the body so a weird place to put a bandaid... and a weird size for a regular bandaid about an inch long and the depth? Well, I could see the dermis and into the muscle, not deeply but deep enough. I spent quite a bit of time pinching the sides together... and by this photo, it was fine so long as I didn't move. I needed to immobilize the area. So This is how I fixed it up: Paper toweling and Pre-wrap.
For those of you have never been a or are the parentls of junior highschool girls or played volleyball or a gymnast, you have NO FUCKING IDEA what I am talking about. Pre-wrap is a thin foam athletic tape used to reinforce wrists and ankles. Mostly though girls use it for disposable headbands.
Finally! This crap has done some good.
(not that it stays put very long) ugh.
And why was I self-wrapping? Cuz nothing bad ever befalls me when PK is home. But if I need help... if I am sick or hurt you can absolutely guarantee he is out of town. Although the girls did go to Walgreens after school and get me a decent box of bandaird and an ace bandage to hold it in place. That is good news, right?
By the way? How long should I watch this thing ooze blood before I go to the hospital?
Yup. it has been a great week.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Therapy
I am getting so tired of first therapy sessions.
Where you have to lay out the problems as you seem them and listen to your snivling husband tell his version which is based in some distorted fantasy that he want the therapist to believe.
Apparently, I am excessively negative and down on myself. That is a theory.
Or I am completely realistic and see life as it comes at me...
Tomato/Tomahtoe
I don't have time to fuck around with the pussyfooting. I have established where my mind is in this relationship. I am here for maybe a decade. I have no sense that anything will improve. But I will go to the therapy to show that I will keep trying. But I guarantee you give up first. You always do. I have married to you for almost 20 years. TRUST me. I have some observational skills.
You quit when someone suggests you might have to change your behavior.
You quit when your schedule get busy
You quit when you get irritated for any reason.
If you make it to five sessions I will eat my hat! Or better yet. I will start my escape fund. Fuck this shit.
Where you have to lay out the problems as you seem them and listen to your snivling husband tell his version which is based in some distorted fantasy that he want the therapist to believe.
Apparently, I am excessively negative and down on myself. That is a theory.
Or I am completely realistic and see life as it comes at me...
Tomato/Tomahtoe
I don't have time to fuck around with the pussyfooting. I have established where my mind is in this relationship. I am here for maybe a decade. I have no sense that anything will improve. But I will go to the therapy to show that I will keep trying. But I guarantee you give up first. You always do. I have married to you for almost 20 years. TRUST me. I have some observational skills.
You quit when someone suggests you might have to change your behavior.
You quit when your schedule get busy
You quit when you get irritated for any reason.
If you make it to five sessions I will eat my hat! Or better yet. I will start my escape fund. Fuck this shit.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Should be interesting
11 weeks and one day ago it happened.
I was pushed down and called a whore.
The next day PK said he wanted to go to therapy. And I said, "You need to set it up by yourself". Why? Because I have set up every other marriage counseling appointment. He then got to complain about the therapist. and how he didn't need fixing. Because? He is good. I am the problem. Except that wasn't what the counselors said. Not that they said that I was perfect. But they agreed that my concerns were warranted. Shocking, eh?
No, I wasn't either. In the meantime, PK has been an earthly delight. Hell! He even posted on our mutual website, which he hasn't done almost EVER, but bitches about almost constantly. He has been kind, considerate, sweet. Just to be ready for this appointment.
Naturally, we are heading to hell financially. All the money from the sale of the company is gone. Put into the house, which is still underwater and the rest frittered away by him on his need to live large. blech.
In the meantime, I guess I should be ready this appointment. Naturally, this time, I will be told how un-spouse-like I am. How I should be more supportive. and stop blogging. because relieving my stress by expressing it won't help anyone.
Really not looking forward to this.....
And if it goes the way that the other appointments have? Then PK will attend 1 or 2 before he becomes too busy, doesn't need improving, or is fine just the way his is.. and pull your ass together bitch!
In the meantime. I am afraid. and tired to being alone. and sad that I am going to have to ride this out for 6-10 more years. What if I don't have more time than that left.
I was pushed down and called a whore.
The next day PK said he wanted to go to therapy. And I said, "You need to set it up by yourself". Why? Because I have set up every other marriage counseling appointment. He then got to complain about the therapist. and how he didn't need fixing. Because? He is good. I am the problem. Except that wasn't what the counselors said. Not that they said that I was perfect. But they agreed that my concerns were warranted. Shocking, eh?
No, I wasn't either. In the meantime, PK has been an earthly delight. Hell! He even posted on our mutual website, which he hasn't done almost EVER, but bitches about almost constantly. He has been kind, considerate, sweet. Just to be ready for this appointment.
Naturally, we are heading to hell financially. All the money from the sale of the company is gone. Put into the house, which is still underwater and the rest frittered away by him on his need to live large. blech.
In the meantime, I guess I should be ready this appointment. Naturally, this time, I will be told how un-spouse-like I am. How I should be more supportive. and stop blogging. because relieving my stress by expressing it won't help anyone.
Really not looking forward to this.....
And if it goes the way that the other appointments have? Then PK will attend 1 or 2 before he becomes too busy, doesn't need improving, or is fine just the way his is.. and pull your ass together bitch!
In the meantime. I am afraid. and tired to being alone. and sad that I am going to have to ride this out for 6-10 more years. What if I don't have more time than that left.
Monday, October 06, 2008
Could this be true?
Is it true that the wildest thing that you do for a man sexually is the thing that he expects from every woman for ever and ever?
And if so? What was that thing that you MUST have?
(you may list whether I met your needs at will..)
And if so? What was that thing that you MUST have?
(you may list whether I met your needs at will..)
Thursday, October 02, 2008
HNT-107
I am participating in Boobie-thon again this year.
Why? Well, breast cancer affects everyone with breasts. So, let's take a look at my family.... I have boobs. My daughters have boobs, albeit small ones... Hell, my husband
Anywho!
So I am giving you a sneak preview of what I am offering over there... and I have noticed a bunch of HNTers over at the site!
Come by and make a donation and take a look at the goodies on display!
Saturday, September 27, 2008
The blind leading the blind
The Porn King has only two close friends. One is his best friend from high school who is also coincidently Asha's godfather. The other is his best friend from college.
Now, BFFC was married almost two years ago. He married a single, never married mom who at one time was a close friend of mine. Hence the reason that I introduced them. Well, I guess that wasn't the only reason.... Once BFFC kissed me too.. but that is a story for another day. Shortly after the love connection was made, the new girlfriend turned on me and went fucking whacko. I immediately realized the enormity of my mistake. Unfortunately BFFC did not and went on to marry the turd.
That however is water under the bridge.
Except for now BFFC is experiencing marital discord. shocking! Oh and did I mention that the new wife brings a very highly strung and overly intelligent/sensitive teenage daughter? I guess I just alluded to it... Just for extra fun.
So now BFFC is in town tonight seeking marital advice from the Porn King.
No, really. That wasn't a joke.
Yes, I see the irony in this too.
Now, BFFC was married almost two years ago. He married a single, never married mom who at one time was a close friend of mine. Hence the reason that I introduced them. Well, I guess that wasn't the only reason.... Once BFFC kissed me too.. but that is a story for another day. Shortly after the love connection was made, the new girlfriend turned on me and went fucking whacko. I immediately realized the enormity of my mistake. Unfortunately BFFC did not and went on to marry the turd.
That however is water under the bridge.
Except for now BFFC is experiencing marital discord. shocking! Oh and did I mention that the new wife brings a very highly strung and overly intelligent/sensitive teenage daughter? I guess I just alluded to it... Just for extra fun.
So now BFFC is in town tonight seeking marital advice from the Porn King.
No, really. That wasn't a joke.
Yes, I see the irony in this too.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
HNT-106
I kind of like this... I think it says...Snuggle up behind me and kiss my shoulder...
When I feel you there I relax back against you.. rubbing my derriere against your body...
Do you want me? I can hear the catch in your breath and the spring in your jeans... I guess so..
Sigh. I wish you were here.
Blatant disregard
It is a familiar refrain about my house,
"Daddy come here!"
Inevitably it involves one of my daughters calling her father to a distant part of the house. One where I can't hear the conversation. Five minutes later a girl flounces out of the house with a smirk to me, her purse and no doubt a fresh crisp $20 in her wallet.
Does it matter that I asked her to do a chore that she didn't do?
Heavens no. Daddy said it was ok.
Well, fuck him.
"Daddy come here!"
Inevitably it involves one of my daughters calling her father to a distant part of the house. One where I can't hear the conversation. Five minutes later a girl flounces out of the house with a smirk to me, her purse and no doubt a fresh crisp $20 in her wallet.
Does it matter that I asked her to do a chore that she didn't do?
Heavens no. Daddy said it was ok.
Well, fuck him.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I don't mean to be bad about posting..
but I tend not want to write when things are depressing... It has been 6 weeks since I was called a whore and knocked down.. and I was promised that he would contact a marriage counselor...
I am thinking that it this point that he has no intention of following through.
And the stupid part is that I knew he would never do it... but ironically when he got ticked at me I questioned him about it over a week ago. In a "How dare you!" kind of way. Like being semi-nice to me for a couple of weeks makes up the years of problems that he won't address. sigh.
Well, I suppose he will have no excuse when I eventually do what I must.
In the meantime, I am trying to find some happiness for myself. Wish me luck.
I am thinking that it this point that he has no intention of following through.
And the stupid part is that I knew he would never do it... but ironically when he got ticked at me I questioned him about it over a week ago. In a "How dare you!" kind of way. Like being semi-nice to me for a couple of weeks makes up the years of problems that he won't address. sigh.
Well, I suppose he will have no excuse when I eventually do what I must.
In the meantime, I am trying to find some happiness for myself. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
HNT-104
god help us all!
I have spent the week watching the conventions and my head is ready to explode!
This is my view of the convention tonight.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
HNT-103
Well, it has been a week of pretending to be Ernest Borgnine, getting ready for girls to go back to school and neighbor crap but I have managed to take some time for me. And by that, I mean, I have come to realize that while I must exercise, I loathe virtually anything that grownups do.. I don't like to run, or do aerobics or taking spinning classes. But I DO like to swim.
Surprisingly enough I swim a good distance. Over the summer, when I was out east, I was swimming a mile or so a day. No, I am not making that up. I really can. And today... after the girls left for school, I left for the pool at the YMCA. As I swam my laps, I kept smiling. even giggling.. I felt free.
And to fit my new discipline, I got a swimmer's suit... I haven't worn a Speed since I was in highschool... but I like the way the racing stripes look on me.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
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