You Must Be Joking

I have been working hard on trying to let go of anger when dealing with PK.

Marriage counseling is helping... After initially being irritated that the therapist seemed to take everything PK said at face value, I have since noted that she is essentially directing him to behave better... which so far he does. Will I be able to let go all my anger? Who knows. But not being at each other's throats makes life more pleasant around here.

On the other hand he shouldn't be so stupid as to suggest I talk dirty to him while we are playing around... When I express that part of me, he uses it against me. and frankly, I can't figure out the lines between good naughty wife and bad naughty wife and you whore.

So don't even go there, asshat.

Clearly, I have more work to do...

Kali Strikes Again

The irony of being accused of cheating on my husband by my 14 year old is not lost on me.

She has called me a whore for the last two years...

Now I am disloyal.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

This man allows anyone to speak ill of me to my own face without a word to them about it...

And I am disloyal.

I feel like I am imploding.

My Bad

When I started this blog, it was my intention to explore my inner goddess...

I was thinking the goddess would be Aphrodite.

It turns out it my inner goddess is more like Kali.

Everything I touch is destroyed.


More and more I think that she should be bricked into some cave... so she causes no more trouble.

Screwed Over Again

Today was supposed to be my day to myself.

I wouldn't be able to go anywhere because they were taking the car... but I could have a quiet day, to putter... find some release from the tensions of my life... I am being literal there.. I am too stressed for metaphor.

But then. The Teen wouldn't go.

She didn't feel good.

She never feels good. She is always starving herself so she doesn't have to be fat like me. I pointed out that she would not be allowed to pester me, ask to go places, beg about her newly broken phone or otherwise for money. Also, she would not be able to use my or PKs computers because where she types? Viruses and trojan horses follow.

So what did I get?

She stayed home.

She begged for money to buy things.
She whined about her newly broken phone.
She bitched about not being able to use her father's computer.
She interrupted as I tried to write spec pieces for my new "car

Losing it

My FIL is here for the holidays. And it is stressful.. In fact extra stressful. Since PK is out of work and we are near a breaking point.

Having someone who insists that his schedule is the only one that counts is irritating.

He puts the news paper on the floor in front of the garbage can because that is what he does at home. It doesn't matter that I have a recycling bin.

He talks about the quantity and quality of the food that I make. He doesn't eat these things.

He wants the fruit out on the counter... I am tired of watching it go bad.

He brought his laptop that he can't manage to use and complains that nothing works the way it does at home.

He double checks every single thing that I do. If I tell him how to sort dry beans.... he has to look it up to verify it. VERIFY IT! or he is trying to assure me that I am correct. either way it isn't good.

It is driving me crazy.

I feel bad because he is a widower, but this crap has been going on for 20 years... so my patience is running thin.

Oh, and I haven't had sex with an actual person in about three months. sigh. and have no prospect. sigh again.

At least I get the day almost alone tomorrow. If you count the always irritated teenager who will bitch because she has broken yet another phone.... Another day of silent masturbation for me. Yeah. meh.

An Update

I know that I haven't been posting. I am trying to decide what I am going to do with my life.... but in the meantime, I have going to marriage counseling, trying not to panic about the PK being out of work and having intense and strange dreams.

Today after the same themes emerged three days in a row in my dreams I thought I would double check their meanings:

Being Chased: An indication of overall anxiety

Riding a Horse: Horse itself represents strength, power, virility and sexual prowess. Riding it indicates a position of power.

Being betrayed by a lover: Suspicion about a relationship or just plain feeling sorry for myself

Seeing the Dead Horse: Something that offered me strength is gone.

Being attacked: Feeling vulnerable.

Being injured by swords or knives: Being the victim of masculine control

Having sex: (A long lost dream?) Repressed sexuality...

So basically, things are still crazy here...

But I hope you have a Merry Christmas.

Out of Sorts

A friend has pointed out that I have been lax posting here.

And in fact, to a certain extent I have been. The other part of me has been incredibly restrained.

I am restraining myself because I am sad. I am working hard to do the right thing... and I have no satisfaction from it.

I miss feeling loved. I know that there are different kinds of love.

Some of them I know.. some.. I have experienced.. some I am just missing

Philia: a dispassionate virtuous love, was a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality, and familiarity. Philia is motivated by practical reasons; one or both of the parties benefit from the relationship. It can also mean "love of the mind." I have that with friends.. some family... Hell... With PK.

Storge: is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring. I feel that for my girls. Sometimes, I think that my parents feel it for me. When they are not trying to show me how much more they are then me.

Xenia (ξενία xenía), hospitality, was an extremely important practice in Ancient Greece. It was an almost ritualized friendship formed between a host and his guest, who could previously have been strangers. The host fed and provided quarters for the guest, who was expected to repay only with gratitude. The importance of this can be seen throughout Greek mythology—in particular, Homer's Iliad and Odyssey. I am supremely familiar with this...something about reading the Odyssey.

Of the ancient forms of love, what I am missing is Agape and Eros. Agape is the platonic love of others... and important to any relationships. Eros? Passionate love with sensual love and longing...

Oh how I miss that... the feeling of arms wrapped around me. Support. desire. Love... Actually while I have always wished that support accompanied love, I have found myself unsure. I have no experience with it.

Desire. Oh god. How I miss it.

Looking in my eyes... holding my hands... Being with me.. Part of me....

Oh god... how I miss it.

No matter the noise around me? I am lonely. I miss you.